What Is a No-Contact Rule Breakup? I Asked a Therapist to Explain

It was a rainy Sunday afternoon—because of course, it was—when my friend Lily decided to unfollow Kevin on Instagram. It’d been two months since their breakup, which was muddled by the fact that they were still in constant contact. Their conversations were a strange mix of small talk, nostalgia and the obligatory “I miss you” drunken text. Meanwhile, half of our friend group had spotted Kevin on Hinge, leading to a collective wince when Lily would mention his name. She was in full-blown denial: “He’s allowed to be on Hinge, we’re not together,” she’d protest, as if that justified him sleeping over the night before. It put us in the precarious position of having to pretend like she was rooted in reality.

But then, on this particularly gloomy Sunday, reality came indeed. Lily stormed into brunch and declared she was done with Kevin for good (cue the Bloody Marys). The tipping point? He had deleted all their photos from a trip to Greece, where they’d once discussed kids and marriage and a vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard. Strangely, it took a declaration of Instagram for it to hit home—he was really moving on. So, with three cocktails in her system and one last look at his profile, she hit “unfollow.” You could hear our table exhale in a collective sigh of relief.

What was interesting, however, is how videos of the “no contact” rule started to inundate my feed. As it turns out, Lily wasn’t the only one struggling to cut ties with her ex—the term "no contact rule" had garnered millions of posts on TikTok alone. Yet, with so many people turning to the app for advice, I wanted to understand why no contact works (and how to make it stick). That’s why I reached out to Dr. Dené Logan, a therapist who could tell me why no contact is effective from a psychological standpoint. 

Below, find everything you need to know about going “no contact” with ex, including how long you should stick to it and whether it’s possible to be friends with an ex after the dust has settled.

Meet The Expert

Dené Logan, LMFT, is a therapist at Flowerhouse Therapy in Santa Monica, CA. She holds a Master's degree in Counseling Psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute and was a mentee to acclaimed couples therapist, Esther Perel. As a Marriage and Family Therapist with an orientation in Depth Psychology, Logan specializes in Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), and Brainspotting (BSP). Her new book, Sovereign Love, explores how to heal from the unspoken war of the sexes in relationships, including creating healthy polarity and moving away from codependency.

Breaking up is a lot like quitting a bad habit—your brain literally goes through withdrawal. According to Dr. Logan, “Because our brain is suddenly producing less of the dopamine and serotonin that it does when we feel a connection to another person, a breakup causes us to experience withdrawal symptoms (similar to someone who struggles with substance abuse).” In other words, that gnawing feeling in your gut, plus sleepless nights and the constant urge to text are all symptoms of your brain adjusting to life without your ex. 

The beauty of going no contact, however, is that it forces you to ride out waves of withdrawal without the quick fix of communication (or checking their Instagram). “We don’t give ourselves the opportunity to feel that when we anesthetize the tension through the temporary relief of reaching out to our ex,” says the doc. By sticking to no contact, you’re allowing your nervous system to experience those waves of panic and, crucially, to learn that they eventually subside. 

Ever notice how everything looks clearer after a good night’s sleep? The same principle applies to relationships after a breakup. Per Logan, “Relationship dynamics can be extremely difficult to see clearly without some distance.” When you’re in the thick of a relationship, you form attachments that can cloud your judgment, making it hard to see whether the relationship was the right fit (or simply something you got used to). Yet, going no contact gives you a chance to step back and assess the dynamic from a new perspective. Logan points out that this space allows you “to differentiate between a bond that you’ve established over time.” In other words, distance helps you figure out if you were genuinely happy or stagnatly comfortable (a crucial insight if you want to avoid falling into the same patterns in the future).

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, going no contact isn’t just about your healing—it’s about giving your ex the same opportunity. “If your ex is someone you still care about, it can be helpful to consider how mixed messages of your own confusion are impacting them. You’re also prohibiting them from initiating their healing process,” Logan explains. By holding on, even just a little, you’re keeping both yourself and your ex stuck on the “relationship roller coaster of uncertainty.” In short, cutting communication isn’t just a gift to yourself—it’s also creating a clean break for both of you. As Logan tells me, “You can take ownership of doing the kind thing by creating some clarity.” 

Naturally, social media is a minefield when you’re trying to go no contact. That’s why the doc recommends you “Block and bless. Or at least mute and bless.” It’s tough to move forward if you’re still seeing your ex’s every move in your feed, and it’s nearly impossible to “create pattern interruption between you and your ex while you are still deeply engulfed in their day-to-day life.” Hence why, if blocking your ex feels too drastic or final, muting them can be a great middle ground. It gives you “some energetic distance” without the drama of a full-on digital breakup. And by taking a break from their posts and stories, you’re giving yourself the gift of peace—out of sight, out of mind and definitely out of temptation.

Friends can be your greatest allies—or accidental saboteurs—when it comes to sticking with no contact. “With the best intentions, our friends constantly telling us how much better off we are without them can be a less supportive strategy than it seems at face value,” Logan explains. Hence why she suggests enlisting their support in a way that’s actually helpful: “Ask your them to hold space for this complexity… keeping your friendships in a safe place is less likely to make you feel like your ex is the only person who truly understands you.” Specifically, she says it’s best to avoid constantly rehashing the breakup or bashing your ex—focus more on processing your feelings honestly and without judgment. Your emotions are bound to be all over the place, and having friends who can listen without pushing you one way or another can make your friendships a safe haven, reducing the urge to turn to your ex for comfort.

When your mind starts playing tricks on you and romanticizing the past, it’s time to pull up the cold, hard facts. In fact, Logan advises making a list of the challenging aspects of the relationship: “It can be really easy to convince ourselves that it wasn’t that bad, and while that may be true, there’s no reason to think that your breakup would feel any less frustrating by reaching out to your ex.” In turn, keeping a list of reasons why you broke up can be a powerful reality check when nostalgia comes knocking. It’s a way to remind yourself that while the good times were good, they weren’t the whole story—and whatever led to the breakup is likely to feel just as thwarting if you reach out.

When you’re deep in heartbreak, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s where the doc’s final tip comes in: “Write a letter to you, from your future self and get creative about what you want to explore for yourself.” This exercise lets you imagine a time when you’ve healed and moved on, offering yourself a glimpse into lessons you’ll eventually learn from this experience. It’s like sending yourself a pep talk from a wiser, more sensible version of yourself—someone who knows that doing the hard work now will lead to bigger and better things later.

To be fair, this is a question that’s lingered since When Harry Met Sally: Can men and women be friends (especially post-breakup)? The short answer is maybe. Per Logan, “I hold the unconventional opinion that it’s possible to be friends with an ex after a no-contact period,” But, and this is a big but, you need to be honest with yourself about your motives and emotions. “If you can spend time with an ex and their new love interest (or even hear about the new person they’re seeing) and feel genuinely happy for them, you’re ready.” Essentially, if you can withstand seeing your ex with someone else—and you genuinely feel joy for their happiness (instead of spiraling into a pit of despair)—you might be ready to enter friendship territory. 

At the same time, however, it’s fine to ask yourself whether you even want to be friends with your ex. Dr. Logan stresses that “you get to decide what’s right for you.” If staying friends feels like it would add to your life, and you’re truly at peace with the idea of your ex moving on, then great! Go for it. But if the thought of seeing them with someone else still stings, it’s perfectly fine to leave them in the past. It’s also worth mentioning that some situations could benefit from friendlier terms, In cases where you share a work environment or need to co-parent, finding a way to at least be cordial is vital. In these situations, maintaining an amicable dynamic can make life easier for everyone involved. But at the end of the day, you want your closest friends to be those who support your mental and emotional well-being—ex-beau or not.