I'm Pregnant & My Best Friend Is Struggling with Infertility. Here's the One Thing I Wish I'd Done Differently

I’m at that stage in life where boozy weekend brunches have been replaced by 7 a.m. yoga classes, and the group chat reads more like a parenting confessional than a NSFW Reddit thread. If you haven’t guessed, I’m in my 30s, and while many of my friends are enjoying a child-free (by choice) life, a handful of us now fall into one of three categories: new moms, moms-to-be or on the path of trying to conceive.

As I write this, I’m eight months pregnant (and feeling it). Like any new experience, pregnancy comes with a lot of firsts—some you can prep for, many you cannot. When I first found out I was expecting, I went into full-on research mode. I read the books, downloaded the apps and listened to the podcasts, but the biggest hurdle I ended up facing was one I never saw coming: While I was happily pregnant, my best friend was struggling with infertility. And it put a strain on our 20+ year friendship.

Fertility on its own is a sensitive topic. Throw in societal norms, social stressors and a few raging hormones and you’ve got a ticking time bomb of super-charged emotions. As lifelong friends, I knew we’d be able to work through this challenging time (and I’m happy to say, we have). But as I reflect on how I handled the situation over the past few months, there was one major misstep I wish I could take back. Early on in my pregnancy and in the thick of her fertility treatments, I assumed she wanted space. I assumed she didn’t want to be around me.

My plan was to eliminate the pregnant elephant in the room entirely, but by doing so, I also put distance between us—an inadvertent fallout at a time when we both really needed each other.

Now, don’t get me wrong—I’m sure I wasn’t high on her list of people to grab coffee with. But rather than communicating where my head was at and letting her make the final call, I presumptuously made it for her. I went quiet, made myself scarce, cut back on checking in and was overly conscious about how much I shared on social media for fear that it would hurt her feelings or ruin her day. When we did see each other, especially in group settings, I even went as far as downplaying my own happiness, hoping the false neutrality would somehow make her struggle easier (hint: it didn’t). I suppose my plan was to eliminate the pregnant elephant in the room entirely, but by doing so, I also put distance between us—an inadvertent fallout at a time when we both really needed each other.

In my experience, open communication was key to overcoming this friendship challenge—and parenting expert Jennifer Walker, RN, BSN agrees. “What’s crucial to remember is that the best way to move forward [in this situation] is to always keep the lines of communication open so you don’t assume that you know how [the other person] is feeling on any given day,” the pediatric nurse, mom of three, podcast host and co-founder of Moms on Call tells me. “It’s OK for her to be sad and it’s OK for you to be happy. Friendships are about understanding and connection, and giving each other permission to feel very normal emotions about things is incredibly freeing.” So, what can you do if you're in a similar situation? Ask her how she’s feeling and if there’s anything you can do to help. She may want to talk about what she’s going through, or she may say that she needs some space right now—either response is OK.

Ayla Barmmer MS, RD, LDN and founder of FullWell Fertility shares similar advice: “Forgive your friend in advance for not being able to share in your excitement right away, but don’t stop inviting them to things or reaching out. For those struggling with infertility, it can sometimes feel like they’re being abandoned or left behind when others are getting pregnant around them. While you may be feeling awkward and unclear about how to navigate the situation, avoiding your friend isn’t the answer either.” 

True, lasting friendships are designed to evolve, and giving yourself (and your bestie) grace to make mistakes, course correct and try again is all we can ask of ourselves.

Yes, certain interactions may be uncomfortable (like when you first share your pregnancy news or when baby talk inevitably comes up in group settings), and sure, you might not be each other’s first call right now. But true, lasting friendships are designed to evolve, and giving yourself (and your bestie) grace to make mistakes, course correct and try again is all we can ask of ourselves.

In my case, tip-toeing around the fertility topic only made things worse since, over time, it left us both in the dark. A one-on-one dinner—plus some honest conversation—was all we needed to break the ice. From there, the floodgates were open, and I was able to directly ask how I could best support her (which ultimately helped me better understand how I fit into her life right now).

“Understand that this situation requires digging deep for empathy and patience,” Barmmer explains. “[If you’re pregnant,] express your excitement and joy—don’t downplay it! But give [your friend] permission to feel her feelings. Infertility is complicated and a rollercoaster of emotions. While she may genuinely be happy for you, it’s also fair that she feels pain and frustration about how hard her situation is. Giving her permission not to be excited for you at this moment is a gift that will serve your friendship well over the long term.”

The bottom line? You might not always know what the right thing to say or do is—and that is more than OK. “Feel good about what you can bring to the table at this time,” Walker says, “and recognize that we’re only human and there is no perfect way to [handle this situation]. It’ll actually be a lot like parenting. So much of it is not about perfection—it’s about perspective.”