What to Text a Toxic Friend, Whether You Need to End Things or Just Have an Honest Convo

Friendship is hard—not to mention making friends in the first place. Sure, we all hope to cultivate our TikTok-approved seven friends, but more likely we’re settling for text friends instead. And as no life (and no friendship) is perfect, inevitably, we may end up with a toxic friendship at some point or another. You may not be ready to call it quits, but you’ll definitely need to set some boundaries. Below, I spoke with NYC-based psychologist Dr. Alexandra Stratyner about how to determine if you’re in a toxic friendship, and list 13 examples of what to text a toxic friend, ranging from a simple “I” message to the breakup text.

Alexandra Stratyner, Ph.D., is a New York City-based licensed psychologist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy and mindfulness skills training. Dr. Stratyner serves on the voluntary faculty of the Mount Sinai Health System and is an adjunct faculty member at New York University. She holds a BA in psychology from Bryn Mawr College. Dr. Stratyner obtained her masters and doctorate from Seton Hall University.

Sometimes, the signs are there—and other times, they’re so subtle, you wonder if you’re making things up. But, as Dr. Stratyner tells me, if you find that a friend has draining behavioral patterns that are beginning to affect your well-being, that’s a sign that something’s up. This can manifest as manipulation, constant criticism or general negativity. Think about a person who’s constantly trying to finagle a situation in their favor, guilt-tripping people so they get what they want and never taking responsibility. She also adds: “Toxic friends might regularly put you down and exhibit one-sidedness. These friends often want to rely on you for emotional support, but might rarely (or never) return the favor.” Other things to watch out for include sustained drama and conflict.

“Each of these signs can majorly impact your mental and emotional health,” Dr. Stratyner says. “If the friendship doesn’t feel good most of the time, and your boundaries or sense of peace are often disrespected, it’s probably time to step back.”

The cardinal rule when communicating with a toxic person is to use “I” statements, Dr. Stratyner says. “Clearly describe the behaviors you are reacting to and how they make you feel. Stay calm and empathetic, and acknowledge that [the toxic friend is] likely to become surprised or defensive.” If you are truly interested in bettering the friendship, it’s also important to make that goal clear and that you just aren’t “attacking” them for kicks. “Prepare for any reaction, including them needing to take this information away and think about it for a while. Clarity and compassion together can lead to more productive conversations.”

One hallmark trait of a toxic person? They’re often domineering, which can lead to behaviors like bullying and intimidation—physical and verbal. That being said, text can be a great inroad to a conversation with someone who is known for blowing their top. The key is to ready yourself mentally.

“If you know someone is prone to being defensive or manipulative, prepare yourself emotionally and be ready to deal with it,” Dr. Stratyner advises. “Identify any strong feelings you might have and think through the points you want to make, so that you can stick to them, no matter the response.”

Maybe your friend is a blamer instead of a yeller—use the “I” statement to tell them how it makes you feel. Remember that you’re probably not going to get the response you’re hoping for (not their problem, surprise!), but, as Dr. Stratyner suggests above, write out what you want to say, and stick to it—even if your friend gets shifty. And, she adds, “Set some ground rules for yourself in advance—what you won’t tolerate from them, such as attempts to guilt-trip you.”

The heat of a moment is the perfect time to say something you’ll regret. Use this text to allow both of you to step back and take a deep breath. “Calm and neutral responses will keep the conversation from spiraling out of control,” Dr. Stratyner says. To prepare yourself to step back into the convo, she also advises anticipating some of your friends potential responses, so that you’re prepared for any manipulation.

“If they attempt to evade the topic or twist what you’ve said, calmly bring the conversation back to the heart of the matter without getting emotionally hooked into the defensive response they might offer.”

You’re never obligated to say yes—especially if you think something fishy is going on. Feeling manipulated? Use this text message to tell your toxic friend you need time to think, while also providing a concrete time frame in which they can expect to hear back from you, without promising anything.

As much as a text message provides a safety barrier (sometimes literally) from direct confrontation, sometimes, you need to duke it out in person. This text communicates that you want to end the text conversation, and that your goal is to meet face-to-face, no questions asked. By offering a concrete time and place, you are inviting your friend to take action, rather than allow your text to wallow on “read” (though they might do that, anyways).

I actually use some form of this sentence when I sense an unproductive conversation or argument swelling up with friends and family members. (Sometimes it’s, “I don’t think we’re having the same conversation anymore, so let’s stop talking about it.”) This is a great move for conflicts that don’t necessarily warrant a friendship break, but that need a breather before someone says something they regret.

Toxic people often foist blame on other people for myriad reasons. If you want to take a communication break, this text message allows you to express what you want and how you feel, while also letting your friend know that you’re not trying to hurt them or blaming them. You also put up the possibility of discussion, so they understand that after the given period of time, you’re wanting a resolution.

Friendship breaks don’t necessarily signal the end. If, Dr. Stratyner says, you can communicate the following, it can be a productive time. After sending this text, firmly and gently lay out your reasons for taking the break. Maybe the last three hangouts have had you feeling manipulated or blamed and you’re tired of it. Then, explain the goal. Perhaps you want to reflect on if the friendship is working. Or, you want to discuss the conflict and how to handle similar occurrences going forward. Lastly, lay out how you’re communicating—or if you want to cut contact until the defined time period has elapsed.

“When you regroup, sit down together and hear one another out. It will help you figure out what has changed and how you can cultivate a relationship from there, whether it is redefined or renewed – a healthier one for both of you,” she says. “When you take a break from a friend, your friendship can often be resumed in a healthier way.”

“‘Friendship breaks’ can act as useful forms of processing an opportunity to put space between the two of you when a relationship feels too difficult,” Dr. Stratyner explains. “They can give you both time to think about how you feel and what you want to do next.” When proposing the break, keep things clear and short. Define the amount of time you need, and don’t give room for argument. Yes, the toxic friend will probably try to push back, but don’t invite them to. Say, “I’ll text you in two weeks” instead of “How about reconnecting in two weeks?”. That way, you’ve clearly explained your boundary, whatever argument the other person tries to cook up.

If you’re feeling brave enough to start a more open-ended conversation, you can try texting this. That allows your friend to know where you stand—you think you’re drifting apart—and for them to respond. However, don’t go into the conversation blind. Know what you want to get out of it—even if it’s just a gauge of if they’re on the same page—and use their response to decide how you want to proceed. Maybe you’ll end up sending messages 12 and 13. Think something’s worth salvaging? Text them message 10.

Be firm but kind—Dr. Stratyner emphasized the importance of remembering the good times, and not just washing it all away with the bad. You can express how recent interactions have made you feel (remember: use the “I” statements), but keep it to the point. Remember that this will probably provide a visceral response, so know your agenda and how you want to end the conversation—and relationship. Don’t be afraid to steer the conversation back on track. And if anything, follow up with number 13.

You’ve reached a point where you can no longer tolerate any communication, full stop. Blocking, however, feels extreme. In some instances, Dr. Stratyner says this isn’t a bad idea—especially if your mental health is at stake.

“If someone is being abusive, manipulative or violating your boundaries, blocking them can be a necessary way of setting boundaries and making space,” she adds. “It can be a good thing to do in toxic relationships when the communication is no longer healthy, and you’re attempting to pull yourself out of a negative environment. If having space and quiet, and restoring your sense of peace, is what will get your life back on track at this point, then blocking that person is a legitimate and justified move.”