10 Things You Definitely Shouldn’t Say to a Toxic Person, According to a High-Conflict Mediator

Life’s good and la-di-da, until you meet a dreaded entity: The toxic person. They’re manipulative, insincere, domineering and dramatic—among other things. (And in a wild plot twist, maybe it’s you!) How do you manage to have a productive conversation with someone who’s determined to let everything fly off the rails as soon as you approach them? It’ll take some finessing (and guts), so that’s why I tapped conflict mediator Mason Farmani to ask him about the ten things you should never say to a toxic person. Below, here’s what to avoid, what you can say instead and how to fortify yourself so that you can get what you need—and then get out ASAP.

Mason Farmani is a Los Angeles-based personal and corporate coach with over 30 years of experience as the founder and leader of several companies. Throughout his corporate tenure and current role as a fractional CEO, Farmani has honed his skill in navigating high-stakes relationships and conflicts, coaching organizations on cultivating better teamwork, culture, communication and emotional intelligence. Farmani holds a degree in industrial psychology from the University of California Los Angeles and has extensive training in neuroscience, trauma healing and leadership from Landmark Worldwide. 

The best thing you can do before sending the “can we talk?” text is determine your own intentions. Are you trying to set boundaries? Share how a recent interaction made you feel? Figure out your goals and then, Farmani advises, “Set realistic expectations. It’s all about self-control—don’t be overly stressed or react too harshly. Keep an eye on your body language and don’t reflect their negativity.” You’ll also want an exit plan in the highly likely event that the conversation becomes heated. Farmani recommends stating that you request both of you come back to the conversation after regrouping. “If you enter the dialogue with explicit objectives and boundaries, you’ll stay in control of the conversation and won’t be stuck in the toxic cycle.”

Remember the “I” message they taught you in kindergarten? That’ll come in handy here. In fact, Farmani recommends using them to avoid sounding accusatory, which will trigger the toxic person’s defensiveness. 

Going into the conversation, set the boundaries you thought about in your prep time and lay down the rules. That might mean explaining, “If you start shouting, I can’t continue this interaction” or “I’m here to speak with you calmly.”

Establish boundaries by expressing out-of-line behaviors and using "I" phrases, such as “I get angry when...”, which will help keep your defenses low. If possible, avoid arguing about hot button topics when feelings are running high. Be prepared to redirect the conversation. “Stay calm and collected with a neutral voice,” Farmani says. The best way to protect your peace is to not give into the negativity, stay firm and know that you may need to leave the room for a moment. 

To ensure that everyone stays on track, he suggests: “Be specific and let everyone know where the conversation is going, then keep them apprised of the subject matter. While they are talking, use active listening for their arguments without sucking them into emotional arguments. Even when the person gets distracted or has something unrelated to complain about, reframe the argument and say, ‘I know you are angry, but let’s get back to what matters.’”

Should it snowball into something unmanageable, it’s OK to retreat. “Discreetly suggest a break and go back to the problem later,” Farmani says.

Yes, it’s true, the person is overreacting, but don’t tell them. This phrase risks invalidating the person’s feelings, making them feel like you’re brushing them off. Don’t be surprised if they spin it right back to you as a gaslighting tactic. “A person’s emotional response to a people, place or things is theirs alone, and arguably a sacred aspect of each and everyone’s humanity. The feelings can’t and shouldn’t be belittled,” writes PureWow Senior Editor Dana Dickey.

• What you can say: “I understand this is upsetting, but I’d like to discuss this calmly. Would it help if we took a five minute break?” 

“[Saying this] can make them feel dismissed, pushing them to exaggerate the issue further,” Farmani explains. Honestly, even if you’re not dealing with a toxic person, this can be hurtful. Imagine if this was someone’s response when you brought up an issue that was bothering you. It makes you feel like they couldn’t care less. 

• What you can say: “This sounds like it’s really bothering you. I’m happy to talk about it, but please understand that if you start shouting, I will end the conversation.” 

As Dr. Sanam Hafeez previously told me, toxic people hate taking responsibility and will throw the blame at all costs.  Telling them it’s their fault is going to trigger a visceral response because, as Dickey reports, toxic people usually see themselves as the victim. Life’s just happening to them and they don’t control it—so why would it be their fault? 

• What you can say: “I know you’re mad at me because we got to the party late, but we were late because you waited until ten minutes before we had to leave to get ready. How about we both set an alarm next time?” 

Only say this if you want to poke the bear. If you ask why they can’t let it go, the toxic person will only hold on even more tightly. Farmani tells me it’s a tactic they can use—bringing up old grievances to maintain control over others.

• What you can say: Sounds like this has been bothering you for a while. Why don’t we discuss? I’d like to hear your side of the story, but please no tangents.” 

According to Farmani, “Using absolutes gives them an opening to pick apart your words rather than addressing the real problem.” Avoid generalities, too, and consider using the “I” message here to focus more on how their behavior is affecting you, rather than
“attacking” them for something. 

• What you can say: “I feel stressed when I’m always expected to do the planning, and hurt when every single thing that goes wrong is my fault.”

Save yourself from stating the obvious. Of course a toxic person is selfish. They can’t take responsibility; they always need to be in control; they don’t care about other people’s feelings. Telling them the truth is only going to guarantee a counterattack, Farmani says. Instead, here’s another chance to use the “I” message and remember: Be specific. 

• What you can say: “I’m feeling frustrated because my requests for help with the housework have been ignored for the last three weeks.
  

You mean it in the moment (and maybe it’s a perpetual state of being)—I don’t blame you. However, when dealing with a toxic person, this is a heavy threat because you are putting their perceived control of the situation (and of yourself) on the line. “Threatening often provokes extreme reactions, especially since toxic individuals fear losing control or might escalate manipulative tactics to pull you back in,” Farmani says. 

• What you can say: “I need a break from this conversation. Please don’t contact me for the next couple days. I promise I’ll text when I’m ready to revisit the issue, and you’ll hear from me before Friday.” 

A classic case of easier said than done. No matter which way you put it, even kindly, you run the risk of the phrase coming across as dismissive. This, Farmani tells me, will probably only intensify the toxic person’s anger, instead of having the de-escalating effect that you desire. 

• What you can say: “This discussion is getting heated. How about we break for two minutes, take some deep breaths and come back to it? I’ll see you in the living room after I get a glass of water.” 

“Pointing this out can cause [a toxic person] to dig in deeper, further entrenching them in their viewpoint,” Farmani says. Rather than choose this blanket statement, employ the “I” message and try to be as precise as possible on what about their unreasonable behavior is bothering you, and offer compromises if available. 

• What you can say: “It’s not possible for me to supply 100 cupcakes by tomorrow if you’re asking me today. We can do that, but we’d need to reschedule the party to next week. Are you OK with that?” 

Indifference is your best weapon…if you’re planning to sever ties completely. But if you think the relationship might be worth salvaging, don’t tell them you don’t care. “It might provoke them to stir more drama, as toxic people thrive on emotional reactions and often use manipulation to keep you engaged,” Farmani says. 

• What you can say: “OK, we can do it your way this time. However, the next time we co-host, I’d like us to make a clear plan up front, and then each stick to our assigned responsibilities.” 

Sometimes, you have to admit it’s just not going to work out and it’s time to sever ties. To do so well, Farmani has a few tips. First, choose a safe space. Public may not be a good idea, but if you’re worried, have a friend or family member on hand in the same general vicinity. (I.e. keeping your significant other in the living room while you confront your toxic mother-in-law in the kitchen to intervene if things get out of hand.)

When it comes to the discussion, he advises: “Have a direct conversation with them and use assertive language stating that you can’t stay in the relationship, such as ‘I feel this relationship is not right for me, I need to get out.’” Do your best to stay out of emotional games the toxic person may want to play. And after? Cut communication, block them on social media, go to therapy and process it in whatever way is best for you.