I’m Proof That Women in Their 40’s Need ‘Friendship Snacks’

It happened during a global pandemic—you know, the time when pretty much the entire world experienced a full-circuit cut-off from in-person friendship. My friend Ana and I were reeling from the disconnect; we were also reeling from parenting toddlers and working without any help. In that moment, the “power 5” was born. For us, it became the 2020 equivalent of “u up?” — a text we could send to each other at all hours of the day or night with clear subtext. We’re tired, we’re overwhelmed, but oh dear god, let’s set a timer for five minutes to chat, vent and commiserate.

In other words, we landed on a very nutritious version of what the Wall Street Journal recently dubbed the “friendship snack.”

Pandemic aside, women in their 40s often find maintaining friendship a challenge. Gone are the days of lengthy and spontaneous in-person check-ups (we’re too busy for that!), but phone conversations have also gone by the wayside (texting is more efficient and faster, after all). Instead, we’ve adapted less joyful and more hollow-feeling ways to stay in touch: We’ll pass along a meme, forward a clever article or, my personal fave, send a text full of well-intentioned, but mostly empty promises: “I miss you, we need to hang out! I’ll send you dates!”

The downside? These quickie check-ins are too surface level to really help us bond and connect emotionally. We may be in a time-deprived state, but we need to dig deeper to truly reap the friendship snack benefits.

Per the WSJ, a friendship snack is defined as the quick exchanges we share with our friends in between IRL meet-ups that still add substance to our relationships. For instance, a five-minute phone call can convey the same information as a text, but with way more meaning and connection. (If you don’t have time, send a voice memo.) But memes are my friendship love language, you say. You can still send ‘em! Just choose one you wouldn’t mindlessly share on a group text with 15 people in favor of one that dovetails with a recent IRL convo the two of you had. (For example, I recently spoke at length about playground dynamics with a pal—she later sent me this, which felt funny and relevant.)

“What’s most important is that we have one meaningful social interaction each day,” says Danielle Bayard Jackson, friendship expert and author of the brand-new book Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships. “If that comes in the form of a lengthy hangout, amazing. But if all you’re capable of is a quick check-in, that’s fine, too.”

She’s also quick to add that, with friendship, tiny—yet thoughtful—gestures matter. Far too often, we don’t make the effort because of the time problem, but we shouldn’t forget that different types of interactions satisfy different needs. “Sometimes you want a deep dive with uninterrupted time to connect, but other times a quick laugh or simply letting a person know that, despite not having a ton of time available you’re thinking of them, is enough,” she says. It’s the variance that often makes a friendship thrive.

As for Jackson’s suggestions for more nutritive ‘friendship snacks,’ she’s got loads of ideas to add to the list: Invite a friend to run an errand with you; if you have to fold laundry, FaceTime a pal while you do it.

But sometimes an old-school, abbreviated phone call works, too. Vive le power 5.