The One Toxic Trait That All Firstborns Share (& How to Turn It Into a Positive)

Any younger sibling can recall at least one time when the oldest child took their authority a *little* too far. Bullied you into washing the dishes when it was their turn. Forced you to play Super Smash Bros and not Mario Kart “because I said so.” And the familiar refrain, “Mom’s not here, so I’m in charge.” I’m not ragging on oldest siblings—believe me, I am one. (Also, totally guilty of using one of those lines.) But the fact is,  this lurking toxic trait comes to surface when things don’t go according to our carefully orchestrated plan. It’s then that we become not just bossy but domineering, or inclined to exercise arbitrary and overbearing control over others.

One reason this trait may develop is that first borns are subjected to the expectations of first-time parents, which psychologist Heather Hagen explains is why they crave achievements and therefore control. If firstborns line up all their ducks, it’s A-B-C to success, so everything needs to be *perfect.*

While anti-heroes and antagonists like Tony Soprano and Regina George come to mind, there’s certainly a positive side to this trait. Think about Samantha Jones or Monica Geller. They might also be considered “domineering.” They tend to say and get what they want. What’s so wrong with that?

So, let’s take the pros of this personality trait—leadership, initiative, organization, exacting standards, vision—and fold them into healthier social-emotional dialogues. First things first: Relax. You brought the plan. (That’s why we invited you.) You’ve laid it out. Everyone knows what they’re doing. Second, trust the people you’re with. Chances are they’re not blithering idiots, and just have a slightly different way of doing things. Prioritize the result, not the method. (Unless, of course, the method involves accidentally setting your $17,000 La Canche range on fire during Thanksgiving.) Approach it this way: We need you to guide the overarching vision. You keep everything on track, troubleshoot and have a Plan Z. Now, trust the process. (And try speaking more softly!)

Just because there’s pushback, or people have questions or suggestions doesn’t mean you should rip up the blueprint. We need you, firstborns—there’s so much to love about us. We take initiative, are achievement-oriented and responsible. Natural leaders, if you will. And while that means we’ll get it done, one step off the path and our domineering alter-ego can come out roaring. So just try to remember: Don’t be afraid to be a little bit flexible.