Men Never Approached Me in Bars, Until I Tried This 3-Second Eye Contact Trick

Here’s a scene I know you’ll recognize: You’re at a bar with your friends, three rounds in, catching up on the drama of who’s dating who (more like who just got ghosted). In between sips of a tequila soda, you scan the room. It’s a solid crowd—some guy in a trucker hat and jacket near the jukebox, another with just the right amount of scruff ordering a lager. But, despite your perfectly Dysoned hair and strategic positioning, no one approaches. You all head home that night wondering: So Hinge is the only way to get a date these days? Is this what single life has been reduced to?

For years, my friends and I have complained that meeting someone organically is impossible. Dating apps killed the meet-cute, and to be honest, most of my generation struggles to flirt outside of a well-timed emoji. But then, a few months ago, we said screw it—let's try something new: we started holding eye contact with men for three seconds or more. No coy glances. No frantic "Is he looking back?" Just three seconds of a deliberate, confident, I see you energy in passing. And let me tell you, it’s worked like a charm.

First and foremost, there’s a scientific reason why prolonged eye contact can feel so electric. “When we hold eye contact, it activates the social connection pathways in our brains, including the release of oxytocin (aka the ‘love hormone’),” explains Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, a sexologist and relationship coach. “It fosters a sense of trust and connection, even in brief interactions.” Translation: That intense little gaze turns you from just another face in the crowd to someone worth risking rejection over.

“Maintaining eye contact triggers dopamine, which is associated with pleasure and reward,” adds Dr. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT. “It creates a sense of excitement and safety, which makes it easier for someone to approach you.” Meaning, that one deliberate look flips a switch in their brain, saying, Hey, it’s safe to come over here. In fact, according to social psychologist Dr. Sarah Hensley, “Recent research has shown that prolonged eye contact leads to increased feelings of attraction… Eye contact can spark feelings of curiosity from the person who catches your gaze, and curiosity is a strong precursor for attraction.”

And at this point, it’s worth acknowledging the obvious: Eye contact shouldn’t feel groundbreaking, but for my generation, it is. Per Dr. Gunsaullus, “Studies show that heavy smartphone use reduces confidence in real-world interactions, encouraging avoidance of social risks and dulling awareness of others' nonverbal cues.” Essentially, our phones have removed the need to navigate uncomfortable social moments—particularly when it comes to awkward silences or a vulnerable three seconds of an unmet gaze. Instead, we can pull out our devices, pretend to be busy, or send a text rather than showing up in person. “The less we engage face-to-face, the fewer skills we develop to navigate social situations, including the subtle art of making eye contact,” explains Dr. Hensley. 

“The science confirms that Gen Z has reduced comfort with eye contact, often feeling psychologically uncomfortable maintaining it in social settings,” Dr. Hensley continues. This discomfort stems from our new default mode: texting and scrolling. “Short videos on social media deliver quick dopamine hits, warping the brain’s reward system and making real-life interactions feel less exciting in comparison.” And of course, when coupled with negative social comparison, it’s no wonder why we'd shy away from face-to-face interactions. (We're pre-disposed to think: I'm sure he'll pass me up for someone better.)

At the same time, however, “eye contact can actually reduce anxiety by offering social reassurance and signaling shared interest, which in turn enhances confidence,” says Dr. Berkheimer. “It stimulates the brain's reward system and helps ease the fight-or-flight response tied to social anxiety, promoting a sense of safety for more relaxed interactions.” Think about it—locking eyes with someone is like saying, I see you, and I’m okay with you seeing me too. It’s scary for anyone, but for a generation trained to seek safety behind filters and DMs, I get why it feels like jumping off a cliff.

Which brings me to a question you might be asking yourself: Fine, but how do I do this without looking like a creep? The line between seductive and stalkerish is thinner than the skinny skater boy you went on two dates with last fall. Luckily, the experts have some tips:

1. Start in Low-Stakes Settings: This is how my friends and I got started. Instead of jumping in head-first by locking in with the man of your dreams, try starting small with a barista or a stranger on the subway to build your confidence. The more comfortable you get, the easier it will feel in flirty situations.
2. Relax Your Face and Arms: Dr. Gunsaullus suggests practicing “soft eyes,” which is a relaxed gaze paired with a hint of a smile. Think curious, not are-you-going-to-finish-that-slice intense. You also want to keep your arms at your side. (Because nothing says “don’t approach” more than a pair of tightly crossed arms.)
3. Pair It with a Smile: “Hold eye contact for a few seconds, then offer a warm, genuine smile before looking away,” she says. It’s an approachable move that feels inviting without demanding too much attention. 
4. Practice the Walk-By: Per Dr. Hensley, “If you’re feeling bold, walk past someone you find attractive, lightly touch their arm as you pass, and hold their gaze for a second before smiling.” This adds an element of intrigue, and according to the doc, “many guys report that twirling your hair during eye contact is a definite green-light to start up a conversation.” 
5. Don’t be Afraid to Lock In: Finally, if the person on the receiving end locks in, don’t be afraid to linger longer than you should. This is what gives the trick its magic—you almost want to feel uncomfortable before you look away. A good game of chicken can go a long way when it comes to seduction. 

So, does it work? Well, a few weeks ago, my friend and I were at a bar when she decided to try the trick on a guy standing by the dartboard. Three seconds of eye contact, a quick smile and boom—he walked right over to ask her what she was drinking. They didn’t close down the bar together, but they did swap numbers before last call. It might not be her future husband, but not a bad hit rate.

• Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, intimacy coach, and author of From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women. With over 15 years of private practice, she specializes in mindful intimacy, healthy relationships and effective communication. She’s a TEDx speaker, host of the video podcast In the Den with Dr. Jenn, and co-host of Sex Talk with Clint & the Doc on iHeart Radio. Dr. Gunsaullus also serves as a speaker for the Young President’s Organization (YPO) and is an active philanthropist through organizations, like Women Give San Diego.
• Dr. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, sexologist, and founder of Renew Yourself With Joy LLC. She empowers women to rediscover their inner strength and cultivate meaningful relationships, and as the creator of the Glow Your Goddess®, she blends her expertise in therapy, coaching and intuitive healing to help clients thrive. She’s also a passionate speaker and author of Why Won’t He Call? Where she brings both professional and personal experience to her work.
• Dr. Sarah Hensley, PhD, is a social psychologist with over 15 years of experience studying the science of relationships. An expert in attachment theory and attraction, she has coached thousands of clients on finding and maintaining healthy relationships. Dr. Hensley also specializes in helping individuals understand conflict, improving communication and building deeper connections. Her practice includes group hybrid coaching, one-on-one sessions and executive coaching, offering a comprehensive approach to relationship repair.