What You're Going to Argue Over at Thanksgiving, Based on Your Birth Order

plus how to avoid a family meltdown

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Published Oct 31, 2024

Warner Bros. Pictures

Ah, Thanksgiving. A day meant for stuffing, football…and family rivalry at its finest. No matter how much we evolve—or how much money we spend on therapy—Thanksgiving never fails to revert us to childhood roles we thought we’d outgrown. The controlling eldest who can’t seem to relax. The forgotten middle child who simply wants to be heard. The charming youngest who thinks fairies made the mashed potatoes. And of course, the only child, who’s perfect (until facing the undivided attention of their relatives).

If you’ve ever wondered where these stereotypes come from—and why the same fights seem to break out year after year, it stems from birth order theory (or later, Sibling Rivalry and Differentiation Theory). Developed by psychiatrist Alfred Adler in the early 20th century, the framework says that we naturally develop distinct roles within the family to differentiate ourselves—and nowhere is this more evident than at the Thanksgiving dinner table. The eldest sibling, forever the “third parent,” is said to manage everything (and everyone), feeling the pressure to hold things together. The middle sibling, always trying to carve their own identity, is most likely to stir up controversy to stand out. Then the youngest, ever the charmer, is prone to soaking up attention—and being oblivious to the stress their siblings are shouldering. Not to mention that only children, who are self-appointed perfectionists, are forced to dodge nosy relatives who must know why they’re still single.

In any case, these dynamics make Thanksgiving tough—whether you’re the eldest daughter (like me), frantically trying to recreate the Last Supper, or the youngest who somehow catches the brunt of everyone’s frustrations (it’s not like they asked to be born last). So, for the purposes of this article, I’ve taken off my sibling hat and put on my pseudo-therapist one. After chatting with a number of middle children desperate to be heard, youngest siblings who claim they’re blamed for *everything* and only children who just want to enjoy their pie in peace, I’ve gathered the most common holiday flare-ups based on birth order. (Plus how to avoid a family meltdown this turkey day.)

1. Must I Take Care of Everything?

The Eldest Sibling

As the eldest sibling, you’ve always taken on the role of the “third parent.” Thanksgiving is your Super Bowl—a day you’ve likely been organizing for weeks. The seating chart, the timing of the turkey, the meticulously chosen wine pairings—all of it is part of your unspoken job description. But here’s the problem: when your middle sibling saunters in late with store-bought pecan pie (you asked for pumpkin), and the youngest is too busy cracking jokes to lift a finger, you get the sudden urge to use that carving knife recreationally.

The middle’s laissez-faire attitude grates on you because it triggers your deeply ingrained need for responsibility and order. And the youngest, always the charmer, will likely add fuel to the fire by making light of the situation—“Hey, at least I didn’t bring an inedible pecan pie.” It’s a perfect storm where the middle makes you feel unheard, and the youngest makes you feel uptight. You’re stuck between two siblings who either aren’t pulling their weight or are too carefree; it reminds you that the entire burden of making Thanksgiving happen is on your shoulders.

How to Avoid a Blowup

Delegate beforehand: Set specific tasks for each sibling—and make it something they’re good at. If the middle recently got into wine, tell them they’re on sommelier duty. Or if the youngest is a graphic designer, ask them to do the seating chart with funky place cards. That way, each sibling is more likely to pitch in (and less likely to get things ‘wrong’).
Let go of perfection: Thanksgiving won’t fall apart if everything isn’t perfect. It’s OK if the pie is store-bought instead of homemade. It’s not the end of the world if you run out of Diet Coke and grab Pepsi cans from the garage. Allow yourself some flexibility.
Take breaks where you can: When you have a minute between food prep and drink refills, step away for a moment to remind yourself that Thanksgiving is just a day. (One that’s, ironically, supposed to be about enjoying family time.) Grab a drink, and take a second to appreciate everyone's company rather than micro-managing everyone’s contributions.

2. Everyone In This Family Is So Unfair.

The Middle Sibling

Middle children often feel like they’re caught in the middle—both literally and figuratively. Thanksgiving tends to shine a spotlight on this dynamic, amplifying that feeling of being overlooked. While the eldest sibling is frantically ensuring everything runs according to plan, and the youngest is effortlessly soaking up the spotlight with their charm and wit, you, the middle, are left wondering why no one seems to notice the mashed potatoes you made from scratch?

The youngest always seems to get away with the bare minimum while the eldest’s entire personality is about taking charge of the operation (no one asked them to!). Meanwhile, you’ve spent the whole day pitching in where you can, and yet your efforts barely get a mention. Your older sibling, in their usual controlling manner, dismisses your attempts to help with a condescending, “I’ve got it handled.” And the youngest throws out a casual joke about how “the meal could survive without mashed potatoes anyway.” It feels like no matter what you do, your contributions are brushed off—you feel like you’re 10 years old again, trying to assert your place between the overachiever and the comedian.

How to Avoid a Blowup

Speak up early: If you’re prone to feeling under-appreciated, don’t wait until the frustration boils over on Thursday. Let your older sib know what you’d like to contribute beforehand, and how excited you are about it. That way, they’re not only aware you’ve pitched in from the start, but you’ll feel more like an ally than a nuisance.
Find your own spotlight: Whether it’s introducing a new dish or suggesting a fun family activity, find a way to create your own special “thing.” You want to create a pocket for within the chaos where your efforts can’t be ignored. After all, the youngest might be a natural entertainer, but planning isn’t their strong suit.
Don’t take it personally: Remember that the family dynamics at play aren’t necessarily intentional. Everyone has their own sh*t, and nine times out of ten, it has nothing to do with you. Focus on enjoying the holiday rather than keeping score—you don’t need the eldest’s validation to confirm how delicious your sweet potatoes came out.

3. It’s Not My Fault—I Did Nothing Wrong!

The Youngest Sibling

As the youngest sibling, you’re probably a natural charmer—and it’s on full display come Turkey Day. While your oldest bro is stressing over the turkey and making sure everything runs like a military operation, your middle sib is too busy trying to perfect a recipe (that nobody wants to try in the first place). So, with so many chefs in the kitchen, why not sip some delicious wine and make everyone else laugh? This is supposed to be a day of celebration, after all.

Because then it happens: you make a joke (a great joke, if you say so yourself) and the eldest gives you a look—it could burn a hole through the pumpkin pie. You were simply trying to lighten the mood, and now, your older sibling is annoyed you’re not helping—and the middle is making you feel even worse by quietly rolling their eyes. The worst part is that everyone’s taking their frustrations out on you. It’s not your fault things are going wrong—you’re not the one overcooking the turkey or arguing over the seating chart. Yet somehow, by simply being yourself, you’ve managed to put a target on your back.

How to Avoid a Blowup

Help actively (before someone asks): Instead of waiting around for your siblings to ask, jump in and take action. Set the table, pour drinks or handle the playlist right from the start. The truth is, no one should need to tell you that forks are required—and taking that initiative will help the peace (and surprise everyone in the best way).
Read the room: You’ve got killer comedic timing, but know that when tensions are high, a joke will never land. It might feel harmless to compare your older sister to Captain Kirk, but if she’s in the heat of the moment, all she’ll hear is: “You’re not helping at all.” Probably best to save the good stuff for dinner (after everyone’s had enough liquor to relax).
Show some gratitude: A simple, genuine “Thanks for handling everything” can go a long way. It’s okay to coast a little, especially when there are a lot of moving parts, but your siblings are working overtime to make the day special. Acknowledging everyone’s hard work will keep the peace (and ensure you stay on everyone’s good side).

4. I’m Leaving If One More Person Asks, “Still Single?”

The Only Child

Finally, this one goes out to only children (who don’t have the luxury of coasting on their sibling’s faults). You’ve had the undivided attention of your parents your whole life—and at Thanksgiving, this spotlight can turn from flattering to downright suffocating. Especially when that question comes up. The meal is barely underway, and someone (probably Aunt Diane) leans across the table and hits you with, “So, are you seeing anyone?” You can practically hear the collective gasp of your relatives, all turning their eyes toward you, eagerly awaiting the juicy details of your non-existent dating life.

Unlike those with siblings, you don’t have a built-in buffer or someone else to take the heat off you. This means you’re the prime target for all the well-meaning (but infuriating) questions that you just can’t escape. Cue the follow-ups like, “Did you get that raise?” or “When are we going to get some grandkids?” Your parents are probably too busy entertaining to intervene, and the cousins might even pile on with a lighthearted “You do need to get out there more!” You try to laugh it off or deflect, but it’s too late—the interrogation has begun, and suddenly, Thanksgiving feels more like an ambush.

How to Avoid a Blowup

Don’t defend, deflect: Have a few responses ready to shift the focus. Try something like, “Nothing to report on my dating front but what about your daughter? Heard she has a new boyfriend?” to steer attention away from your love life. When it comes to nosy relatives, deflection is your best defense—people love to talk about themselves (and other people’s relationships).
Set boundaries early: A polite but firm, “I’d rather not talk about that today—let’s focus on catching up!” can help set the tone and stop the questions before they pile on. It doesn’t guarantee that the topic won’t come up after a few bottles of wine, but it does fend them off until you’re more lubricated and less inclined to feel triggered.
Highlight something else: Again, if you want to shift the focus away from you, take control of the conversation. (You should be good at that since you’re a natural-born leader). This can be anything from a new TV show your binging or a trip you’re planning—people will be quick to move on if you give them something else to talk about.

Sydney Meister

Associate Editor

Writes across all lifestyle verticals, including relationships and sex, home, finance, fashion and beauty
More than five years of experience in editorial, including podcast production and on-camera coverage
Holds a dual degree in communications and media law and policy from Indiana University, Bloomington

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