What Not to Say to Your Teen, According to Family Therapists and My Teenager

“This implies that someone should just get over their emotions, which isn’t easy to do,” my son told me. While I’d say this to my son half-jokingly as a way to get him to continue to persevere in school, sports or socializing, he heard this as a diminishment of his struggle. Today, I take more time and give more attention when he’s disturbed.

2. “When I Was Your Age…”

Not helpful. I would say this to my son when I was discussing grades, study habits and learning to drive, but he’d look at me blankly since his Gen Z-lived experience is very different than my Gen X teendom. (For example, kids today prefer taking a Lyft to putting in the time, effort and risk into learning to drive a car.) I had a hard time not saying this until I read Generations, in which social scientist Jean Twenge details how every generation’s different social, economic and family dynamics create what’s normal, and how lecturing from a previous generation is not persuasively motivating.

3. “All the Other Kids Have (Jobs, Good Grades, a Social Life) Why Don’t You?”

Oof. A 12-step friend likes to say, “compare and despair,” and that’s certainly the vibe this statement brought into our home. Rather than using others’ accomplishments to belittle my child, a better lesson to model would be to suggest that my son ask their peers how they acquired said job, good grades and friends and then to imitate their behavior. Because when I asked my son why he didn’t accomplish something, he was as often as not mystified himself. And also—while other families might be showcasing their great successes, they have challenges they aren’t telegraphing on social media.

4. “I’m Disappointed in You”

I learned this one from my mom, and given how leaden inside it left me as a kid, I can’t quite say why I used the same language with my son. (It’s like the boyfriend who tells you he’s just not into you, then quips “I’m just being honest.”) Today, while I have disappointments, I keep the superficial ones to myself and, if I must express some, I’ll say “I’m disappointed in that grade/how that chore turned out,” rather than in him—and only after I’ve asked him first how he feels.

5. “You Can Do Much Better”

Ugh, more shaming. My son tells me that when I said this, I was assuming a level of skill, emotional maturity or overall functioning that me might not have (yet).

6. “You Never Listen”

Most teens need to be told the same message over and over before they carry out instructions. This may have to do with brain development, which famously isn’t finished until around the age of 26. So, while it may seem like your teen is not listening, he or she potentially is, just hasn’t followed through with your statement in the way you’d like. In my case, I learned not to say this when my teen pointed out the many times I, too, had been distracted and he’d needed to repeat himself.

7. “You Are Lazy”

Here’s one I’ve thought more than I said, until another mom related a story about her son to a friend of ours who is a coach. “He’s not lazy, he just hasn’t found what he’s passionate about yet,” the coach said. The mom, a celebrated actress, was reflecting on how her daughter’s lackluster job hunt contrasted with her own experience as a young go-getter. “Ambition is a gift,” the actress sighed. So…rather than pointing out, in a non-respectful way, my kid’s shortcomings, whenever I note what I think is laziness, I strategize ways to engage him in the next task, from doing the dishes to signing up for the right course load.

8. “I Don’t Believe You”

A surefire conversation-ender, this one. While it’s developmentally appropriate for all children to experiment with untruths, there’s no use in trying to catch a kid in a lie this way. What are you actually asking—for the truth, or for your child to spin a better yarn? Instead, I have learned to say why I have my doubts, and ask my child why they would feel they would need to be less than honest with me, and how I hope I am wrong. When I’ve done this, calmly and simply, I’ve as often as not had my son come clean, as well as tell me why he lied. (We have agreed that being honest is so much easier, since you don’t have to remember what you said.)

9. Speaking to Your Son in an Aggressive, Irritated and Emotionally Charged Tone

This last one, not a sentence but a blanket way of speaking, was a recurring theme of our family therapy sessions when my son was 14 or so. Looking back, I see myself as a terrified single working mom equipped with few parenting skills and fewer free hours to learn and practice mothering. My son needed more and different parenting than I had, and I was at sea…and was pretty transparent about letting everyone (including my son) in on my agitation. Add to this, I didn’t understand his resistance to my tone at all—didn’t he see I was just trying to keep my fears of being ground under late-stage capitalism at bay? I had to do some serious spiritual and mental health learning to pull myself out of this fear and into acceptance—the DBT idea of radical acceptance—and really internalize that I needed to put my family’s well-being first, which meant I had to quit being such a frightened and cranky mom.

Today, my son and I are able to appreciate our relationship and each other way more than we ever did when I was just blurting out whatever charged emotional statements sprang to mind. Counterintuitively, he and I have had to accept each other’s limits—and I’ve had to learn to pause and think before I speak to him—in order to grow. I never wanted to hurt his feelings, and he didn’t want to hurt mine, and now we don’t…because we say what we mean, but we don’t say it mean.