The Number 1 Thing That Terrifies Me, as a Boy Mom

The new Netflix series Adolescence—about a 13-year-old boy accused of stabbing a female classmate—has sparked a global conversation about one unsettling truth: teenage boys are in crisis.

Since its release, the response has been massive. Headlines are calling it “a parent’s nightmare,” and even British Prime Minister Keir Starmer says he’s watching it with his kids and backing a proposal for the show to be screened in schools and in Parliament.

The series has haunted me since I watched it weeks ago. And while the acting and cinematography are exceptional (newcomer Owen Cooper playing Jamie, the accused teen, truly deserves an award), what’s really kept me up at night is the dark digital world young men are being pulled into—the toxic online culture known as the “manosphere.” A place where typical teenage insecurities about appearance or popularity can morph into anger, misogyny and radicalization.

And the stats are sobering. According to the American Psychological Association, U.S. teens spend an average of 4.8 hours a day on apps like YouTube, TikTok and Instagram. A staggering 37 percent report five or more hours daily. And the more time they spend online, the more likely they are to report suicidal thoughts and negative body image.

Like many parents, I felt both horrified and helpless. What do we do with this information? And sure, my oldest son is only five—he doesn’t even know how to use a computer yet let alone go on social media—but this still feels urgent.

So I called in the experts. I spoke to a pediatrician, an online safety advocate and a youth motivational speaker to get their advice on raising kind, confident and emotionally resilient boys in a world that often pushes them toward the opposite.

Meet the experts:

• Jesse LeBeau is a motivational youth speaker and teen coach, and founder of The Attitude Advantage Program (TAAP), a program designed to help teens build incredible confidence, grit and resilience.
• Titania Jordan is a parenting and tech expert at Bark Technologies and author of the new book, Parental Control.
•  Shelly Vaziri Flais, MD, FAAP is a pediatrician and author of Nurturing Boys to Be Better Men: Gender Equality Begins at Home.

The phrase “toxic masculinity” gets thrown around a lot (especially in the current political climate), but what does it actually mean? At its core, it refers to attitudes and behaviors that are stereotypically associated with or expected of men that have a harmful effect on society as a whole.

LeBeau puts it like this: “Toxic masculinity often manifests in boys feeling like they need to suppress emotions, act aggressively or prove their worth through dominance rather than confidence.”

Even in the age of gentle parenting, research shows that old-school messaging and societal pressures remain strong. Boys are still told to “man up” and to suppress their feelings—and then we’re shocked when they erupt (remember Jamie in episode three?). “Many boys feel pressured to project confidence and toughness online while internally battling insecurities. This disconnect can lead to anxiety and loneliness,” Le Beau adds.

There’s one scene from Adolescence that was particularly eye-opening. Lead investigator DI Luke Bascombe is at the children’s school looking for a motive when his own son, Adam, takes him aside to explain what his dad has been missing. Bascombe assumed that Jamie and the victim were friends based on their Instagram interactions, but Adam explains that there are hidden meanings behind the emojis on Jamie’s page and that she was cyberbullying him. “The red pill is like, ‘I see the truth.’ It’s a call to action by the manosphere,” Adam says. “She’s saying he’s an incel, Dad.”

The takeaway? We don’t always know what our kids are doing—or what they’re going through—online.

I spoke with one mom-of-two from Missouri who told me that her family wasn’t in crisis, until all of a sudden they were: “My son is 13 and his younger brother is 9. We were thrown into emergency mode [a few months ago] with the discovery of online chat rooms and sexually explicit, bullying, pornographic messages. We are still sometimes struggling to catch our breath.”

And she’s not alone—research indicates that nearly half of teens have been bullied or harassed online, and many teenagers are exposed to explicit content online, with one recent report from Common Sense Media showing that a substantial percentage first encounter these types of materials before age 13.

The first one is practical—take advantage of all parental controls available. Per Jordan: “With many parental controls, you can filter/block problematic content, set time limits, and in some cases check browser history/Google searches and view what apps they have downloaded.” The expert also urges parents to sit down with their kids and watch some of the content they like to consume on YouTube and social media. “Play their favorite video games with them and pay close attention to what’s being said (and by whom) if those games have a chat feature.”

And even if your kids are too young for TikTok (like mine), now is the perfect time to start helping them build a healthy emotional foundation. Dr. Flais opens her book with a quote from Frederick Douglass: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” The pediatrician explains: “Simple, actionable steps early in a child's life can have a lasting impact.” Which brings me to the next step—communicate.

“Communication remains at the core of providing context to outside influences,” says Dr. Flais. For some families, this might mean having a shared journal where your kid is allowed to ask any questions without embarrassment or consequences and you will answer them honestly. For other families, it might mean leaning into your expertise and bonding over an unlikely topic. It’s about creating a safe space. And you can start this young. “Allowing our sons to express themselves, even at the toddler stage, matters,” says Dr. Flais. “How quickly do we parents admonish a preschool boy to ‘not cry?’ Of course our sons are human and should be allowed and encouraged to express themselves.”

The pediatrician adds that as kids get older, family conversations can often revolve around to-do lists and nagging (“did you finish your homework? Have you cleaned your room yet?”). Instead, the expert advises parents to ask open-ended questions and really listen. This will help your child build confidence and resilience. For example, let’s say your tween comes to you with a tricky friendship situation—rather than jump in with a solution, listen to them and ask ‘what do you think you should do about that?” in a supportive way.

Something that struck me about Jamie in particular is how he oscillates between extreme arrogance and crippling insecurity. It’s clear that he doesn’t really know who he is—or feel very good about himself. “The goal should be to help them find balance—confidence without ego, and vulnerability without weakness,” says LeBeau. One tip from the motivational speaker to counter this is to foster real-world (not online) connections. “Encourage them to join a team, club, or volunteer group where they can develop friendships and confidence.” These in-person bonding opportunities can have a big impact on their mental health.  

Both Dr. Flais and LeBeau agree that boys need to see healthy examples of masculinity. “We need to point them towards healthy examples of strong men who don’t display toxic behaviors. When they have role models who are confident and secure in their humanity, it helps shine a light on the ideal way to present yourself as a man,” says Dr. Flais. This can come from real life (coaches, teachers, family members) as well as the media they consume (books, movies, even certain YouTubers).

We all want to raise better boys, so let’s give them the room to feel, the space to grow and the tools they need.

“This is a crucial time,” says LeBeau, “and we all have a role to play in shaping the next generation. Let’s teach our boys that real strength comes from connection, purpose and resilience—not from outdated stereotypes or online validation.”