How To Raise Confident Kids, According to a Clinical Psychologist

“Raising confident kids involves fostering a belief in their abilities and security in their identity,” says Dr. Cook, adding that “it’s also important to show unabiding trust in their capacity to handle challenges.” In other words, a great way to raise a confident kid is by showing that you have the utmost confidence in them—and one of the best ways to convey this is by letting them make mistakes and get back on the horse.  

Easier said than done, I know. I was recently mildly terrified about my tween’s recent talent show performance because I’m a worrier and I imagined pretty much every possible scenario in which her dance routine could go terribly wrong and how she would then be scarred for life. Turns out this isn’t a really healthy way to think if you want to raise a confident kid. Instead, Dr. Cook suggests you “let them fail safely and model for them how to bounce back…or just learn together if you’re still figuring that out, too.” (Noted.) 

There are other key factors in play when it comes to how to raise confident kids. For example, the expert also tells me that it’s imperative for parents to praise effort, not just results. “Kids need to know they are valued for who they are and not just what they do,” says Dr. Cook. That means being the cheerleader even if they do royally screw up that talent show routine because, hey, at least they had the chutzpah to get up there and try—and that makes them a pretty cool kid. 

Finally, Dr. Cook tells me that it’s important to leave plenty of room for independence and free choice (within reason, obviously) because “letting kids make age-appropriate decisions helps them build trust in themselves.” The same goes for encouraging your kids to set achievable goals for themselves. “It’s not about lowering expectations; it’s about breaking things down into steps they can manage and grow from. These small wins give kids the message: ‘I can do hard things if I take it one step at a time.’ Then, they start to trust their own abilities and develop resilience,” explains Dr. Cook.

If you’re anything like me you might need some confidence-building advice yourself. Per Dr. Cook, it’s incredibly important for kids to see their parents model confidence, which means not openly making self-deprecating comments (i.e., “Urgh, I messed up dinner again—I’m such a bad cook!”) and instead openly using positive self-talk when navigating tricky new situations and showing grace when you make a mistake (i.e., “Oh, this is tough, but I’ll figure it out!” or “Oops, I made a mistake—but no big deal, I’ll just try again!”). Having a bad day and not able to muster such positivity in the face of a crappy situation? Well, at least just keep a lid on it. The last thing your kid needs to hear is your negative self-talk. 

Other ways to model confidence for your children include simply trying new things. If my daughter can hula-hoop in front of a crowd for the first time with a smile on her face, then why can’t I bring my (non-existent) artistic talent to a painting workshop and maybe learn a new skill?

Dr. Cook’s last piece of advice when it comes to modeling confidence struck me as a slightly adjacent issue at first, but makes perfect sense when you think about it: set healthy boundaries. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with consistent boundary-setting—it seems like a skill that can take some of us a lifetime to master. That said, boundary-setting takes confidence—and when you start doing it regularly, your children will take notice. “Kids learn a lot by watching how you say ‘no’ or stand up for yourself while still being kind and open to others. It teaches them that it’s OK to have needs and limits, and that respecting others doesn’t mean ignoring yourself.”

How to Model Body Positivity for Kids

Unsurprisingly, the expert tells me that the best way to model body positivity for kids is to not hate on your own body in front of them (or preferably just not in general.) The same goes for making negative comments about anybody else’s body, or even neutral ones about your kid’s body. To put it plainly, in order to model body positivity for kids you must first stop being so caught up thinking about bodies yourself; or in Dr. Cook’s words, “highlight kindness, effort, creativity and make it a regular practice to compliment qualities other than physical appearance.” And if you’re going to talk about bodies, the expert recommends that you use inclusive language that “emphasizes things like strength, flexibility and energy…and celebrates what bodies can do” (i.e., “Wow, our legs help us skate so fast”).

1. Praise Effort, Not Just Results 

When your child accomplishes something, go beyond the patent “Good job!” response and make it a point to recognize how they got there. Not every endeavor will result in success but that old notion of ‘A for effort’ is nothing to scoff at. In fact, it's a powerful way to instill confidence in your child and keep them pursuing goals with their head held high. 

2. Let Them Make Choices 

Anxiously hovering over your child and actively holding them back from making age-appropriate decisions (yep, we see you, helicopter parents) is a surefire way to shake their burgeoning confidence. If this is hard for you initially to adopt a new parenting style, it’s OK to start small, like by “allowing them to pick their own clothes and snacks, and letting them decide how to spend their free time,” says Dr. Cook. Ultimately, this shows your child that their voice matters and helps them build a sense of independence that they need to confidently trust their own judgment. 

3. Encourage Trying New Things 

“Confidence isn’t about being fearless; it’s about doing things despite fear,” explains Dr. Cook. What that means for you, the parent, is that you should “gently support them when they do something outside their comfort zone.” This can be something big (like trying out for the soccer team) or small (like trying a new food). And again, celebrate the effort and not just the outcome. 

4. Model Confident Behavior 

We discussed this already, but it bears repeating: practice what you preach.  Per the expert, “Kids learn a ton by watching. If you speak kindly about yourself, try new things, and recover from mistakes with grace, they’ll mirror that same self-trust.” 

5. Show Unconditional Love 

We all love our kids unconditionally, but sometimes this gets lost in translation—namely when we get hung up on things that don’t really matter all that much. For this reason, the expert emphasizes that “confidence grows when kids feel seen, supported, and loved no matter what.” The easiest way to do this is to find any and every opportunity to let them know you’re proud of who they are—not just what they do.