The Top 3 Things Your Sixth-Grader Worries About, According to a Neuropsychologist

I’m a mother to a tween girl and middle school is a rapidly approaching reality for us. Although my daughter hasn’t reached sixth grade yet, I’m already observing a lot of new developments. And I’m not just talking about her body (because, duh); I mean in terms of the things that weigh most on her mind. To get a better understanding of my daughter’s evolving interior life during this coming-of-age period, and to help any parents who are already in the thick of it, I sought out some insight and sound parenting advice on the subject from an expert on the age group.

Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D, is an NYC-based neuropsychologist.  She is also the founder and director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services. Hafeez received her doctorate from Hofstra University and went on to train as a neuropsychologist. Hafeez provides neuropsychological educational and developmental evaluations in her practice and also works with children and adults who suffer from PTSD, learning disabilities, autism, attention and memory problems, trauma and brain injury, abuse, childhood development and psychopathology.

Friendships start to gain even more importance around this age, but, on the flip side, the worry of being excluded by classmates often increases significantly. “Their concern focuses on how other children perceive their social status and if they are seen as ‘cool,’ explains Dr. Hafeez. Most of us probably remember that panicked who-am-I-going-to-sit-with-at-lunch feeling from our tween and teen years, but what, if anything, can parents do to help their kids navigate all these social worries?

“Parents should talk with their children about being a good friend and being kind to other children,” says Dr. Hafeez, adding that “when they have a problematic encounter, it’s important to remind them that tough social interactions and setbacks are something that everyone experiences.” Per the expert, it’s also beneficial to help your child understand that even those peers who have an outwardly confident exterior often also fight insecurities. And above all, “encourage them to seek out a few good friends they share something in common with instead of trying to fit in with a ‘cool’ group that may not align with their values or interests.” (That last part really hit home for me, because I know that I would have had a very different high school experience had I been less concerned with social status and more concerned with finding my people.)

“The transition from elementary school to middle school usually causes anxiety among sixth-grade students, who often experience overwhelming feelings when they encounter new surroundings and multiple teachers with more complicated schedules,” says Dr. Hafeez. Of course there’s also the persistent social worries, including fears about integrating with older classmates, as well as making new friends if their former ones ended up in different schools.

Change is a part of life and it can be uncomfortable for anyone, regardless of age. Still, parents can help their 6th grade children have a smoother transition by “discussing ahead of time what to expect and what some of the challenges could be.” The expert also notes that it's helpful for kids to physically visit the school, explore the new environment and familiarize themselves with the layout before the first day. Beyond that, just provide as much reassurance and guidance as you can, while emphasizing that the nerves are normal.

The expert tells me that children begin worrying about their physical characteristics more around this time. “Children at this stage also develop physically at different rates, but they want to fit in and be popular, so their appearance becomes important,” explains Dr. Hafeez, adding that “this may include wanting to dress a certain way or perhaps being upset because they think their braces make them look ugly, etc.” (My daughter is only ten years old and this has already started. There have been lots of conversations about whether or not her two front teeth are too big.)

The best way parents can help their kids shake this self-consciousness is by modeling healthy behavior toward body image themselves. In other words, don’t make critical comments about your own appearance within earshot of your child. Dr. Hafeez also recommends that when speaking to your child, you “focus on personal qualities like kindness, achievements, and personal growth, rather than appearance-based attributes.” It’s important to explain that personal and physical growth occurs at various speeds and physical appearance does not determine anyone’s true identity.