Gramnesia Parenting Is Real and Millennials Aren’t Having It

It started as a water cooler conversation with a colleague: Have you ever experienced “gramnesia”—you know, when grandparents seemingly forget what it is actually like to have young kids? “Oh, only like every time they visit,” she responded. It was then that I realized how universal this experience is for millennial parents. We haven’t just encountered gramnesia, it’s become one of the defining characteristics of how we interact with our own parents.

What does gramnesia look like in the wild, you ask? According to Jenny, a mom of two from New York, it’s when you stumble upon your own mom and mother-in-law feeding your one-year-old pigs in a blanket with whole hot dog chunks. “I had to run in the room because he started choking,” she recalls. “It felt like I couldn’t take a break. Both grandmas have definitely forgotten some key practices—or they ignore them because ‘they raised kids who turned out fine.’”

Or maybe it’s more about the way your mother talks to you about your parenting choices. Alana, a mom of three from Michigan, shared how her mother—who kindly helps with childcare—can’t help but mention regularly how I “slept through the night right away” and “never threw food on the floor.” In other words: she seems to have selectively forgotten what babies are really like.

In nearly all cases, grandparents’ intentions are good. When my own mother suggests that I try putting my infant to sleep on his stomach, it’s because that really was the reigning advice in her day. But the reality is that parenting practices—and gurus—have evolved over time. Their Dr. Spock is our Dr. Karp or Dr. Becky. And while the advice is better now than it was then, that’s not to say the way they did things was wrong, per se. (Although for the record, it is 1000 times safer to place all infants on their backs, period, the end.)

It's also natural to forget the bad and focus on the good when reflecting back as we age, says Stephanie Wijkstrom, a psychologist and founder of the Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburg. “They say that everything related to birthing a child and parenting them can be easy to forget, which is a good thing because it allows us to do it again,” she says. “Grandparents may look at parenting with nostalgia—and leave out the challenging bits—so they can keep their focus on the wonderful things that come with it.” And remember: Our parents didn’t have the same mental space or social media outlets for venting about parenting back then. If they suffered in silence, they may forget more of the hardships.  

Still, that doesn’t change the fact that grandparents’ selective amnesia can come across as shaming, hurtful and downright annoying. If you find yourself dealing with it regularly, Wijkstrom says it’s a good idea to bring it up. “Find a separate time to be honest about why their comments feel hurtful and not helpful,” she explains. “A good way in is to explain the exact challenge you’re facing now and why it is hard.” For example, “I know you didn’t mean anything by your comments about sleeping through the night, but I’m tired and sleep-deprived and it made me feel crappy to hear that from you.”

It also may be helpful to find your own way of stopping gramnesia comments before they start. One mom I chatted with mentioned she’ll say things like, “I know this isn’t how you sleep trained me when I was a baby, but this is a method that a lot of experts now say is effective and safe.” In other words, she validates that her parents have one perspective while she has another.

Of course, if you need to sidebar a friend to sound off that can help, too. Chances are, she’s got her own story to tell.