The One Thing You Should Never Say After Your Kids Hear You Fighting

Arguments happen. Big, loud, door-slamming, spit-flying arguments happen. The kind where you suddenly understand why your neighbor was side-eyeing you at the mailbox this morning. And let’s be honest—whatever set it off this time, it’s probably the same argument you’ve had 47 times before, just in a slightly different hat. But the real gut punch? Your kids were listening. From the staircase. Wide-eyed. Probably taking notes for future therapy. So, before you launch into a TED Talk on the correct way to load a dishwasher (spoiler: your way is the right way), let’s talk about what you should say to your kids after a fight—and, more importantly, what you should absolutely not say.

Alissa Taylor, LMSW is a Licensed Social Worker at Collaborative ABA Services, LLC, and is part of the interdisciplinary team that utilizes collaboration to support individuals and families. She works with children and families impacted by Autism in addition to other developmental, behavioral, and mental health disorders. 

According to Alissa Taylor-Saunders, LMSW, a social worker for Collaborative ABA, there’s one phrase you should never say:

"Don't worry about it. It’s none of your business."

Why? Because that’s basically the parenting equivalent of slamming the door in their face. Says Taylor-Saunders, “It sends the message that their feelings and observations don’t matter, even though they may be deeply affected by the conflict.” And rather than making them feel reassured, it leaves them anxious, confused and left to piece together their own (probably way scarier) version of what went down.

Rather than shutting down the conversation or pretending like it never happened, Taylor-Saunders recommends addressing the situation in an age-appropriate way:

• For toddlers (1-3 years old): Keep it simple and focus on emotions. Say something like, "Sometimes grown-ups feel mad, just like you do. But we still love each other, and we always work things out."
• For young kids (4-7 years old): Offer a little more context without overwhelming them. "We had a disagreement, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about each other. It’s okay to feel upset when people argue. What’s important is that we are a team and love each other."
• For older kids and teens (8-18 years old): Be real, but don’t drag them into the drama. (if you want some support, call your sister, not your daughter.) "Sometimes people have different opinions and emotions, and it’s okay to disagree. What matters is how we handle it and work through it respectfully." This is a great opportunity to model healthy conflict resolution.

Depending on how intense things got, it’s worth circling back later. No need for a formal PowerPoint presentation, but a quick check-in can help them process what they heard.

• Ask how they feel – And really listen.
• Validate their emotions – “It’s okay to feel upset or confused.”
• Apologize if needed – If things got particularly heated, a simple “I’m sorry you had to hear that. We’re working on talking things through better,” can go a long way.

At the end of the day, kids don’t need perfect parents that never fight—they need parents who fight and recover. So, while arguments happen (and will continue happening), how you handle the aftermath is what really sticks.