What Is Gender-Neutral Parenting? A Clinical Psychologist and a Mother of Two Gender-Neutral Kids Weigh In

I spoke to a mother-of-two—we’ll call her Kimberly—who is practicing gender-neutral parenting in her own house. (Both her children have fluid pronouns and gender identities that have evolved over time.) I also interviewed Dr. Cook on the subject, and both parties agreed that there are numerous benefits.  

“Gender-neutral parenting gives kids more choices and promotes authenticity, rather than restrictive stereotypes,” says Dr. Cook, adding that, “When kids choose their own path instead of following a prewritten script, they build self-trust, independence and the courage to embrace who they truly are.” Per the expert, this freedom to be a more authentic version of oneself is excellent for social-emotional health since, “gender-neutral parenting encourages all kids to express their emotions freely, allowing for more empathy, self-awareness and emotional resilience.”  

Kimberly echoed this sentiment. When describing her own parenting experience and observations of her child, she told me that “in choosing a gender-neutral identity, [my kids] were able to find a subculture that was creative and interesting…and that, via this experience, they have made some of their closest friends.” Kimberly also notes that it takes the pressure off of romantic leanings in the teen years. “For my child, I’ve gathered that their gender-neutral identity means that they don’t have to ask questions like ‘what gender are you attracted to?’ and fit themselves in a box like that. It’s more just like, ‘Who do you love? Who do you like being around?’” 

What Are the Challenges to Gender-Neutral Parenting?

“From the pink-and-blue baby aisle to gendered toy sections, society loves a good label. Parents who opt for a gender-neutral approach often find themselves swimming against the tide, facing confusion, skepticism or even pushback from family, friends and strangers,” explains Dr. Cook. 

Then there’s the issue of how you explain your child’s identity to others, with Kimberly telling me her biggest challenge came from talking about it with her immediate family. But she also said there was a learning curve for her, too. “It’s been challenging—remembering to keep up with it, explain it to grandparents, not slip-up with pronouns yourself,” she says, adding that her approach has been to encourage both sides to lighten up and not pressure each other. “I told my parents to back off on the comments about [missing the] feminine dresses and hair, but I also told my child to show us all some grace, because we’re learning.” Ultimately, “I don’t strive too hard to provide an explanation. I just do my best to defend my child,” she says. 

Other gender-neutral parenting challenges can be more practical in nature, like trying to avoid products and spaces that relentlessly reinforce gender stereotypes or filling out forms for school or extracurriculars.

Dr. Cook does note that when shopping for younger kids, you call the shots and can absolutely introduce a variety of play things, ranging from dinosaurs and trucks to Barbies and dollhouses for any kid. In other words, don’t think about what toys a girl or a boy is supposed to have. Think about what toys you think will develop strong play, empathy and cognitive skills.

2. Rethink “Girl Talk” and “Boy Talk” 

I raised my daughter in a relatively gender-neutral home. Her nursery was yellow, we did not have a gender reveal party and she wore gender-neutral clothes until that fateful moment at the playground when an older girl asked her why she was dressed so ‘boyish’. Now she’s a tween and peer influence and social media has made her head-over-heels in love with all things ‘girly.’ Personally, I don’t like either of these words, and I work hard to avoid using them in describing things, from frilly, pink dresses to action flicks.  

Dr. Cook encourages parents to take these linguistic tweaks a step further, by incorporating they/them language in a way that feels natural. For instance, saying something like “That waiter is so nice, let’s leave them a big tip.” “Language shapes how kids understand the world and their place in it,” says Dr. Cook. Using inclusive language helps them see that their identity isn’t limited by outdated labels.

3. Let Boys Cry and Girls Speak Up

Whether it’s coming from you or the grandparents, dated language that discourages emotional expression—anything to the tune of man up or that’s not very ladylike—is a big no-no. “Emotional intelligence is a superpower. Kids who are allowed to express themselves without shame grow up to be more confident, empathetic and mentally strong,” says Dr. Cook.

4. Call Out Stereotypes in Books, Movies and Real Life

“The media is one of the biggest influences on kids. If they see a variety of role models challenging traditional gender norms, they’ll grow up knowing they can do and be anything no matter what society says,” explains Dr. Cook. In other words, a great gender-neutral parenting strategy is to steer your kids towards movies, books and TV shows that feature strong, independent women and caring, emotionally intelligent boys.

5. Walk the Talk at Home

Last but not least, you can’t teach (or even support) what you’re not capable of modeling at home. Dr. Cook’s advice? “If you want kids to see gender equality as the norm, show them. Share household chores fairly, let them see all caregivers cook and fix things, and encourage everyone to pursue hobbies they love, whether that’s ballet or basketball.”

Summary: Is Gender Neutral Parenting Right for Your Family? 

The question as to whether or not gender-neutral parenting is a good fit for your family is, frankly, impossible to answer. I think it’s safe to say, though, that the best parenting modalities are ones that are flexible and rely on open communication as a means of staying attuned to your child’s needs. In other words, listen to your kid, and understand and support them in any way possible.