Only Daughter Syndrome Is Real: How to Recognize It if You’re a Girl Among Brothers

I loved growing up the middle child of three kids. Things were chaotic, but in a good way. Everything from carpools and karate class to road trips and piano lessons were wild and entertaining. Sure, I was the “middle” kid, which gets a bad wrap, but I was (and still am) the only girl. In the game of birth order, the “only girl” card trumps the “middle child” card—at least in my experience. But as we’ve gotten older, the only daughter title has begun to take on more meanings beyond the fun mani-pedi days with mom…like family therapist, scheduler-in-chief, emotional glue and crisis manager. It’s called “Only Daughter Syndrome.”

See, in families with only one daughter, the burden of emotional labor—managing relationships, smoothing tensions and caretaking—often lands squarely on her shoulders—my shoulders. Works by Dr. Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author of Untangled, and sociologist Arlie Hochschild, author of The Second Shift, expose how women are often expected to carry the emotional and relational burden in both personal and professional settings. We’re the problem solvers. The boss and the help. So, now that I’m pushing 40 with two kids of my own, it should come as no surprise that being both the default parent and the default daughter might be what’s flaring up my back pain. 

Kati Morton, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker and best-selling author of Are u ok?: A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health and TRAUMATIZED: Identify, Understand, and Cope with PTSD and Emotional Stress. She is dedicated to spreading awareness, reducing stigma and empowering individuals to prioritize their mental well-being.

Now, ODS isn’t a medically recognized condition, but much like "Eldest Daughter Syndrome,” a very similar phenomenon pointed out in a TikTok by Kati Morton, LMFT, it can still be valid for describing specific family dynamics: “These terms are useful shorthand for discussing shared experiences, even if they aren't grounded in clinical language. They often highlight themes like emotional labor, responsibility or unique gender expectations, which can help validate someone’s experiences and prompt deeper reflection or therapeutic exploration,” says Morton. 

So, what exactly are these experiences, and how do you recognize them? Morton helps me break them down.

“Families may unconsciously expect daughters to take on caregiving roles, whether for younger siblings, aging parents or the emotional well-being of the household,” shares Morton. 

Example: Even though your older brother lives closer to your aging father and has fewer responsibilities, it’s the unspoken rule that if your dad needs anything, you’re the one to manage it. 

Says Morton: “An only daughter might feel a heightened expectation to succeed academically, professionally or personally to ‘make the family proud.’”

Example: Looking back, so many of your choices—varsity tennis, pre-med, even boyfriends!—were made with your family in the back of your mind. 

“Families might rely on their only daughter as a confidante or mediator, expecting her to provide emotional support in ways sons are less often asked to,” prescribes Morton.

Example: Your brothers had a blowout over politics over the holidays and now they’re not speaking. You had literally nothing to do with the fight and think they’re both idiots. Nevertheless, your mom’s called you about three times already to help bring the family back together. 

Per Morton, “Without sisters, only daughters may lack someone who fully understands their experiences within the family context, leading to feelings of isolation.”

Example: You feel utterly overwhelmed by the gendered responsibilities placed on you both as a parent and as a daughter. But when you try to vent to your older brother about the state of your mental health, he gripes that he also has a lot on his plate, making you feel all the more isolated. 

Surprise, surprise, holding up a dual or even triple-load of responsibility can lead to anxiety, perfectionism and eventual burnout. Not to mention the guilt that many only daughters experience when they prioritize their own needs over their family’s expectations, shares Morton. The therapist also shares that being the emotional cornerstone of the family can result in emotional exhaustion, resentment and difficulty managing personal emotions. This is why Morton suggests setting boundaries gradually, because, let’s be real, setting boundaries is often way easier said than done, especially in a complex, co-dependent family. Lay a delicate path, brick by brick. Here’s how to do it. 

It’s not selfish just because it doesn’t involve the communal vote of your family. 

Try It:

You: “I can’t help organize the fridge today because I have plans.”

Family: “Can’t you reschedule?”

You: “No. Next time give me more of a heads up.”

Family: “OK.”

The family will not fall apart if you take a pottery class on Wednesday nights no matter how loud your brother tantrums about ruining family bowling night.

Try It:

You: “Chad, I need you to be on call on Monday and Wednesdays. I won’t be available because I’m taking improv classes.”

Chad: “But you’re the one the nursing home calls.”

You: “Right, so I added your number to emergency contacts. NBD.”

Typically, these are one in the same for you. The solution usually involves you giving up something in favor of the family, but you can’t be responsible for everyone’s happiness. Let someone else fill in the blanks. 

Try It:

You: “Exciting news! I’m going on a solo safari, so I won’t be able to host Thanksgiving this year.”

Family: “You never said you wanted to go on a safari—who’s gonna host Thanksgiving?”

You: “It’s always been a dream, and I decided to make it happen. Happy to share my turkey recipe (it’s easier than it looks!).”

You are more than your birth order or sibling line up! But redistributing your family’s emotional labor is no small feat, to which Morton shares that you can enlist the help of a therapist to assist this process, because, if you haven’t gotten the point by now, the writing’s on the wall: you shouldn’t have to do everything on your own.