3 Ways to Deal If You're Married to a Cheapskate

Spendaphobia. Frugality. Thrift. Whatever you want to call it, sometimes romance requires bringing you flowers that didn’t come from CVS (couldn’t he maybe just spring for a $12.99 Trader Joe’s orchid sometime?). But rather than trying to transform your tightwad, experts suggest you meet him in the middle. Here’s how.

1. Ask caring questions
Your partner’s family history has everything to do with his approach to finances. Gently investigate what’s driving his need to hoard pennies. How? Our go-to financial therapist, Brad Klontz, offers these questions as a template:

So, what was it like for you growing up around money? What socioeconomic class were you in? What was that experience like for you? What three things did your parents teach you about money? What’s your biggest financial fear? What are your biggest financial goals?

Once you understand where your spouse is coming from, you’ll be better able to see his (yes, occasionally infuriating) behavior in context. And ideally, he’ll start to see the world won’t end if he buys movie popcorn instead of sneaking in his own. You might even be able to move the needle and get him to meet you for coffee outside the house. Knowledge is power. 

2. Be open—not defensive—about your own spending
People who are anxious about money often pull back on the purse strings as a countermeasure to their spouse’s perceived “overspending.” Is she watching every dime to balance out your “irresponsible” purchases? Before you get locked into a battle where she’s scrutinizing each line of your Target receipt and you’re hiding that monthly razor subscription box behind house plants, have an open, frank discussion re: how much “fun money” you require to actually have, you know, fun. Stick within that agreed-upon range for a few months to win both her trust and your sense of financial freedom.

3. Lean in to the cheapness
Jo Piazza’s essay “Why You Should Marry a Cheapskate” might just convince you that frugality can be fun. Try looking at saving together as a challenge as rewarding as a Sunday morning spin class—so much pain, so much payoff. “We hear a lot about the importance of marrying someone who has the same values and the same goals as you do, someone who likes to do the same things, someone who has a compatible sex drive,” Piazza writes. “But we rarely talk about the nitty-gritty little things, like will that person scour the Internet with you to find the best price on a vacuum cleaner? Will they travel to the dodgy part of town to buy half-price dog food in bulk? Do they mind flying through Dallas to get to New York if the plane tickets are half the price? These little things matter a lot, sometimes more than the bigger things.” See if you can embrace your S.O.’s big picture financial goals and treat saving as a shared project with shared benefits (hello, kids’ college tuition/debt eradication/kitchen renovation). Your budget—and your marriage—will be stronger for it.