So...You Have a Toxic Mother: 8 Signs and How to Deal, According to Therapists

Think about your most recent interaction with your mom: Did she make you feel bad about yourself and then somehow play the victim? Did she pin the blame on you? Was she judgmental and maybe even mean? Did she try to make you feel guilty? I hate to break it to you, but you might dealing with a toxic mother. And while I can’t promise you a Gilmore Girls bond, there are ways you can have a relationship with your mom that doesn’t revolve around drama. Below, everything you need to know about toxic parent behavior, including advice to help you work through this complicated relationship dynamic…and keep your sanity in the process.

• Irina Firstein, LCSW, is a licensed individual and couples therapist.  She has been providing counseling and therapy to individuals and couples in New York for more than 30 years. She works with individual patients mostly using EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), and her work with couples is based on emotionally focused therapy (EFT).
• Golee Abrishami, PhD, is head of clinical care at Octave, an innovator in outcomes-focused behavioral health care. She is a clinical psychologist and experienced mental healthcare leader with over a decade of experience in management. At Octave, she leads the development and implementation of evidence-based, high-quality care for clients.

Toxic patterns vary from person to person, but there are a few textbook characteristics to look out for, Firstein says. “Toxic behavior is behavior toward other people that makes them feel bad about their life and themselves,” she explains. “It is characterized by criticism, control, manipulation and guilt—a big maneuver that toxic mothers use.” For example, if your mom constantly criticizes your life choices (like badmouthing your spouse), and if this has been an ongoing pattern for as long as you can remember, you might be dealing with a toxic mother.

Your mom dreamed of being an actress, but she became a lawyer instead. Then when you were cast as Belle in your middle school's production of Beauty and the Beast, your mom spent hours showing you videos of her old school plays and regaling you with stories of how she could've made it big. While it might seem ridiculous that a grown adult would be jealous of a 12-year-old, it’s a dynamic that people in toxic families know all too well.

You and your older brother are two completely different people, but because he’s a doctor with three kids and you’re a single journalist, your mom loves to try to pit the two of you against each other. You and your brother take the high road, but your mom's constant teasing still makes you feel insecure and attacked.

Dear old mom has made a habit of showing up at your family’s house, unannounced. Because you love her, you give in, but even after asking her to stop popping in without calling, she continues to do it. A lack of respect for boundaries is a sign of toxicity.

Do you feel totally exhausted every time you interact with your mom? I'm not talking about feeling like you need to be by yourself for a little while (something that can happen even with people we love being around). Interacting with a toxic person can leave you feeling defeated, since their dramatic, needy and high-maintenance tendencies can suck the energy right out of you—energy vampire alert.

Sometimes, parents can’t help but guilt trip their kids. (“What do you mean, you aren’t coming home for Thanksgiving?”) But there’s a difference between expressing disappointment and creating a toxic environment by blaming everyone else for their feelings. If your mom refuses to talk to you for a week because you decided to spend Thanksgiving with friends this year, you could be in toxic territory.

A parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional, but your mother is constantly setting conditions that feel a whole lot like threats. If you’ve ever heard the words, “If you don’t *fill-in-the-blank,* you’re not my daughter anymore,” that's a major red flag.

When you ask your mom a question ("Hey, want to go to lunch this weekend?"), you don't have any ulterior motives. When a toxic person asks you a question, though, they might be setting a trap. ("Are you free for lunch this Saturday?" Subtext: "If you aren't free for lunch on Saturday, I'll be mad at you for two weeks.") "Their modus operandi is to get people to do what they want them to do," Abigail Brenner, M.D., told PureWow earlier this year. "It’s all about them. They use other people to accomplish whatever their goal happens to be. Forget what you want; this is not about equality in a relationship—far from it." 

Sure, your mom will pick up the grandkids from school, but you’ll never hear the end of how lucky you are to have her help…followed by an immediate request to reorganize her basement. I'm not suggesting our parents should do every little thing for us, but you should be able to ask for a favor without having her hold it over your head or immediately ask for something unreasonable in return.  

There’s no one reason why or how a mother becomes toxic. There could be underlying mental illness that she’s never dealt with, or abuse in her childhood. Maybe she had a toxic mother, she’s a narcissist or she has a personality disorder. But whatever the cause, it can be extremely painful when the symptoms of her toxicity are aimed at you, her child.

“Parents who have their own psychological problems or addictions often exhibit toxic behaviors toward their young or grown children,” Firstein says. “Toxic parents don’t treat their children with respect as individuals, and they don’t take responsibility for their actions or apologize.”

Base level, Abrishami tells me, "Toxic mothers are likely to wreak havoc in your life." She adds, "They may directly or indirectly create drama for you, such as by spreading rumors or sowing seeds of resentment amongst family members. Toxic mothers tend to make impossible demands—no amount of attention is enough for them."

A toxic mother can also negatively impact the other relationships in your life—present and future. "Your relationship with your mother is the first relationship you have, making it the most impactful," Abrishami explains. "The relationship between you and your mother creates the framework for how you view all future relationships, especially intimate relationships." When that relationship is damaged, it can cause long-term emotional and relational challenges. Additionally, she says, "Having a toxic mother can negatively affect how you view yourself as a mother or sour your plans of becoming one." Basically, there are a host of ways a toxic mother can cause damage.

It will undoubtedly be difficult to tell your mom that the harsh way she picks apart your life is hurtful. You might not get anywhere, Firstein warns, because the very traits of toxic people make it difficult for her to accept that she’s wrong. Taking the higher road and attempting to work on your relationship instead of walking away is a huge step—kudos to you—but it’s smart to be armed with a few key phrases to say. “An adult child needs to be honest about what the relationship is like for them,” Firstein says. “Some of the phrases you can use include ‘This is not acceptable’ when discussing her behavior and how she makes you feel without merit, or, ‘I don’t like how this feels.’ Really drive home how severe her words can be and how strongly they affect you. If the conversation and repeated attempts to work on it go unacknowledged by her, saying, ‘If this does not stop, I will not be able to continue this relationship in the same way’ would be warranted.” This creates a boundary without severing ties completely, Firstein explains.

If your mother still refuses to acknowledge your feelings, it’s time to set up a boundary. But this doesn’t mean you’re cutting off your mom entirely. Instituting a boundary means you’ll still be a part of each other’s lives, but only in situations that you feel comfortable with. You call the shots here. “Lay out for your mom the specific things she says or ways she acts that hurt you—an eye roll and hurtful words every time you mention your partner, or when she’s dismissive and disrespectful when you mention your career, for example,” says Firstein. “Tell her that you won’t be around her if she’s going to speak to you like that. You can also let her know that if she chooses not to check her attitude at the door when you see her, those visits will be fewer and farther between, for your own sake. Will learning how to set boundaries solve all of your issues with your toxic mother? Probably not, but it will help you have a civil lunch without wanting to freak out on her.

This one is much easier said than done and may require a lot of practice—an admittedly unpleasant training process. As Dr. Bethany Cook, LCSW, told PureWow in a story about toxic mothers-in-law, "How others react to us has more to do with them than you.” So, try to find your inner Zen and avoid negative engagement, even when you can’t avoid the person. Cook also recommends “reframing your perspective and expectations of what it is you want, need and will get from your relationship with MIL.” After all, it’s much easier to change your own expectations than it is to change someone else—and the former will certainly spare you the disappointment and frustration of the latter.

Hanging on to feelings of resentment is bad for you—literally. Studies have shown holding grudges increases blood pressure, heart rate and nervous system activity. Alternatively, embracing forgiveness can improve overall health by reducing stress levels. Beyond physical health, letting go can improve one’s mental health, relationships and career trajectory. Healthline reports built-up anger directed at one party can bleed over into other relationships. Resenting your mom could manifest in you yelling at your own kids at the drop of a hat. From changing your perspective to downloading a meditation app, here are eight things to try to help you let go of resentment.

"Wanting to cut off a toxic mother is understandable, but having no relationship with your mother brings its own set of challenges," Abrishami reveals. "Try to do what you can to restore the relationship before breaking it by talking it out, setting boundaries, considering your values and healing in therapy." Still, despite putting in the work, some relationships are beyond repair, she notes. "However, if the level of toxicity is dangerous, you should consider ending, or at least pausing, the relationship to protect yourself and your loved ones."

Cutting off a toxic mother is a drastic step, Abrishami tells me, and one that should only be taken after trying to repair the bond. She explains, "Because your relationship with your mother is so instrumental in all of your other relationships, it’s typically worth exhausting all of your options before you cut off the relationship."

As I've established, toxic mothers can do a world of damage to their daughters, from destroying their self-worth to negatively impacting their daughters' relationships with others. While some mother-daughter relationships are beyond repair (in which case they should be cut off), others can benefit from some of the tips above, from boundary setting to having open and honest conversations. If you're concerned about the toxic aspects of your relationship with your mother, seeing a therapist or other mental health professional can help provide further clarity into the situation—and strategies for moving forward.

Abrishami stresses that if you have a toxic mother, there is hope. "All wounds can heal with proper care, treatment and time," she tells me. "You can do the work to understand how your mother wound has affected you and address the issues it caused. Addressing this in therapy can help you break the cycle of toxic parenting, free yourself from the past to focus on the future and deepen the love and positivity you feel towards your child, partner and yourself."