Should You Go No-Contact with Your Parents? 4 Tips from a Family Therapist

Whether your sister has always been a toxic presence in your life or your mom refuses to accept boundaries you’ve set—and reminded her of—time and time again, some familial relationships are a far cry from happiness, sunshine and roses. In those cases, going no-contact, or cutting off communication, can be a solution (either temporary or permanent). To learn more about what it means to go no-contact, signs it might be right for you and more, I reached out to licensed marriage and family therapist Carly Harris.

Carly Harris, LMFT, is the Young Adult Family Program Director for Newport Healthcare. She has extensive experience in the hospital and healthcare industry as well as a private practice setting. She joined the Newport Healthcare team in 2020, and is highly skilled in assessing and treating a variety of presenting issues for young people and families using evidence-based therapeutic modalities. Harris holds a Master’s degree focused in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from the University of San Diego School of Leadership and Education Sciences.

“Going no-contact with a family member usually means prioritizing one’s mental health and setting a boundary by cutting off contact with the family member for a short or long while,” Harris tells me, adding that you might not want this person in your life if they caused you physical, psychological or emotional suffering. “Stopping communication can serve as a form of self-preservation and self-care.”

Per Harris, common reasons people may go no-contact with a family member include:

• Abuse or neglect
• Betrayal
• Lack of respect
• Drug or alcohol use
• Religious or political differences
• Criminal behaviorNarcissistic behavior
• Refusal to apologize for inappropriate behavior
• Ignoring boundaries
• Financial arguments

She adds that if you have children that could be exposed to family dysfunction, you may consider going no contact from the family member causing said dysfunction to protect your kids from toxic relational patterns or unsafe environments.

You’ve always had issues with your mom, but you’ve put up with her behavior because, well, she’s your mom. If things get bad enough, you might have a lightbulb moment that tells you you shouldn’t put up with this any longer. Harris explains, “You have become more aware of how dysfunctional your relationship is with your family member and recognize that you cannot control their behaviors. You may want time to work through some things on your own and need the temporary distance.”

No-contact is often a last-resort, per Harris. “If you’ve set boundaries, worked on coping mechanisms and tried other options that aren’t being respected, no contact may be necessary for the sake of your mental health and wellness.”

Once again, maybe you’ve kept your dad in your life because there are some redeeming qualities. Once those redeeming qualities are overshadowed by all of the negatives, it might be time to go no-contact. Harris tells me that separation can give you the space required to take a closer look at the situation.

Plain and simple, going no-contact can create a distance that allows you to reevaluate. Harris says, “You may just need a break from certain family members because you have a lot of other things going on in your life right now, and you need to focus on you.”

It can be super helpful to weigh the pros and cons of making the no-contact decision with trusted friends or a therapist, Harris notes, adding that it can also be beneficial to evaluate your own side of the street first. She says, “Have you done what you can to manage your own emotions, communicate effectively or set and maintain appropriate boundaries? Focus on what you can control, which is how you show up in the relationship.” If you’ve done that consistently and still don’t see any positive changes, no-contact might be the right avenue for you. “This is a last-resort decision, after trying other solutions, but it doesn’t have to be permanent.”

“The best way to separate yourself from the situation and go no-contact is to set the boundary and communicate the boundary and purpose clearly to this family member and others who may be involved,” Harris says. On a micro-level, this could mean removing this person from your social media, if seeing their posts makes you feel bad, resentful or frustrated. She concedes that this is far from an easy decision for most people, and it may create some struggles and discomfort. “Working with a therapist can help you better understand your reasons for making this decision and prioritize what is best for you.”

If, once you’ve gone no-contact, a family member ignores your boundaries and continues to reach out, Harris says it’s crucial to reaffirm your boundaries, ignore or block them and lean on friends and other family members for support. The people who have your back will be ready and willing to show up for you in this way.