The One Phrase You Should Never, Ever Use in an Argument, According to a Couples Therapist

Any relationship expert will tell you that fighting can be healthy in a partnership—as long as you argue effectively and respectfully. That is, butting heads, though it's not always the best feeling, can build common ground and understanding. Still, getting to a healthy resolution can be tough—especially when we fall back on our old ways. In fact, according to couples therapist Kaitlin Kindman, there's one phrase that we tend to use a lot while duking it out with our partner that can have that exact detrimental effect. Here, the expert breaks down the pitfalls of spewing a particular set of fighting words that she says should be avoided at all costs.

• Kaitlin Kinderman, LCSW, is a Los Angeles-based therapist for couples, therapists, high-profile artist and leaders. She is the co-founder of Kindman & Co and has a Master of Social Work from New York University Silver School of Social Work.

So, when it comes to fighting fair, which words are best left unsaid? PSA from Kindman: Do not use “I’m sorry you feel that way” in an argument ever. “It’s likely well-intended and meant to acknowledge the emotions of the other person or to diffuse conflict, but it’s way too vague to communicate what you’re really thinking and feeling about the other person’s experience,” she says. Because of that, the impact is much more likely to invalidate their feelings or gloss over them altogether.

Think of it this way: When your partner tells you that they’re frustrated with something you did, it’s not easy to hear. If you disagree with their take or feel misunderstood, a common reaction is to feel sad, defensive, angry or shut down altogether. But, according to Kindman, uttering “I’m sorry you feel that way” comes from a self-protective space that only lightly acknowledges their feelings while carving out room for you to defend yourself and explain away your actions.

“We tend to overuse ‘sorry,’ when it should be reserved for true apologies,” she says. “‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ just isn’t a meaningful apology. It would be better to say, ‘I hate that you’re having that experience and my actions had that impact on you. I feel sad hearing this and I’m sorry for what I did. What can I do to make it better?’”

Otherwise, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ reads as ‘I think you’re overreacting to this small thing and now I’m frustrated by how you’re portraying me and I’m trying to say something to just make this conflict go away,’ explains Kindman. The result? Escalating conflict.

But if you are feeling the way these words convey (i.e. not ready to genuinely apologize for your actions) but still want to diffuse the conflict, try taking a few deep breaths and repeating back what you have heard your partner say to validate them. Per Kindman, “This will help both of your nervous systems calm down a little, so that you can hear each other again. Then, you can try to express that you disagree with some of their story and that you want to come to a more mutual understanding of what happened.”