In an ideal world, the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s should be full of friends and family, good food and general merriment. In reality, for folks who have toxic family members, the holidays can be rife with tension, stress and general opposite-of-merriment—whether your brother turns everything into a competition (not the fun kind), your mom has not the slightest clue what the word boundaries means or there are always strings attached when it comes to your sister-in-law. If any of those examples ring bells, I’ve got you. I checked in with two mental health pros, Janet Bayramyan, LCSW, and Dr. Lisa Pion-Berlin, ACSW, ACHT, for their tips for keeping it together during this supposed-to-be-festive time of year if it’s inevitable you’ll be dealing with toxic people.
How to Survive the Holidays If There's a Toxic Person in Your Family, According to 2 Mental Health Experts
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
Meet the Experts
- Janet Bayramyan, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and owner of Road to Wellness Therapy. In addition to her clinical practice, she is an active member of the EMDR International Association, Brainspotting Inc., and the Internal Family Systems Institute. She holds a Master’s Degree in Social Work from the University of Southern California and completed her Bachelor’s degree at California State University Northridge.
- Dr. Lisa Pion-Berlin, ACSW, ACHT, is a licensed hypnotherapist, CEO of Parents Anonymous and a respected mental health and parenting expert with more than 30 years of experience.
5 Ways to Deal with Toxic People Over the Holidays
1. Set Healthy Boundaries
Both experts stress how crucial boundaries are when it comes to dealing with toxic people around the holidays. “Make sure to express your boundaries upfront in any interaction you have with others,” Pion-Berlin tells me. “This could involve setting limits around time commitments or steering clear of topics.” She also notes that you should feel free to plan for how you'll exit uncomfortable situations, remembering that setting boundaries is about safeguarding your health and carving out a secure haven for yourself when faced with tough circumstances. Bayramyan suggests, “If possible, shorten your visits or stay physically distant from the person. Arrive late, leave early or spend time engaging with others in the room to minimize interaction.”
2. Don’t Engage
While it might be tempting to try to say your peace or justify yourself if called out, really focus on distancing yourself and refusing to engage. “Take a breath and calmly express, ‘I choose not to engage in this discussion,’” Pion-Berlin says. “Shift your focus to something else and use your energy for constructive engagements instead.”
3. Focus on Neutral Topics
Especially when dealing with a toxic person, the holidays are not the time for controversial conversations. Bayramyan’s advice? “Steer conversations to light, neutral subjects to avoid conflict. If the toxic person tries to stir drama, redirect or politely disengage.” Are the weather, Bravo reality shows and Aunt Carol’s latest knitting project a bit surface level? Yes. Are they safer option than anything that could lead to an all-out brawl? Absolutely.
4. Practice Emotional Detachment
Here’s a helpful tip from Bayramyan: “Recognize that their behavior is about them, not you. Visualize an emotional ‘shield’ to deflect negativity and maintain your inner calm.”
5. Have a Support System
There’s strength in numbers. Bayramyan suggests bringing a trusted friend or family member as an ally, or planning to check in with someone afterward for emotional support. You’re not in this alone; the people who are loving and healthy presences in your life have your back.
7 Ways to Prioritize Self-Care During the Holidays
1. Don’t Overdo It at the Bar
It can be tempting when you’re stressed about seeing a particular family member to hit the booze heavier than normal. That’s not a great idea, Pion-Berlin says, since alcohol can heighten cortisol levels, leaving you to feel more stressed. “Try subbing with mocktails or limiting yourself to one or two to keep these stress levels in check,” she suggests.
2. Prioritize Sleep
No one is at their best when they’re not getting quality sleep. Pion-Berlin says, “When you are well rested and recharged, you can handle the curveballs thrown your way during the hectic holidays. One way you can do you can make sure you're getting a good night's rest is by creating or maintaining a bedtime routine.” Here are a few tips and tricks for improving your sleep.
3. Set Realistic Expectations
“Avoid overcommitting or striving for perfection,” Bayramyan urges. “It’s okay to say no to certain events or responsibilities.”
4. Practice Gratitude
Both experts recommend trying to focus on what’s positive about the holidays, whether that’s spending time with loved ones or simple joys like freshly baked gingerbread cookies making your house smell incredible. If you want to take things a step further, Pion-Berlin recommends writing down a couple of things you feel grateful for each day, a habit that can help reframe your perspective.
5. Maintain Healthy Habits
Sticking to your schedule can be difficult around this time of year, but both Bayramyan and Pion-Berlin tell me it’s important to keep up your regular sleep, exercise and meal routines as much as possible in an attempt to stabilize your mood and energy. Pion-Berlin notes, “Spending 15 minutes outdoors can greatly improve your mood and mental focus by allowing you to breathe in air and move your body gently to release endorphins that enhance overall wellbeing.”
6. Schedule Downtime
“Block out time for rest or activities that recharge you, like reading, walking or meditating,” Bayramyan says. Of meditating, in particular, Pion-Berlin tells me, “Find time each day to practice meditation. It is simple. Just concentrate on your breathing and recite a soothing or uplifting phrase. This can allow you to center yourself in the moment and ease stress.”
7. Seek Emotional Support
Though the all help, these aren’t surefire ways to avoid major holiday stress. Pion-Berlin says, “If ever you feel any of these measures are not helping as they should, then professional support is a great next step. You can always reach out to the National Parent & Youth Helpline, where you can get 24/7 immediate emotional support from a caring counselor.”
Is It Ever Better to Skip a Holiday Gathering Rather Than Be Around a Toxic Person?
“Your mental health and wellbeing should always come first over any holiday gathering,” Pion-Berlin emphasizes. “It's completely acceptable to opt out of attending an event that you anticipate will have a negative impact or atmosphere.” Bayramyan echoes that if the person is severely toxic and the interaction will negatively impact your mental health, it’s perfectly valid to opt out. “Protecting your peace is a priority,” she says. Both tell me that if you do back out of plans, you can totally consider alternative ways to celebrate. Pion-Berlin says, “If the person hosting the event is important to you, then maybe you could suggest meeting up at another time for a coffee or a private gathering instead. This can help maintain your bond without causing unnecessary tension or negativity."
Is It Ever Worth Confronting a Toxic Person During the Holidays?
Probably not. “Holidays are often high-stress and emotionally charged, making it an unideal time for confrontation,” Bayramyan says, explaining that people are less likely to be receptive, and a heated exchange could ruin the occasion for others. “Instead, save these conversations for a calmer, private setting when both parties are more likely to engage constructively.”
Pion-Berlin agrees that confrontation is rarely the best approach. “If something said makes you uncomfortable, just try to change the subject, or calmly excuse yourself,” she suggests. “The goal isn't to confront the individual, but to safeguard your peace of mind instead. If needed, distance yourself completely from the situation or occasion. The holiday season should be about happiness and bonding—not turmoil and discord.”
