Everyone has had that friend at one point or another: the drama queen, the Debbie Downer, the shameless martyr, etc. But at what point do your friend’s quirks that you’ve excused for all this time veer into toxic territory? Clinical psychologist Dr. Monica Vermani tells me, “A toxic person is someone who is a negative force in our lives. They often cause conflicts, make unreasonable demands or place unrealistic expectations on your time and energy.” She adds that they’re often manipulative and seek to exploit the good nature of others, they ignore or challenge healthy boundaries and they can become emotionally or even physically abusive when they don’t get their way. Whether you’re hanging onto these friendships due to long history or adoration for their finer qualities, you need to set some serious boundaries. Here, how to tell if you have a toxic friend—and how to begin to heal the relationship.
How to Set Boundaries with a Toxic Friend, According to Therapists
Plus, what makes a friend toxic in the first place
Meet the Experts
- Dr. Monica Vermani is a clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience, as well as a public speaker, teacher and author in the field of mental health and wellness. In her private practice, Vermani provides a multi-faceted treatment approach in treating adolescents and adults suffering from trauma/abuse, mood, anxiety, substance addictions and other related conditions and disorders, as well as family and couples therapy. She employs a dynamic range of techniques and evidence-based treatment modalities, including psychotherapy, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, (CBT), Mindfulness Meditation–Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)/Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), Breath~Body~Mind (BBM), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming (EMDR).
- Duygu Balan, LPCC, is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in familial and intergenerational trauma, and attachment wounding. She is a PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) Level II trained couples therapist, and a certified clinical trauma professional. Balan incorporates existential, relational, humanistic theories and utilizes mindfulness and somatic techniques. She is also the first author for Confidently Chill: An Anxiety Workbook for New Adults and Re-Write: A Trauma Workbook of Creative Writing and Recovery in Our New Normal.
What Are Some Common Toxic Traits in a Friend?
Common toxic traits run the gamut from in-your-face obvious to more subtly insidious. Here are some to watch out for.
- They’re inconsistent. Balan notes, “While everyone has fluctuations in mood and behavior, toxic friends often take this to an extreme, acting in ways that are erratic and unpredictable.” This inconsistency can take the form of never being sure if they’ll keep their word or follow through on plans or not knowing what kind of emotional reactions they’re going to have. “This level of unpredictability may make you feel as though you are walking on eggshells, anxious and feel insecure in the relationship,” she says.
- You feel like they’re always keeping score. If a friend is constantly bringing up past mistakes or failures, per Vermani, they’re not only a scorekeeper but could also someone who views relationships as primarily transactional. She continues, “Of course, all relationships involve reciprocity, but when friends or family members constantly remind you of what they think you ‘owe’ them, there are often toxic dynamics at play.”
- There’s jealousy at play. “Competition and even jealousy among friends is not only normal but evolutionarily a necessary part of growth,” Balan tells me. “Jealousy is a human emotion that we all experience from time to time, however, if it comes from a place of self-centeredness and low self-esteem it may be unhealthy. Good friends are invested in one another’s well-being, but toxic friends may not demonstrate that. Remember your friends are people you celebrate your wins with, not people you apologize for or hide your success from.”
- They’re passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressiveness is a common, highly toxic red flag, Vermani notes. This can take on many forms: silent treatment, sarcasm, withholding of affection or attention, negativity and hostility. “Passive-aggressive behaviors are highly manipulative, guilt-inducing and negating,” she explains. “A passive-aggressive dynamic can be very manipulative and destructive to relationships of all kinds.”
- It’s always about them. “Friendships are meant to be reciprocal and take ongoing time and energy. In healthy friendships, everyone’s perspective is valued, emotions and needs are validated, and there is empathy. If you feel like your friend’s neediness is suffocating or they only reach out when it’s convenient for them, it might not be a healthy and stable friendship. If your friend is unwilling to prioritize you, or give you space, the relationship might not be a healthy or balanced one.”
- They lack accountability. “In healthy friendships, there is a commitment to understanding each other’s perspectives and taking responsibility when things go wrong. If your friend refuses to acknowledge their part in conflicts or continually avoids efforts to repair the relationship, the friendship might be dysfunctional.” In a similar vein, a toxic friend will try to blame you for their own emotions—another manipulative behavior. “We need to take responsibility for our own emotions and set boundaries around taking on guilt when others attempt to blame their emotions on us,” Vermani says. “When both people in a relationship take responsibility for their own emotions, they will be less inclined to be manipulative or dependent on another person.”
- They push boundaries. Healthy friends respect one another’s boundaries, it’s as simple as that. Balan says, “In contrast, toxic friends interpret personal boundaries as abandonment or rejection. Intrusiveness, disregard for your privacy, excessive demands for attention and refusing to honor your limits are clear indicators of toxic traits.”
Are There Ways to Mend a Toxic Relationship?
It depends; Vermani tells me that the reality is that not every relationship can be fixed. “Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime,” she says. “We are here to learn and grow from one another. There is value in accepting the fact that you cannot change other people and that the only person you can truly change yourself.”
Still, if you are interested in healing the relationship, here’s how to approach making healthy changes to a toxic relationship.
1. Build Awareness
The first step to addressing toxic relationships, she says, is recognizing the toxicity. “Once we recognize what we want to change, we can begin to address the underlying issues of an unhealthy and non-supportive pattern of behaviors and choices,” Vermani says.
2. Take Responsibility for Your Part in the Dynamic
“When we own up to our part, and show that we are working on our self-improvement, we begin to create change,” Vermani tells me. “We effectively lead by working on ourselves, and inspiring change in others.”
3. Try to Have an Honest, Authentic and Compassionate Conversation
Key word: Conversation. This shouldn’t be a blame session. Vermani explains, “Besides conveying your concerns, it is important to listen to the other person’s feelings, thoughts and perspective. And by listening I mean active listening, not thinking of the next thing you are going to say in your defense.” By listening and learning, you can work to rebuild a sense of trust and mutual support.
4. Set Boundaries
As Balan noted, toxic friends often overstep healthy boundaries, so establishing and enforcing clear boundaries is essential to changing unhealthy patterns. Vermani elaborates, “Define what is acceptable and what is not, and communicate these boundaries to your friend. Boundaries help protect your emotional well-being and promote respect within the relationship.”
5. Stay Aware
You’ve put in the work to start course correcting your relationship, but that doesn’t mean all will be well forever. Vermani says, “Over time, if the relationship does not improve, and old patterns continue to repeat themselves, have compassion for yourself.” Translation: If things don’t get better—or they do for a bit before regressing—allow yourself to walk away.
