How to Deal with Toxic Coworkers, According to a CEO

You know the type: The coworker who barrels into the office and heads straight to the kitchen with steam coming out their ears. All you wanted was a tall glass of cold brew before buckling down at your desk, but now you’ve been standing with Nell by the snack cart for 45 minutes listening to her gossip about what a pain in the butt Jan is, why her manager “has it out for her” for not approving her time off and how she’s so underpaid that she can’t actually be expected to do her job. You’re nodding along, because you know that if you disagree, you’ll be the one she’s talking about tomorrow morning. Well, should you be wondering how to deal with toxic coworkers, look no further. Below, I’ve asked fractional CEO and conflict mediator, Mason Farmani, to share ten tips for deftly managing even the most toxic situation. He also delves into the “Gray Rock Method” and Socratic questioning as possible mediation strategies, and how to know when it’s time to get HR involved. And if Nell sounds like…you…here are ten questions to ask yourself about that before you hit the water cooler.

Mason Farmani is a Los Angeles-based personal and corporate coach with over 30 years of experience as the founder and leader of several companies. As a fractional CEO (a part-time leadership position providing strategic direction, experienced decision-making and critical mentorship guiding businesses through periods of transition, scaling, or crisis management), Farmani has honed his skill in navigating high-stakes relationships and conflicts. He holds a degree in industrial psychology from the University of California Los Angeles and has extensive training in neuroscience, trauma healing and leadership from Landmark Worldwide.

Are they actually having a bad day or is your co-worker stuck in a toxic cycle? Here are four toxic traits Farmani says you should watch out for.

• Chronic Negativity: We’re all grumpy now and again (myself included), but if your coworker is a constant Negative Nelly whose glass is always half empty, you can kiss your team morale goodbye.
• Gossiping: I mean, we all need a good water-cooler gab sesh (the tea!), but it can go too far. Coworkers who are gleefully sharing confidential information or spreading rumors will damage reputations, relationships and create conflict.
• Inflexibility: This doesn’t mean having no boundaries. In this case, Farmani explains that inflexibility is toxic when it makes someone averse to new methods and ideas, preventing progress and stalling open-minded team members.
• Overly Competitive: Healthy competition is good, but not at the expense of teamwork. Someone who regards their colleagues as competitive as opposed to collaborators will inhibit teamwork.

Farmani’s number-one piece of advice to lay down your boundaries. (Remember, this doesn’t mean you’re inflexible, despite what an inflexible coworker may want you to believe.) He tells me, “Politely but firmly communicate your limits and walk away stating you have to get back to work.”

Nell: Can you believe Maria got promoted to head nun? She’s always late and getting into trouble.

You: I don’t speculate on these things—I’ve got an overflowing inbox with my name on it.

This is a hard one, especially if you’re invested in your job and care about the work you’re doing. However, I’ve personally come to realize, toxic situation or not, that some things—like difficult people—are out of my control. Difficult personalties are who they are, and I’ve found that doing what Farmani advises—focus on maintaining a neutral, balanced reaction when they try to provoke—is the best way to handle it. If you don’t react, they have nothing to react off of.

When there’s conflict, it can be easy to let your mouth run—you need to air your grievances, after all. However, one of the best things you can do in a situation with a toxic coworker is listen. “Acknowledge their feelings without getting caught up in the negativity,” Farmani says. “This can help de-escalate the situation and may make them feel heard without affecting you emotionally.”

Nell: I’m pissed. I should have been promoted, not Maria. I do eight times as much work as she does.

You: That sounds frustrating. What tasks do you feel you’re performing that aren’t getting credit?

Just because you have to sit next to them doesn’t mean you’re obliged to be work BFFs. Farmani advises limiting your interactions with a toxic coworker as much as is reasonable without impeding either of your abilities to complete your work. And if you do need to speak with them, keep it work related.

Nell: Want to grab after-work drinks? I have *tea* on Maria. The head nun position is going to Hell, just like I predicted.

You: Thank you for inviting me, but I already have some plans tonight and need to head home. I’ll see you tomorrow and we can finish that RFP before lunch.

Yeah, what they said just now really stung, but bouncing off of Farmani’s advice to stay emotionally detached, remember, it’s not personal. “Remind yourself that the toxic behavior is a reflection of your co-worker’s issues, not your worth,” he says.

It’s all about work-life balance, right? Make sure you’ve got something to do after the 9-to-5, whether it’s trying a new hobby, incorporating new core workouts into your home routine or hanging out with friends and family. As Dr. Monica Vermani has previously told PureWow, “engaging in activities and pursuits we love is a pillar of self-care.”

When someone gets confrontational, it’s easy to just lob insults at each other, complain and leave the conversation exactly where you started. Instead, employ tactics number two and five, then focus on actionable steps. “If the toxic co-worker constantly brings up issues, try to steer the conversation toward practical steps for resolving them,” Farmani tells me. “Ask what they are planning to do about their complaints. This usually stops the complainers and gossipers.”

Nell: You completely cut me off in the meeting and made me feel like a total idiot. I can’t believe you would do that! You’re just kissing up to the head nun so that you don’t have to take the night shift.

You: It wasn’t my intention to cut you off or embarrass you. There was a long pause and I read it as you being finished speaking—you also turned off your camera. Next time, if you’d like to continue speaking, feel free to pick up the conversation or use the “raise hand” feature so the manager leading the meeting knows to circle back to you.

Seems unlikely, but if you can find some common ground, like a shared goal, project or interest, keep your conversations focused on these topics and use them to recalibrate if your toxic coworker starts rambling about how much they hate their boss or your fellow colleague.

Nell: Stella didn’t approve my time off again! I know it’s because she wants to go to Fiji the same week I already booked to go to Japan. Can you believe it?

You: Yikes. I hope you can get it approved. I actually wanted to talk to you about the project we’re supposed to be working on while you’re gone. Can we go over what we’ll need so we don’t have to bother you on PTO?

Confrontation used to make my knees knock; I hated it so much. But as I’ve gotten older and found more confidence, I’ve learned that done correctly (read: politely, respectfully, with good intentions), confrontation is a help, not a hindrance. Think about it—confrontation isn’t what you’re afraid of…it’s how people will respond. So don’t take it personally, emotionally detach and get ready to have a conversation.

“Often, someone will choose to silently endure the behavior, hoping it will resolve on its own, rather than kindly confronting the person and setting boundaries,” Farmani says. “This passive approach often leads to increased frustration. By not setting clear boundaries or voicing concerns, you inadvertently enable the toxic behavior to persist.”

I’m guilty here. Once someone starts complaining or gossiping, I get right on the train. (Though, I’m trying to be more cognizant of this and stop myself when I notice.) Farmani says that, tempting or reflexive as it may be, you’re doing no one a favor by emulating the same toxic behaviors as your coworker in question.

“While it might feel satisfying in the moment to mirror the behavior, this approach only perpetuates the negativity and further degrades the work environment,” he explains. “Instead of solving the issue, engaging in toxic behavior makes you just as responsible for contributing to a toxic culture. It also erodes your professional reputation, as others may see you as part of the problem rather than the solution.”

You may have heard of the “Gray Rock Method” and Socratic questioning as possible tactics for diffusing toxic behavior. The former, according to PsychCentral, is a strategy in which “you deliberately act unresponsive or unengaged so that an abusive person will lose interest in you.” You are, essentially, a rock. This is similar to Farmani’s advice above, where he advises staying emotionally detached and not taking things personally. Meanwhile, Socratic questioning is, per Verywell Mind, “a communication style that allows a person to stimulate another person's thinking through open-ended questions.”

Farmani says that both can be effective ways to manage a toxic coworker, but they have different purposes, so know what you’re trying to achieve before you go into a conversation.

“The Gray Rock Method is a particularly useful strategy when dealing with narcissistic individuals,” he says. “By minimizing emotional engagement, you essentially deprive the toxic person of the attention or reaction they seek, which can lead to them losing interest and moving on to someone else. Socratic questioning is helpful when you want to encourage self-reflection without directly confronting the individual. Instead of attacking their behavior, you guide them to reflect on their actions by asking questions like, ‘What makes you think that?’ or ‘How does that benefit the team?’ Both of these strategies require mindfulness which can help you to maintain your emotions instead of lashing out at the individual.”

Talk about an awkward situation. The person you should be able to go to for help is the one making life miserable. If this is you—first, I’m sorry. Second, here’s what you can do: Hold onto the *receipts*. Farmani advises making notes with specifics, including dates, behavior and incidents that have occurred. A paper trail will be crucial if you need to escalate the issues to HR or senior management.

Of course, you also want to try and work towards a resolution that doesn’t involve escalation, and to that, Farmani advises: “Consider trying to set boundaries with your manager. You can do this by calmly explaining your expectations. If possible, speak privately to the manager and discuss what you're observing and how their behaviors have impacted you. Don't be defensive and keep it on facts, not feelings.”

This is the worst case scenario and, sadly, sometimes we find ourselves here. But how can you determine that it truly is necessary? (After all, escalation opens an entirely new can of worms.)

“Bringing in third-party mediation is appropriate when internal efforts to resolve a conflict have failed or when the situation has escalated to the point where it affects productivity, morale or workplace dynamics,” Farmani says. “Third-party mediation can help identify deeper issues and offer long-term solutions when the issue is recurring or unresolved.” However, you’ll always want to attempt to settle disputes directly before raising a flag. No go practice being a rock.