3 Phrases You Should Never Say to Your Middle Child, According to a Therapist

Oh, middle children! Not the oldest, not the youngest, just somewhere in between, I understand your plight, for I am one of you. And after talking with clinical psychologist  Mary Ann Little, Ph.D., about the typical family dynamics and behavioral outcomes for middle children, I left with a much better understanding of why middle children tend to get the Stephanie Tanner edit, always feeling like the second fiddle. In fact, Dr. Little confirms that both theory and research demonstrate that children are affected (in both good and bad ways) by parents who treat them differently based on birth order. “Middleborns, as a group, tend to be independent,” starts Dr. Little. “They are often family peacemakers who mediate conflict, seek relationships outside the family, and are easy going. But they can also be jealous, competitive, rebellious, insecure and manipulative.” Oy. I feel seen. So how do raise middleborn kids with strong self-worth who feel independent and secure at home? Let’s start with what not to say. Here, three phrases and ideas to stop throwing at your middle child.  

Mary Ann Little, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who has been in private practice for over four decades and serves as adjunct faculty at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center. Her latest book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children, has received critical acclaim as a parenting book. Reviewed by Dr. Edward Hallowell, a Harvard psychiatrist, as “ground-breaking, unique, brilliant,” it offers practical advice for growing healthy, happy children.

• The Problem: When invoking older siblings' accomplishments or behaviors, parents risk letting the older sibling overshadow their middle child’s development.
• Examples: “Act like your big sister.  Eat with your mouth shut.” “See how she does it? She’s not afraid of the clown.” “Sit up and act like a big girl—like your sister.”

Let’s get one thing straight: no child is another child, no matter how similar they look or even behave. So having the expectation that one of your kids can just snap a finger and be like their brother can be problematic, especially for a middle child. “He or she can come to feel unimportant,” starts Dr. Little, “failing to measure up to the standard set by their siblings. Feeling undervalued undermines the development of a healthy self-concept. Because the child’s self-concept is foundational to overall emotional health, adequate encouragement and consistent recognition of their accomplishments is key.” First, why would a younger child necessarily be able to do what an older sibling can do? Second, as a parent, demonstrating to your middle child (or any child) that you see them as age-appropriately capable is good for their self-concept. And while you don’t have to over-exaggerate accomplishments, you also don’t need to downplay deficiencies or compare skills to an older sibling, which can stoke rivalries that middle children are especially vulnerable to. Even just pointing out something unique about your middle child—a preference, an aversion, a special kill—without judgment can make a child feel seen in their own individuality.

What to Say Instead: “You’re doing a good job at spelling. You got eight words right and that’s better than yesterday.” “You’re trying hard and running faster and faster!” “I noticed you laugh at all of Bandit’s jokes—tell me why you think he’s the funniest Bluey character.”

• The Problem: Parents risk ignoring their middle child’s feelings, driving them underground and compromising healthy development. 
• Examples: “Don’t be mad at your brother for spending the night out. You know you can’t do that yet.” “You shouldn’t complain about your sister.  She helps you out all the time.” “Don’t be angry with your brother.  He didn’t know it was the last bag of chips.”  

It’s true, middleborns are prone to feeling jealous and often become competitive with their siblings. It doesn’t feel good to come in second, and yet middle children are always coming in second. Too old to play with the little kids and too little to play with the big kids, Dr. Little says that middle siblings often experience a sense of inferiority or inadequacy. So just because you might think it’s silly that your 6-year-old is crying because their 9-year-old sister is having a sleepover, try to remember that their feelings are real and developmentally appropriate. “Punishing children for their feelings denies them the truth of their emotional experience. Being deprived of the attention they desire is a blow, and middleborns should not be talked out of their feelings,” explains Dr. Little

What to Say Instead: “I understand that you don't like it that your sister is a better swimmer than you are. That's hard.” “I know that your sister gets to do some things that you're not yet allowed to do. That's not easy, and I understand it must make you mad.” “You're right. Your brother is a good writer.  I know you wish you could write as well as he does.” 

• The Problem: When referring to what an older brother or sister can do in the context of the middle child’s achievements, parents risk drawing unnecessary attention to the older sibling’s accomplishments, implying a comparison and undermining the middle child’s self-concept and self-confidence. 
• Examples: “Look at your brother—he wins every race. I’m sure you can run fast too.” “Look at your sister, she loves playdates—you’re gonna have the best time.” “Your sister had Miss K. for first grade too, and she was the top student.”

All of your kids deserve praise for their accomplishments, whether it’s tying their shoes in occupational therapy or solving for X without ever opening an algebra book. But, Dr. Little warns, excessive praise of one child over another can interfere with emotional security:  “Children need to know that they are important and successful in their own right, and implied comparison with an older sibling can interfere with that process. Children need to learn that there are different expectations and demands depending on the age and stage of the child, conforming to the reality of each child’s experience.”

What to Say Instead: “Your brother is doing good work for a second grader. Preschoolers do other things.” “If you like playing softball, play softball! But don’t do it just because your sister did. You are your own person and might have different talents.” “No need to compare yourself to your friends or you sister—what’s important is that you’re learning to read on your own.”