As a Boy Mom, I Kind of Dread Play Dates with Girls

This past summer while on vacation, we met a family with the same aged kids as ours at a local playground and invited them over for a playdate—I figured the kids could play on the small beach by the house while the grown-ups drank coffee and chatted. The family arrived and their two little girls—ages 5 and 2—sat down in the sand making sandcastles and taking turns using the bucket and spade. My kids, on the other hand, proceeded to take off their clothes, jump into the freezing sea, throw rocks into the water to watch them splash and build castles only to quickly smash them. My 5-year-old son at one point announced that he needed to pee and proceeded to do so in a nearby bush, his behind available for all to see. And look, we were on vacation! I think (I hope?) my kids’ rambunctious behavior was relatively harmless, if a bit loud, but the difference between our two sets of kids was stark. And reader, I felt judged. 

Then just a few days later, my 3-year-old niece arrived to stay with us. She spent most days telling me that I was her best friend and sweetly coloring in pictures in the living room; my son spent most of the visit running around outside collecting “treasures” (i.e., rocks, sticks and feathers) and playing on the property’s quad bike (parked, of course, although he begged us to let him ride it solo). At one point, the two cousins were playing restaurant where they were bringing me, the guest, various meals—my niece surprised me with “cake” and “tea”; my son surprised me with “spicy jalapenos” and was delighted when I made a big show of choking on the heat. 

After our friends and family had left, my husband and I joked about how wild our brood was and that we would never invite a group of girls over to play again. It was a joke, clearly! And yet… in every joke there’s an ounce of truth, no? (FWIW—I have a son and a daughter, but as the youngest she is very inspired by her older brother’s… energy, let’s call it.) 

There is in fact some science to suggest that raising boys is different from raising girls. Some of this comes down to how their brains are wired, but of course nurture and societal expectations play an important role too. In terms of the brain stuff, research suggests that boys’ brains mature slower than girls’ do, for example, impacting things like impulse control and emotional regulation. There’s also evidence to suggest that carrying boys is harder on the mom’s body than carrying girls, with scientists theorizing that this may be because boys grow faster in the womb and therefore require more nutrients and oxygen than supplied by the mother through the placenta. “Boys are more demanding than girls before they are born, according to scientists,” reads the headline of that particular study. And sure, I couldn’t find any concrete evidence of this but is it not possible then that the physical demands of raising boys for mom continues into childhood? 

As for the nurture portion of the puzzle, family therapist Sabrina Nasta, LMHC with Grow Therapy tells me that environment plays a big role in how kids interact and play. “As a professional, I see that that nurture tends to have a major impact on this as boys are more interested in physical activities, while girls appear to be interested in more relaxed (yet still active) activities like playing with dolls or playing house.”

There’s no scientific consensus about this, but it would certainly seem that there is some evidence to suggest that young boys may be, perhaps, a little more intense than their female counterparts. It’s not all bad news for parents of boys, however—interestingly, data suggests that couples who have sons are more likely to stay together than those that don’t. Analysts posit that this is because dads are more engaged parents when they have sons. (So, you know, not exactly great news.) 

What does this all mean? Honestly, I don’t know. I think most parents would agree that parenting has its ups and downs—regardless of a child’s gender. One group, however, that seems to have latched on to the notion that having boys is the preferred alternative is the #boymom cohort of social media. You’ve seen the videos (and if you haven’t—brace yourself). 

“When you realize you're gonna have to share the love of your life (my baby boy) with another female one day…” reads on TikTok video, the mom miming that she needs a “double shot of whisky” to handle this harsh reality. “They say when God gives you a son...it's because you deserve to know what true love is” says yet another. These loud-and-proud parents of boys post videos under the hashtag #boymom showcasing how much they love (are in love with?) their sons and boy, do they want you to know it. 

I personally do not consider myself to be a “boy mom” in the TikTok way, although I am, factually, a mother of a boy (soon to be two boys, actually). I also have a 2-year-old daughter which would seemingly disqualify me from using the term to post content (maybe? I don’t really know), but even so, I don’t ascribe to the notion that having boys is a calling or that I am—and implied in much of the social media conversation is the idea that I should always remain—my son’s greatest love. 

However, when I think back to the summer’s events I have to be honest—I get a little nervous about having playdates with girls because, well, they make me feel like my kids (inspired by my eldest son) are wildlings. 

Of course I recognize that my feelings are gender stereotyping at their worst. And it’s not like I haven’t experienced crazy playdates with girls. One time my son invited his girl friend over and she nearly left our house with our passports in her My Little Pony purse! And my daughter has no problem keeping up with my son’s antics, so yes, I am well aware that girls can be “wild” too. “Based on my experience as a pediatric occupational therapist, I can tell you that there are some boys that are more active but also there are some girls that are equally as active,” Robyn Lev, MS, OT/L tells me, adding that parenting also factors into this equation.  

And yet, anecdotal evidence from parents suggests that boys and girls do play differently. “All of my kids’ cousins are girls so we’ll go over to play with them and my boys always feel so rowdy and wild in comparison,” says Lauren, a California mom-of-three. “I always hear comments—even from the dads—saying things like ‘Oh wow, they never stop moving’ or ‘Careful, not so rough!’ Meanwhile I’m thinking to myself… that wasn’t even that wild or rough!” Similarly, scroll through #boymom content on TikTok and you’ll see videos of moms chasing down their sons, breaking up fights between brothers and imploring viewers to “check on moms with boys…we are not OK.” 

But of course, I want my son to play with boys and girls and anyone who identifies beyond the binary. As a #boymom (there, I said it), I have a responsibility to raise a son who not only avoids reinforcing outdated gender stereotypes but actively challenges them. It’s up to my partner and I to nurture a mindset that embraces inclusivity and respect for all identities. Which is why I’ve scheduled another playdate with my son’s girl friend tonight… meaning I’d better go hide those passports.