I Was Ghosted by a Super Close Friend. I Wish I Handled It Better

Five years ago, I was ghosted by a close friend. To say it was unexpected was an understatement. We bonded over being foreigners in a city we both loved, that didn’t quite love us back. She was the type of person to bring you soup or groceries when you were sick (which she did, for me, several times) and step in during an emergency, no questions asked. We shared hobbies and the same artistic interests. We cried together. So many of my memories in that city are intertwined with her. And then, a few months after I had repatriated, she disappeared.

The ghosting happened gradually, over the course of about a month as she and I, along with a couple friends, were attempting to coordinate a joint art project. Her responses were scattered, promising commitment but failing to follow through, leaving the rest of us confused. Eventually, she stopped responding completely, and I can tell you that’s the first time I tasted betrayal. After all we had been through together, and she couldn’t give us the dignity of a “hey, this is not in my capacity right now”? I was livid. No matter how many times I tried to process the emotions with my friends, whom she had also ghosted, I couldn’t “get over it.” For three years, I couldn’t even say her name without a shiver of rage rolling up my spine. I blocked her on social media, because looking at her face, vibrant on the internet but empty in my own life, hurt too much. I’ve now come to a point where I’ve forgiven her, but I do sometimes wish that I had handled it better at the start. So, I spoke to a conflict mediation coach and a psychologist to get their insights on how better ways to process the emotions, keep the line of communication open (if you can) and, ultimately, how to move on.

• Mason Farmani is a Palm Beach, Florida-based personal and corporate coach with over 30 years of experience as the founder and leader of several companies. As a fractional CEO (a part-time leadership position providing strategic direction, experienced decision-making and critical mentorship guiding businesses through periods of transition, scaling, or crisis management), Farmani has honed his skill in navigating high-stakes relationships and conflicts. He holds a degree in industrial psychology from the University of California Los Angeles and has extensive training in neuroscience, trauma healing and leadership from Landmark Worldwide.
• Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, a psychological practice that treats learning disorders, anxiety, depression and other psychopathological disorders. Hafeez obtained her Doctor of Psychology at Hofstra University and completed her post-doctoral training in neuropsychology and developmental pediatrics at Coney Island Hospital.

When attempting to establish contact with a friend who’s fallen off the radar, Farmani tells me it’s important to keep three things in mind when you’re considering your approach. And, sadly, you probably shouldn’t expect a response.

• Be Calm and Direct: As much as you may want to, steer away from an accusatory tone. Simply state that you’ve noticed a distance between the two of you, and you want to know what’s going on.
• Acknowledge Your Feelings,  but Keep It Light: Tell them how you feel without making it a big confrontation. Farmani recommends something like, “I’ve missed our conversations and was wondering if everything’s all right on your end.”
• Give Them Space to Respond: Avoid following up too quickly, and allow them ample time to process their feelings before responding.

When it comes to actual texts, there are three general buckets your message could fall into. The “Well-Being Check”, the “Direct, Calm Inquiry” and the “Closure Text.”

Think of this as the “sign of life” text—you have genuine concern for your friend and how they’re doing. It’s simple and non-confrontational, allowing your friend the option to reestablish connection.

What You Can Say:

• Hey! Haven’t heard from you in a while. All good?
• Hi—it’s been three months since I’ve last heard from you. Want to make sure you’re OK.
• I know you were going through some stuff the last time we talked. How are you? I’m here if you need to check in with someone :)

Use this text if you’re just trying to figure out what’s going on without piling on the pressure. “This approach directly addresses the situation while keeping a non-accusatory tone,” Farmani says. “It’s good if you want answers but don’t want to come off as overly demanding or emotional.”

What You Can Say:

• Hey, I’ve noticed we haven’t been in touch lately and wanted to check in. Is everything OK on your side?
• Hope you’re doing well. Wanted to see if I could get my sweater back in the next few weeks. I left it at your place last time we hung out.
• Been a while since we’ve seen each other! You free for a get-together soon?

This is the most difficult one to send, but may sadly be necessary. “This one is more vulnerable and aimed at seeking clarity or closure, especially if the ghosting left you feeling hurt or confused,” Farmani says. “It’s more emotional, but if you want to express your feelings and understand what happened, this is the approach for you.” Although, like the other examples, refrain from being accusatory and focus on your feelings.

What You Can Say:

• I have to be honest, I’ve been feeling hurt since we lost contact. I really value our friendship and would love to talk about what happened.
• Hey—I’ve been feeling really confused since we lost contact a few months ago. This friendship was so important to me. I’m sorry if I hurt you—it was unintentional. I’d like to reconnect but if we don’t, wishing you well.
• Hi, hope you’re OK. Sad I haven’t heard from you in a long time. Our friendship meant a lot to me. I hope you’ll get back in touch, but if not, thanks for the time we had together.

Trying to get someone to write you back—especially someone you thought was your best friend—can be frustrating. I completely understand wanting to go off the rails and send a string of texts that could end up in a psychology dissertation. However, much as it may feel cathartic, keep the negativity out of it. (Or save it for the journal—more on that in a sec.) Below are some tips Farmani shares for writing a good text when a friend ghosts you.

• Keep It Brief and Simple: “People who are avoiding contact may feel overwhelmed by long or emotionally charged messages. A concise, straightforward text is easier for them to respond to without feeling pressure. The simpler the message, the more likely they are to engage.”
• Give Them an Easy Out: “Make it easy for them to respond without feeling like they have to explain everything. If you're seeking a response but not demanding it, offering an out makes it less intimidating.”
• Use Humor: “If your relationship had a fun, lighthearted vibe before the ghosting, using humor can help break the ice. A funny or casual message can help reduce any tension and encourage them to reach out.”
• Offer Something Positive or Helpful: “Sometimes, people ghost because they feel burdened or uncomfortable. Offering something uplifting can soften the approach.”
• Timing Matters: “Sending your message at the right time can also increase your chances of getting a response. Avoid texting during stressful or busy times (like holidays or work hours) when they might be less likely to engage. If you can, choose a time when they’re more likely to be relaxed or have time to check in, like early evenings or weekends.’

I’ll admit I’m not super proud of how I handled my friendship breakup. I did a lot of complaining to my friends (who had been ghosted, too). I may have said some things I regretted, and I wish I hadn’t wasted three years of my life livid every time I thought of my former friend, which was often.

When speaking with Hafeez, she recommended four practices for managing emotions that I wish I had thought about.

“Express your feelings, pain and unresolved thoughts. Writing can be a helpful way to release emotion, without needing to confront the person directly,” she tells me. And don’t worry—you don’t have to send it.

“Make time to do the stuff you love, whatever this may be,” Hafeez advises. “Perhaps going for a walk, baking, taking a warm bath or participating in a sport. It's important to be nice to yourself during this time.”

“Talking to someone about the situation can help you get your feelings out, possibly see a new perspective and feel better overall.” I did a lot of this, and while I didn’t necessarily feel better afterwards, I did feel like some weight had been lifted every time I talked about it, and listened to our mutual friend process the same feelings. It meant I wasn’t alone.

“Look back at the positive aspects of the relationship and what you’ve learned from it, rather than focusing on the bad.” There are moments when I’ll think about her and feel some sort of regretful, platonic love. Whenever I pick up an instant camera or watch a film by our favorite movie director, I remember her and the good times we did share, and I feel gratitude.

Ultimately, I’ve learned that it all boils down to forgiveness. Which, for the record, I refused to do for a long time. But, as Hafeez says, “Forgiveness involves reaching personal peace instead of granting permission for someone's actions.” I finally came to a point where I realized that forgiving didn’t mean condoning, and the only one hurt by my inability to forgive was myself. If you’re going through something similar, feel the feelings and then do the only thing you can: Wish them well and get on with life.