What Is 'Stashing' in Dating? Expert Tips on Pocketing & Stashing

It’s been four months since you started dating Jim. You’ve gone hiking, binged the entirety of Bridgerton together and eaten at his favorite pizzeria so many times you feel like the staff knows you’re together. But you haven’t met any of his actual friends—let alone any family. Wait, you did run into his college buddy on the street, though! And they chatted for a bit…but now that you think about it, he kind of glazed over an introduction, right? It sounds like this Jim character is stashing you. Stashing, or pocketing, is basically when someone you're dating hides you from their friends and family. I asked Rachel DeAlto, a dating expert at the dating app Plenty of Fish, for more information—including how to deal if you suspect someone is stashing you.

Rachel DeAlto is a dating expert at Plenty of Fish, a communication and relatability expert, media personality, keynote speaker, emcee and the author of relatable: How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere (Even if It Scares You). She is also the co-founder of The MAGNET Method, a consulting firm focused on employee engagement, and Match Group’s Chief Connection Officer.

Stashing—sometimes referred to as pocketing—is when one person in a relationship makes the conscious decision to hide the other person from his or her inner circle, both in real life and on social media. At first glance you might think it's immediately a bad thing, DeAlto tells me, "While sometimes viewed negatively, recent data from Plenty of Fish shows nearly half of daters (46.5 percent) are deliberately taking things slow when it comes to sharing their relationships."

Per DeAlto, signs to look out for include:

• Your partner hasn't introduced you to friends or family despite dating for several months
• They avoid taking photos together or posting about your relationship
• They're hesitant to attend social events where their friends might be present
• They keep their relationship status ambiguous on social media

There’s no one reason why stashing happens, and DeAlto tells me that while some are questionable, others are because people are being more intentional about sharing their relationships. "Some want to make sure the connection is solid before taking a relationship public or introducing someone to family," she says. "The key is understanding the underlying motivation: Are they hiding you to continue to live a single life, or because they are taking things slow?"

As with most relationship issues, open and honest communication is key. DeAlto suggests having a frank conversation about expectations. These conversations might bring you closer together over some shared vulnerabilities—maybe the so-called stasher is not on speaking terms with certain family or friends after a falling-out—but there’s also the potential for the opposite to happen.

"Express how much the person means to you and that sharing more of life’s moments together is something you're excited about," DeAlto says. "By keeping the conversation positive and rooted in communication, you’re more likely to find common ground and strengthen your connection (freak matching, anyone?)."

You can start by talking about your and their ideal timeline for integrating into each other's lives and asking them what feels comfortable. Even if your timelines don't exactly match, DeAlto says it's important to try to be understanding of their perspectives. 

What if I’m Met with Backlash?

If this person is doing something hurtful to you and they respond in any way that’s not supportive, understanding or at least curious, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Sidestepping your feelings is a major red flag. Remember that a caring partner will not want you to feel this way, and if they really do have a good reason for keeping you stashed, like a family matter or they just weren’t “there” yet, they’ll be receptive to the conversation and interested in moving forward. If not, then you deserve to be with someone who wants to be outwardly excited to be with you.

Because stashing is often used as a means for taking things slow, there are definitely times when it's appropriate, including recent divorce or separation, past relationship trauma, complex family dynamics or simply wanting to build a strong foundation first. DeAlto explains, "In these situations, a bit of privacy can actually be beneficial. It allows both partners to focus on building trust and understanding at their own pace, and ultimately creates a healthier relationship."

Again, depending on the motivation behind stashing, it's not necessarily a bad thing. DeAlto stresses, "Taking time to develop your connection privately can be healthy—and as the Plenty of Fish data shows, almost half of daters are choosing this approach. It allows you to focus on building your bond without external pressure, and make sure the connection is real before involving others and their opinions."

DeAlto assures me that, yes, a relationship can survive stashing, but three things must be true:

• Both partners are on the same page.
• There is open communication about the motive and expectations.
• There is an endpoint.

As the expert explains, stashing can be a red flag in a relationship, but it doesn't have to be; there are legitimate reasons for wanting to keep your relationship on DL for a time. The only way to find out if your new partner's motives are pure is by having an open and honest conversation with them. If they're able to tell you why they're choosing not to shout your relationship from the rooftops—and you agree on a timeline for when you'll be more open—stashing isn't a clear-cut sign that your partnership is doomed.