Kink vs. Fetish: Differences, Examples & Tips from Sex Experts

You've read 50 Shades of Grey. You have a favorite rabbit vibrator. You've figured out your—and your partner's—lust language. You know what a kink is...or do you? I reached out to a sex therapist and a non-monogamy educator to talk all things kink vs. fetish, in case you want to explore one—or both—in the bedroom. (Because, spoiler alert, they're not the same.) Strap in, because it’s about to get steamy. 

• Rosara Torrisi is a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist at the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy. She helps clients with issues including sexual dysfunctions, low desire, erectile difficulties, pelvic pain and more. She graduated from Columbia University with a Master of Science in Social Work. She earned a Master of Education in Human Sexuality from Widener University and her PhD in Human Sexuality. She is a tenure-track Assistant Professor at Widener University and guest lecturer around the country, teaching courses about sexuality, sex therapy and disabilities.
• Ally Iseman is the founder of Passport 2 Pleasure, an online destination that offers comprehensive resources for folks interested in non-monogamy through online courses, workbooks, structured community, and private guidance along with access to sex-positive events and eco-luxury retreats for curious couples and individuals. She’s a speaker, non-monogamy educator and practitioner and organizer in the sex-positive community in Los Angeles, a certified Consent Fairy and one of the hosts of what has become known as “LA’s most intimate play party” (according to LA Magazine).

“A kink is something sexual that someone likes to do with themselves or consensually with partners,” Torrisi explains. “This is usually something considered outside of mainstream sexual activities.” (Vanilla sex, this is not.) A kink usually brings extra erotic energy to a sexual encounter, she tells me (think: BDSM, role play or polyamory). It’s worth nothing, however, that what’s considered kinky is subjective. Case in point: While your mother-in-law might think that sex toys are kinky, your bestie considers them pretty vanilla.

A fetish is similar to a kink, but the difference is that something is a fetish when it MUST be present in order for the person to achieve sexual arousal or enjoyment. This can be an act (like having sex in public) or an object (like feet). The important thing to remember here is that a fetish is something that the person cannot get aroused without—for some people simply fantasizing about the fetish can be enough while others may need to actually engage with the object or behavior in some way.

There can definitely be some overlap between a kink and a fetish so I understand the confusion. Torrisi breaks down the difference as “whether it's something someone likes to do or if it’s something someone has to do in order to have sexual pleasure.” Here’s an example: If one night in bed, you accidentally hear your neighbors going at it and it turns you on, that’s kinky. But, if you need to listen to or watch others having sex in order to feel aroused, that’s a fetish.

Iseman reiterates, "A fetish is the need for a specific thing in order to experience arousal versus a kink is a preference for it. One is a requirement and the other is an inclination." Because of that, there's a lot of overlap in examples of kinks and fetishes—it just depends whether they're preferences or requirements to determine whether they're kinks or fetishes. Iseman tells me that she doesn't have any fetishes, but there are plenty of kinks she enjoys.

She says, "Mindfully playing with power dynamics in an informed way with knowledgeable partners is something I have found to be not only highly pleasurable, but also deeply healing as someone who has experienced sexual assault. Power play has not only helped me when dealing with anxiety, but has also played a huge role in enabling me to regain my power and sensuality from a grounded, embodied place." She adds that having a dominant personality or wanting to control others isn't the same thing as ‘being a Dom(me),’ and stresses how important it is to educate yourself before you step into this space or you can end up doing a lot of unintentional damage to yourself and/or others.

Other examples of kinks and fetishes include foot fetishes, group sex, sensation play (where, for example, one partner may blindfold the other to deprive them of their sense of sight), voyeurism and cuckolding (when one partner watches their partner have sex with another person but doesn't participate).

“Two of the most important things about exploring kinks and fetishes are consent and safety planning,” says Torrisi. That means finding a partner that you can trust and doing your research (like learning how to properly tie a knot, for example). Keep the acronym RACK in mind, which is not a fetish but instead stands for “risk aware consensual kink.” It’s a term used in the kink community to make sure that all parties are comfortable and safe.

“There are really great resources from folks who work professionally with kinks and fetishes,” says Torrisi. She recommends checking out La Maison du Rouge for products, educators, research and more. “Joining a community to learn more about how to safely explore kinks and fetishes is also important,” she adds. If you are experiencing distress about any kink or fetish, reaching out to a sex therapist could be helpful.

First, it's important to distinguish between kinks and fetishes (which you've already done if you've made it this far into the article). If you're thinking about exploring, it's crucial to keep consent, boundaries and safety in mind. If your kink or fetish involves another person, be sure you're on the same page before diving in—communication is key to having positive experiences. Also, take it slow. Especially if you're new to this type of bedroom exploration, don't dive in too fast, lest you get overwhelmed and sour on the idea altogether. If you're generally interested in spicing things up but aren't sure where to begin, an online quiz like this one can help narrow down what you might be into.

You can, but the presence of one doesn't require the presence of the other. It's kind of like the 'all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares' thing: You can have a kink and a fetish, but that's not always the case.

Though they're sometimes lumped into one group, kinks and fetishes are two distinct things (though there is some overlap). As Torrisi notes, the difference is about whether it's something someone likes to do or if it’s something someone has to do in order to have sexual pleasure. Both kinks and fetishes can enhance your experience in the bedroom (or outside the bedroom, depending on what you're into), and it's totally natural to explore—as long as you do so safely and consensually.