2 Things Grown-Ups Need to Stop Saying to Kids Going Through Puberty, According to Pediatricians and Experts

At 11 years old, I confided in my mom that I thought I was dying as I had two identical tumors forming on my chest. There was no judgment—or really any kind of reaction—for my mom’s part. But soon after, on a visit to a zoo with some family friends, I found myself walking along a quieter path with just myself and Dr. Sheree, my parents’ friend and a physician. I’d been so distracted with writing my will in my mind and all that I barely noticed the seamless handoff. But it was in this tête-à-tête that I learned I probably didn’t have cancer, but that I was growing breasts, and that I was probably starting puberty. A better, albeit still bitter, pill to swallow compared to my earlier diagnosis. A thousand years, and two of my own children later, I can recognize a good parenting game when I see it. So kudos to my thoughtful mom who never judged or made me feel more awkward about my own awkward feelings toward the most awkward time of a kid’s life. 

There really is no better descriptor of puberty than awkward, which is why authors (and parents to six teens between them) Cara Natterson, MD and Vanessa Kroll Bennett named their book on the subject This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained. The book offers parents science-based explanations and tips for talking to kids about almost anything puberty-related. But the authors also argue that adults need to have a grasp of today’s teen culture to continue these helpful conversations. And they’re right. A new high-level study of self-reported data details that girls are getting their periods earlier in life than ever before. 

No matter which way you slice it, puberty is awkward, but if grown-ups can help make it a little less so, we should totes (do kids still say ‘totes’ these days?) try.  This is why I asked Dr. Natterson and Kroll Bennett, point blank, what we should stop saying to our kids when it comes to puberty. Here’s what they told me. 

• Cara Natterson, MD, is a pediatrician, New York Times–bestselling author, co-founder and CEO of OOMLA, a company designed to make puberty more comfortable (literally), and co-host of The Puberty Podcast. Cara’s puberty books – including The Care and Keeping of You series – are read by millions.
• Vanessa Kroll Bennett is the founder of Dynamo Girl, a company using sports and puberty education to empower kids, the author of the Uncertain Parenting Newsletter, musings on raising adolescents and the co-host of The Puberty Podcast.

• The Problem: It is a big deal. If your kid has big feelings about it, brushing it aside creates confusion and shame and will probably result in your tween/teen cutting you off from important information. 
• Examples: “It’s normal! Suck it up!” “You and every other kid—goes through it and will get over it.” “Don’t worry about this stuff, it’s not a big deal.”

First and foremost, say Dr. Natterson and Kroll Bennett, puberty is not something kids can simply “get over.” “Kids experience dramatic rising and falling sex hormones during puberty and those hormones don’t just rise and fall in the body causing physical changes to occur, they also surge and plummet in the brain affecting kids’ moods and behaviors. Those outsized reactions you see in pubescent kids? Those are thanks to the roller coaster of hormones. Layer on top that their brains are under construction affecting decision making and behavior as well,” say the co-authors. In fact, the teenage experts share that neuroscience research tells us that tweens and teens literally feel things more strongly than people younger and older than them. “They are not choosing to be dramatic, they are chemically and neurologically having a more intense experience,” they explain. So next time you’re tempted to tell a kid It’s not a big deal, think again.

• The Problem: According to science, you probably don’t. 
• Examples: “I went through it too, and I’m fine!” “Oh, c’mon, I went through all that stuff and I don’t even remember the bad parts.” “I know exactly how this goes.”

It’s likely coming from a place of empathy, but beware: “Adults assume that today’s puberty is exactly like the puberty they went through, but it is completely different!” says Dr. Natterson and Kroll Bennett. “First of all, it starts earlier, two to three years earlier, with an average age of 8 to 9 for girls and 9 to 10 for boys.” And that’s not the end of it. Puberty also lasts longer than it did when today’s adults went through it, “so rather than a three-to-four-year sprint through awkwardness, it now stretches like taffy, lasting close to a decade.” And finally, the authors share that today’s puberty happens with a cell phone in hand, which makes the social experience of this stage of life vastly different than a generation ago. So when adults say to kids “I had the exact same experience and know just how you feel,”they’re missing the point. “Modern puberty is utterly different on so many levels.”

I’m not trying to say you should never to talk to your kid about puberty. But the experts suggest leaning toward less talk and more listening. Better yet, listen with curiosity and judgment-free interest (I see you, Mom). “The goal in connecting with tweens and teens is to talk less and listen more. No easy task, we know. However, there are certain phrases that can help get you there.” Open-ended, agenda-less conversation-starters put kids in the driver’s seat and allow the adult to be along for the ride.

Examples: “I noticed…” “I’m curious about…” “I’m wondering about…” 

And sometimes, the experts note, kids don’t want us to say much at all. “When a kid comes home and dumps their terrible day all over you, all you need to say is, “That really sucks. I’m so sorry.” You don’t have to fix it or solve the problem—you just have to listen and empathize with them. 99% of the time, it’s all they need to feel a little better.