4 Phrases a Therapist Wants You to Stop Saying to Your Oldest Child

I had heard about the seismic shift that occurs in a nuclear family when you introduce a second child, but I’d always chalked it up to parental lore meant to scare the next generation. As a second child myself, I don’t remember my older brother (by three years) grappling with my existence the same way my parents recount it—like asking the doctor to “put me back in.” But now as a parent with two kids, I see first-hand what psychiatrist Alfred Adler called “dethronement,” or the impact of the transition from exclusive attention to shared attention (spoiler alert: it’s tough). All that firstborn attention is now divided up, and it’s a very real change for the oldest child. In fact, Mary Ann Little, Ph.D.—the one who told me about dethronement—says that there is evidence that parents treat firstborn children differently: “Both theory and research demonstrate that parents treat first, middle, and last-born children differently, and those parental reactions have consequences—both good and not-so-good.” This is why Little recommends the concept of  “moderation parenting,” which she explains in greater length in her book Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children.The gist is that taking the middle ground is key—whether it applies to affection, limit setting, expectations or involvement. On that note, here are four phrases and attitudes that stray from the middle ground, and Dr. Little says to avoid—plus, what to say instead.

Mary Ann Little, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who has been in private practice for over four decades and serves as adjunct faculty at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center. Her latest book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children, has received critical acclaim as a parenting book. 

• The Problem: Parents risk having too high expectations and undermining self-confidence. 
• Examples: “Oh, you’re such a big boy. You can do that easily.”  “You’re such a big girl.  You shouldn’t cry over something so small.”  “You’re a big boy and big boys don’t get upset over little things.” “Sit up and act like a big girl.”

A theme you might hear from oldest siblings is parentification. Because they were the oldest kid, even if it’s just by a couple years, they were tasked with stepping in as mommy or daddy’s helper. And while it’s great to include your kids in real tasks, Little tells me that asking your child to become more capable than they are can undermine their developing self-concept and confidence. For example, asking a 6-year-old to wash and fold the laundry for the family would be setting expectations too high. “Phrases that emphasize precocious maturity and overly developed capability can undermine self-confidence. And while parents should encourage children to master difficult skills, demands must be based on age-appropriate skills.” shares Little.

What to Say Instead: “You’re getting better and better at telling me what you want.” “You can read so many words now.  Good job.” “Look. You’re making steady progress at learning math facts.”

• The Problem: Parents risk asking more from their child than they can realistically do for their age, setting them up for failure.
• Examples: “Stop hitting, you're teaching your sister it's OK to hit.” “You can't sit out of your dance recital! Your little brother will be so sad." "You ate all your broccoli! You're such a good example."

“Just because they are older does not ensure mastery. Children should not be asked to do things they are not yet able to succeed at. While children need to have demands placed on them and must experience the frustration that fuels mastery, unrealistic expectations interfere with the building of frustration tolerance and healthy development generally,” advises Dr. Little. Asking your child to “set an example” is another form of parental expectation placed on a kid who probably can hardly sit still themselves for 30 minutes in a restaurant let alone demonstrate the skill for their little sister. 

What to Say Instead: “I won’t let you hit your sister. I’m going to move you over here while I check on your sister, and then I will come back to check on you.” “Tell me why you don't want to be in your dance recital, because it seems like you've been enjoying class so much.” “You ate all your broccoli!”

• The Problem: When in relation to a skill or outcome, parents risk teaching their child that they are worthy because of their accomplishments.
• Examples: “You’re the best swimmer I have ever seen.” “No one is as good as you at reading. You’re a champ.” “You’re special.  Born to be a winner.” “Dad and I love winners.”

Don’t worry, you can (and should) still totally freak out over your 3-year-old’s thought-provoking finger painting that most certainly belongs in the MoMa. Dr. Little wants parents to understand the difference between parental joy and delight at childhood accomplishments vs. teaching children that they are valuable because they are the “best” or the “winner.” “This can undermine the needed security born of unconditional love. Children need to know that they are loved for who they are not because of their performance,” explains Dr. Little. Also, parents tend to offer bigger reactions to a firstborn’s accomplishments—whether it’s crawling, walking or hitting or a home run—because it’s their first time too. Overdoing it with the oldest child and tapering off with your younger kids can build resentment between siblings and also contribute to self-centeredness with the one receiving the most attention. 

What to Say Instead: “I love you because you’re you—not because you finished first.” “You are so important to me—when you win and when you lose, when you’re a pleasure and when you’re a pill.” 

• The Problem: Parents risk demanding too much of their oldest child and building resentment in the family.  
• Examples: “Sit here and take care of your sister. She’s too little to sit here alone.” “Help your brother find his pajamas. I can’t find them, and it’s late.” “Play with him a little longer in the bathtub. He likes you to be there.” 

If you’ve ever been to my house around bedtime, you would also be asking for any idle sets of hands to chip in—even if they belong to a 4-year-old. Problem is, Dr. Little notes, that parents often demand that oldest children take care of their siblings. And while it can build nurturing skills and promote maturation, it can also be overdone and undermine the development of healthy family dynamics. “Oldest children still need to be children and must not be burdened with the responsibilities of a parent, especially with respect to their siblings,” reminds Dr. Little. The important thing is not to set the expectation that the oldest child must care for their younger siblings. If they can and want to help, hurray. 

What to Say Instead: “Do you have time to help your brother with his homework?” “I would appreciate it if you would help your brother find his crayons. Is that something you can do today?” “Would you like to color with your brother now or maybe later?”