My Kid Changed Their Pronouns: 3 Parents on What It’s Like and How They Support Their Children

Experience: Child assigned female at birth and now identifies as non-binary

1. When and why did they begin using different pronouns?

They “officially” started right before they turned 7 in the second grade. The inciting incident occurred during a girls' tournament. They asked if they could still participate if they were not a girl, and we asked how they saw themself. They told us as a “they/them.” We asked if they wanted us to use these pronouns moving forward and they said yes.

2. Did they also change their name?

No.

3. How did you feel when they first started using different pronouns? And how was the experience of explaining this to others?

Our kids don’t tend to adhere to gender norms, so it wasn’t too surprising when our kiddo came out as nonbinary; we had wondered about it for a while. But it was still an adjustment and we experienced a spectrum of feelings. We felt incredibly proud of their strong sense of self. We felt lucky and thankful that they were comfortable sharing it with us. We also felt a sense of loss. I couldn't use the word daughter anymore and I had many warm, loving associations with that identity.

Explaining this change to others mostly differed by generation. Telling Gen Z people was easy and was met with acceptance. Not a big deal at all! Telling Millennials was a slightly mixed bag. Some people get it, some don’t. And telling grandparents necessitated a lot more work. There was a lot of educational footwork that had to be done, particularly explaining the difference between gender and sexuality.

4. What, if anything, do you think this means for your child's future?

There’s a part of me that worries about how this will be one more challenge for them as they get older, on top of being Asian and girl by birth. It feels like a triple whammy of hardships. But I am also so heartened. They know that they are accepted and supported for their true self, and I think this is so foundational for a healthy, happy, confident self. 

5. What's been the hardest or best thing about the process?

The absolute best is seeing how happy they are when they feel seen and when they see themselves reflected in others. When coming across nonbinary characters in books, movies and people IRL, our kid will light up, pump their fist in the air or do a happy dance. They love having this commonality with others.

However, it’s been surprising how often they get misgendered. By strangers yes, but also by people they know. It makes us realize what a binary world we live in. 

6. What's something you wish more parents knew about kids and gender identity?

In the beginning, some people would say things like, “they can change their mind down the road,” or “they might decide to be a girl again.” But I am really against thinking about this as a temporary stage that might come to pass. It feels dismissive of their identity in the moment, and I don’t want to inadvertently convey that I am rooting for one outcome or another. Our biggest lesson has been that kids know themselves best! 

Experience: Child assigned male at birth and now identifies as transgender

1. When and why did your child begin using different pronouns?

Right at their 4th birthday, my child started wanting to wear dresses and feminine clothes. I thought they wanted to wear femme clothing because of their older sister. But it soon became clear that my child truly thought of herself as a girl. She and I have a very close bond, and I was the only person she trusted, initially, to share her feelings with. We practiced her new pronouns as an experiment when we were alone together. I would call her “she” or “my sweet little girl” in private, and she would just light up with joy and happiness. We practiced this ritual every day for a few months before we brought it to her dad and older sister and officially changed her pronouns. Initially, we only did it at home, but it became very clear that it made her so happy, secure and recognized, so we soon changed her pronouns with everyone we knew.

2. Did she also change her name?

She picked a new name when she was about 5 years old, but we did not legally change it until she was 6. There was definitely some mourning, for me as the mom, of her lost birth name. I did not tell her about my grief or loss, but it was something for me, as the adult, to process. 

3. How was the experience of explaining this to others?

We sent a mass email to friends and family explaining the change, explaining some basics of gender identity and laying out our expectations that everyone who cared for her would do their best to make the change immediately. We included resources to learn about gender identity, trans kids and the research about why it is so important to support and validate trans kids for their best mental health outcomes.

One place we struggled most was with her preschool teachers. We would hear a lot of, “It’s just so hard because we’ve known HIM since birth!” And I would think, “Yeah, no kidding, I’ve also known this kid since *before birth* and have probably used their pronouns a million more times than anyone else has, yet I’m going to do this, I’m going to try my best and I know we’ll make mistakes.” Honestly, sometimes I think it helps people just to think of her as a little girl who was born with a penis.

4. What, if anything, do you think this means for your child's future?

I believe our child is a transgender female and my guess, because of her clarity, certainty and continuity is that is how she will continue to identify. She knows that she wants to grow up to be a woman. We know that we will continue to support her in whatever her identity, gender expression and even her name are throughout her life. We will do whatever she needs to feel strong, confident, loved, supported and healthy. 

5. What’s been the hardest or best thing about the process?

The hardest part has been trying not to imagine the worst-case scenarios. We know that trans kids have a significantly higher rate of suicide. We know that trans kids are bullied, abused, beaten and murdered. These are impossible things to contemplate for your child’s future. It can be overwhelming to think about all the struggles they may face and all the things that may be difficult or even dangerous for them. Where will they be safe to live life as themselves? We try not to think too far ahead.

The best thing has been seeing my child truly blossom. She knew who she was and she taught us all so much.

6. What’s something you wish more parents knew about kids and gender identity?

I wish there was simply more awareness about trans kids—they exist, they are kids like anyone else and they are easy to love and be proud of. Put up a sign or a flag of support in your yard or your business or your classroom. I wish more teachers felt safe teaching about gender identity and transgender people. We need more allies who are willing to be outspoken on these kids’ behalf.

Experience: Child assigned male at birth and now identifies as non-binary

1. When and why did your child begin using different pronouns?

In our family, we consider gender to be pretty fluid, and I actually changed my pronouns to “they/them” before my child did. (I now identify as trans-masculine.) Then, one day when my kid was about 6, the Hebrew school teacher asked what everyone’s pronouns were, and it was almost as if this was the first time anybody had ever asked them this question. They were like, “Oh, I’m that!”

We have a queer family, so at that point, we’d had many years of talking about this type of thing. Gender fluidity and people being non-binary were just facts my kids grew up with.

2. Did they also change their name?

No, although my child goes by a nickname rather than their full name, and I don’t know if that’s related to gender.

3. How did you feel when they first started using different pronouns? And how was the experience of explaining this to others?

I actually didn’t like it all initially, which for me, was probably internalized transphobia. And I found the issue of explaining it harder than you might think. First, there’s the dumb issue of grammar. I hate when people say, “I just wish there was a better word, it doesn’t make any sense.” Guess what: You just said, “Someone left their phone on the table.” It makes total sense! Then, there’s the issue of explaining or correcting it when people mis-gender my child, which happens a lot because they wear their hair in braids. We had a very confusing parent-teacher conference, in fact, where the entire time, the teacher used “she/her” instead of “they/them.” I really wish I had corrected that teacher more emphatically.

4. What, if anything, do you think this means for your child's future? 

I’m really curious to see what happens during puberty. They say they have no interest in turning into a man, but I also think they have no interest in turning into an adult.

5. What’s been the hardest or best thing about the process?

The hardest part has been realizing how much my own issues come into play. Having a non-binary kid, I’ve realized that I can’t just dump all my shit on them. I feel shame around not knowing how to talk to, say, teachers, but I also don’t want to be the trans person making a scene about trans issues. On the flip side, I like that there was no big coming out conversation and that our kids are so comfortable being who they are. That’s a gift of growing up in our household.

6. What’s something you wish more parents knew about kids and gender identity? 

I wish everyone just knew more about gender identity in general! It’s not about kids, it’s about humans. We have such a weird, made-up view of all this gender stuff, and anything you can do to free your kid from that is going to help everybody.