Love ’em or groan at ’em, dad jokes are a part of life. So I’d say one of the best ways to celebrate these special men is by sharing some hilarious (and true) Father’s Day quotes that show that even Ryan Reynolds, Stephen Colbert and Matt Damon are all trying to figure it out, too. Jot one down in a card, team it with an Apple watch/couch coaster/eye mask and send it to dad, grandpa or your husband. You can also save one of these funnies for June 16, and post on your Insta or Facebook to go with a photo of your favorite guy. (Just make sure Dad knows how to work those.)
94 Funny Father’s Day Quotes That Sum Him Up Better Than a Dad Joke
ray romano sums it up
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Published May 29, 2024
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1. “Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders.” — Ken Jennings
2. “12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda
3. “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” — David Frost
4. “Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano
5. “Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” — Chris Martin
6. “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” — Tim Russert
7. “Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.” — Jim Gaffigan
8. “I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable, I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask.” — Will Arnett
9. “By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” — Charles Wadsworth
10. “Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.” — Conan O’Brien
11. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” — Jerry Seinfeld
12. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” — Mark Twain
13. “There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’” — Jim Gaffigan
14. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” — Steve Martin
15. “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin Manuel Miranda
16. “Getting a burp out of your little thing when she needs it is probably the greatest satisfaction I've come across at this point in my life. It is truly one of life’s most satisfying moments.” — Brad Pitt
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17. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
18. “When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’” — Jerry Lewis
19. “I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At two years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane. It’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’” – Ryan Reynolds
20. “When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” — Dave Attell
21. “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.’” — Jim Gaffigan
22. “Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.” — Dave Barry
23. “My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.” — Bob Odenkirk
24. “My 4-year-old son gave me a hand made card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.” — Jim Gaffigan
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25. “How come my 3-year-old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my home phone number?” — Taye Diggs
26. “Even though I’m proud my dad invented the rear-view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.” — Stewart Francis
27. “On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.” — Ryan Reynolds
28. “I feel like the success of parenthood is feeling like I failed all day today, but I get to wake up tomorrow and do it again and hopefully they turn out to be a good human being.”— Justin Timberlake
29. “I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.” — Kevin Hart
30. “The most ridiculous thing I have heard myself say is, ‘Do you want your pop-pop, your banky, or your baba?’ Translation: 'Do you want your pacifier, your blanket or your bottle?’” — Taye Diggs
31. “When you first get them...you’re all excited, and you’re ready to do all these things. Then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet. It’s like a phone [that] won’t take pictures, and you're like ‘Why won’t my phone take pictures?!’ And it won’t make calls, and it doesn’t do a lot. But it looks really cute!”— Ashton Kutcher
32. “Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender without a lid.” — Jerry Seinfeld
33. “It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, he’s got four teeth like they care.” — Seth Meyers
34. “Never underestimate kids’ tenacity. Raising a child is like wrestling a small but relentless opponent.” — Stephen Colbert
35. “The first one, I almost became a doula. I was reading every book. I was ready. This one I haven’t done anything. I’m like, ‘Well, we didn’t break the first one.’” — Ashton Kutcher
36. “You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.” — Neil Patrick Harris
37. “Being a dad isn’t just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.” — Ryan Reynolds
38. Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien
39. “I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps.” — Jimmy Kimmel
40. “Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.” — Mike Myers
41. “The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you’re unqualified to do, and then you become qualified while doing it.” — John Green
42. “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” — Jim Gaffigan
43. “I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” — Andy Richter
44. “You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.” — Robin Williams
45. “For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye…get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need.” — Will Ferrell
46. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” — Ed Asner
47. “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.” — Mark Ruffalo
48. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” — Greg Kinnear
49. “Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything’s momma. What’s the dad song? ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone.’” — Chris Rock
50. “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” — Red Buttons
51. “Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” — Martin Mull
52. “My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me.” — Jimmy Valvano
53. “The worst part about being a parent is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.” — Rob Delaney
54. “Teenagers should be an affliction. Like, ‘Hey, Will, how you doing?’ ‘Man, I got teenagers. Simplex 2, man, Simplex 2.’ It takes everything you have to raise teenagers.” — Will Smith
55. “A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.” — Gabriel Garcia Marquez
56. “Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.” — Reed Markham
57. “Missing your child’s first walk proves you are a father.” — Stephen Colbert
58. “I have a lot of kids. I say a lot because I don’t know the real number.” — Jim Gaffigan
59. “I used to say ‘I would take a bullet for you, I could never love anything as much as I love you.’ I would say that to my wife, but the second I looked into that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield.” — Ryan Reynolds
60. “Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.” — Jimmy Fallon
61. “Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.” — Al Unser
62. “A good father is one whose only reason for putting down a laughing baby is to pick up a crying one.” — Linda Poindexter
63. “A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.” — Frank A. Clark
64. “I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week.” —Mario Cuomo
65. “A father’s words are like a thermostat that sets the temperature in the house.” — Paul Lewis
66. “I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” — Rita Rudner
67. “Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.” — Rodney Dangerfield
68. “We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother.’” — Erma Bombeck
69. “The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.” — Clarence Darrow
70. “Four-year-old: ‘Tell me a scary story!’ Me: ‘One time, little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.’ Four-year-old: ‘Why?’” — James Breakwell
71. “My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.” — Jeff Foxworthy
72. “I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.” — George W. Bush
73. “My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” — Spike Milligan
74. “I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.” — Dax Shepard
![father's day quotes: “The only way I can describe [fatherhood]—it sounds stupid, but—at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; It’s just full all the time.” — Matt Damon](https://publish.purewow.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/06/fathers-day-quotes-72_2.png?fit=728%2C921)
75. “The only way I can describe [fatherhood]—it sounds stupid, but—at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; It’s just full all the time.” — Matt Damon
76. “Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” — Anne Geddes
![father's day quotes: “I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now.” — Elton John](https://publish.purewow.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/06/fathers-day-quotes_79.png?fit=728%2C921)
77. “I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now.” — Elton John
78. “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” — Harry S. Truman
![father's day quotes: “I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know—as far as they are concerned anyway—‘cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool—especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance.” —Tim McGraw](https://publish.purewow.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/06/fathers-day-quotes_81.png?fit=728%2C921)
79. “I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know—as far as they are concerned anyway—‘cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool—especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance.” —Tim McGraw
80. “My sisters and I can still recite Dad’s grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1.” — Connie Schultz
81. “The nicest Father’s Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody threw away six months ago (without asking Dad) because they had reached the stage where they were 3 percent undershorts and 97 percent holes. Dad misses those undershorts. They were his Faithful Undershorts Companion.” —Dave Barry
82. “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” ― John Wilmot
83. “I hope I’m at least half the dad that he didn't have to be.” — Brad Paisley
84. “The best fathers have the softest, sweetest hearts. In other words, great dads are real marshmallows.” Richelle E. Goodrich, Slaying Dragons
85. “Everyone can be a father, but it takes a lot to be a dad.” — Wade Boggs
86. “He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” — Clarence B. Kelland
87. “Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventurers, storytellers, singers of songs.” — Pam Brown
88. “My father taught me to work hard, laugh often and keep my word.” — Michelle Obama
89. “I don’t have to prepare to be wrapped around my daughter’s finger. I have been wrapped around her little finger since the day she plopped out into this world.” — Ryan Reynolds
90. “I watch my daughter wanting to be like other kids and getting upset that she’s not. But I always try and instill in her the idea that she’s perfect as she is.” — Idris Elba
91. “Success, and even life itself, wouldn’t be worth anything if I didn’t have my children by my side. They mean everything to me.” — Jude Law
92. “It’s legitimately the greatest thing ever…It just makes me want to be better.” — Ashton Kutcher
![father's day quotes: “I think [parenthood] brings out the child in all of us. That’s what’s so beautiful. It reminds you of the fascination you had with things, and how you can spend hours just being with someone. It’s amazing.” — Chris Hemsworth](https://publish.purewow.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/06/fathers-day-quotes_95.png?fit=728%2C921)
93. “I think [parenthood] brings out the child in all of us. That’s what’s so beautiful. It reminds you of the fascination you had with things, and how you can spend hours just being with someone. It’s amazing.” — Chris Hemsworth
94. “My children’s happiness, their safety, and their well-being, is the most paramount thing in my life. You just want to protect them at all costs.” — John Krasinski
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