I’ve Got an Urge to Reach Out to an Ex—Is That Unfair to My Husband?

Let’s start with three facts. 1. Many years ago, I cheated on a boyfriend. 2. Before that happened, that same boyfriend cheated on me. 3. I’ve been married for half-a-decade to a great guy (not the same boyfriend) and I have never (ever) cheated on him.

But let’s go back to points number one and two. I think about that old boyfriend all the time, regretting the way we treated each other and wondering what he’s up to now and if there’s anything about our relationship that could be repaired. There was lots that was great about him, and we experienced many firsts together. Does he remember the time we made out in a rainstorm? Or the time I wrote a term paper for him so he’d pass sociology?

Despite my happy marriage, despite the years of distance between me and the ex—let’s call him Paul—I feel there’s unfinished business, and I’m jealous of my friends who have contact with their exes, commenting on each other’s pictures and sending each other baby gifts. Naturally, I’ve stalked the hell out of him online, and sometimes I even hover above his Facebook profile almost almost clicking “friend.” But then I stop myself. What would it mean for my marriage to do that? Would it be opening a can of worms that can’t be put back?

To help me make a decision, I checked in with two marriage and relationship therapists. Here’s what they had to say.

• Dené Logan, LMFT, is a therapist at Flowerhouse Therapy in Santa Monica, CA. She holds a Master's degree in Counseling Psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute and was a mentee to acclaimed couples therapist, Esther Perel. As a Marriage and Family Therapist with an orientation in Depth Psychology, Logan specializes in Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), and Brainspotting (BSP). 
• Lisa Brateman, LCSW is a psychotherapist, relationship specialist, and media commentator. In her midtown Manhattan private practice, she offers individual and couples therapy. As an internationally recognized expert in her field, Lisa is a frequent commentator for TV, radio, newspapers, and magazines and has appeared on CBS Evening News, WPIX-TV Evening News, NBC Evening News, Arise America-TV News, CCTV, Asia America Television, CTV. Analyzing the psychological impact of current events, Lisa demystifies human behavior and relationships.

Both of the experts I spoke with agreed that my impulse isn’t weird in the slightest. “The expectation that we can completely shut off all feelings for someone isn’t even physiologically reasonable to expect of ourselves,” says Logan. “We often care about this person deeply, wonder how they’re doing in their life, and what’s going on with their family. It doesn’t mean that your current relationship is a bad fit or that you don’t love them. It just means you’re human.” Brateman concurs, noting that there’s a natural curiosity about what your ex is now up to or what your life might have been like if you’d stayed together. The important thing, the therapists say, is to explore the “why” behind your desire.

Are you reaching out because you’re genuinely curious about your ex’s life? Because you think they’d get along with your spouse and make a good friend? Or is it because you’re seeking validation, want to prove something or want to do something illicit or forbidden? These are the questions the therapists want you to ask yourself before clicking “send.” Remember, says Brateman, “you may be giving your ex the impression you want something more…and you might be causing harm to all parties because you are merely curious. It is very possible that your ex doesn’t want to hear from you and reaching out could feel like an intrusion.”

Logan says you should reverse the situation and ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse were reaching out to their ex. Not great? Proceed with caution. Additionally, she thinks you’d need to be comfortable introducing the two if you do get back in touch. “I think it’s more than OK for people to continue to have relationships with a previous partner,” she says. “It’s just important to ask yourself why it would make you uncomfortable (if it does) for your current partner to hang out with the two of you.” Bratemen takes it a step further, maintaining that even the initial reach-out needs to be a joint marital discussion. “When you hide this information from your spouse, it creates secrets that will always cause harm.”

OK, so you sent the email and your ex wrote back…now what? Both of the therapists I spoke to warned against nebulous relationships, or getting into a situation without an exit strategy. “You will need to set boundaries on when and how you connect,” Brateman advises. “What you will do if things between you and your ex are causing pain in your current relationship.” Logan, meanwhile, thinks it’s important not to give an ex—who may be seeking romantic reconciliation—any false hope. In other words, if you open the lines of communication, what does that look like and how do you keep it PG? Meeting up for dinner with your spouses? A friendly email one or two times a year? If you’re looking for something more intimate (say, an ongoing text thread), that may be a red flag.

After talking to the experts, I looked long and hard at my own situation. What was my reasoning for wanting to be in touch with Paul? I certainly didn’t want to get back together with him. But if I really pushed myself, I knew it was because I wanted to prove to him how well I had done in my life, and make him feel somehow bad for the pain he had caused me. Probably not the best reason.

Next, how would my husband feel about me reaching out? On the surface, I think he’d be OK with it. But I don’t think he’s dying to be friends with this guy (he knows our backstory) and I also don’t think he’d feel great about me having a chip on my shoulder. Red flag #2.

Finally, what was my plan? I didn’t have one. But I was pretty sure it wasn’t to double date.

All of which is to say, I decided to put a pin in it. After all, Paul and I broke up for a reason. And besides, if he knows how to Google, he already knows how awesome I turned out.