Why Is TikTok Obsessing Over the Black Cat and Golden Retriever Dating Theory? Let Me, a Relationship Editor, Explain

I remember this moment like it was yesterday: My sister, 6 years old at the time, refused to get out of the car. It was a gorgeous blue-skied day at Cooper’s Beach in Southampton, and my parents were unpacking the Jeep with boogie boards and beach chairs. Jilly, who always preferred to be indoors, sat defiantly in her car seat with furrowed brows. “I’M NOT GOING,” she hissed when my dad tried to unclip her seatbelt. She elbowed him in the stomach with her chicken wing and slammed the door shut. “I swear to god—” my dad huffed in exasperation, “I can’t name another kid who treats a beach day like a punishment.” He wiped a layer of sweat from beneath his Ray Bans. “She’s a freaking black cat.” Herein lies the origin of my family’s nickname for my sister: black cat. 

See, Jilly (now 24 years old) would still prefer to be in bed playing Sims. I, on the other hand, am a tree-hugger who still collects starfish at the beach. This dichotomy is the perfect capture of our personalities. While I was vocal at a young age, able to articulate how I felt and what I needed, Jilly required a feelings chart to identify her emotions. People often use adjectives like “intimidating” and “mysterious” to describe their first impression of Jilly. Meanwhile, my feedback has typically been “outgoing” or “vocal” (I won most opinionated in my high school superlatives.) That withstanding, my sister is undoubtedly my best, best friend. She’s my grounding force when I’m spiraling out of control, and I’m her perspective when she can’t get out of her own way. Who do you think ultimately cajoled her out of the car at Cooper's? (I bribed her with chicken nuggets.)

So now, you can imagine the look on my face when I saw the uptick of Black Cat Golden Retriever videos on TikTok. The trend—which applies to everything from sibling dynamics to best friend dynamics to couples dynamics—is basically about the balancing act of yin and yang. So, since I’m a relationship editor, I’ll be focusing on how this theory applies to your dating life. Below, find a full breakdown of black cat and golden retriever couples. (Spoiler: It’s totally normal to be a black cat in one relationship and a golden retriever in another.)

True to its name, the black cat/golden retriever theory derives from stereotypes associated with each pet: the golden retriever represents a bubbly, energetic and loyal partner while the black cat embodies a more reserved, independent and enigmatic demeanor. In terms of dating, I’ve noticed that the more feminine partner assumes the role of black cat while the masculine tends to skew more golden retriever. And while there’s no clear origin of where this trend started, TikTok is eating it up with hundreds of couples videos that showcase the dynamic.

The short answer is that black cat/golden retriever pairings work because they model the idea that opposites attract. Psychologically speaking, this stems from The Theory of Complementarity: qualities of one person supplement or enhance the qualities of another person—and vice versa. Let’s use “Ben,” a guy I fell in love with after college, as an example. Ben was the personification of a black cat: he’d literally hiss if I tried coaxing him into an unfamiliar situation. (Think: Convincing him to accompany me to a bar with 15 college friends he’d never met.) He had a strong, sometimes stubborn, sense of self that made him fiercely independent—and he was borderline psychic when it came to snuffing out people’s true intentions. To that end, while Ben was wary of the outside world, I was the golden retriever who welcomed it. I gravitate towards new, exciting interactions and require a level of challenge and adventure to engage my brain. The catch-22 here is that I constantly feel overextended and exhausted after a long day of play (kind of like a puppy passing out after the dog park). 

In this case, you could say I struggled to slow down and ground myself while Ben had trouble opening up and letting people in. And this is why our dynamic worked (until it didn’t): When you combine Ben’s reservations with my sense of adventure, you get balance on both sides. It speaks to the root of this theory, where the black cat feels comfortable being unapologetically themselves and the golden retriever feels bound by others’ expectations and emotions. The black cat also wishes they could be more open to life, and the golden retriever is on a never-ending quest to get the most out of life. What one person brings to the table, the other lacks. (He ultimately ended the relationship outside of a club in Midtown, and I’ll never step foot on PHD rooftop again… that's another story.)

• You Enjoy Your Alone Time: Black cats find solace in solitude and require a fair amount of alone time to recharge their social battery. New interactions can also be draining, which is why you might prefer a quiet night in with your favorite hobby (see: niche interests). 
• You Hate Small Talk: For you, talking about the weather feels like death. Small talk is tedious and tiresome and you’d prefer deep, meaningful conversations instead of surface-level chatter​. If you can’t sink your teeth into a conversation—or build an authentic connection—you’d prefer to be home binging Netflix. 
• You Have Niche Interests: You genuinely enjoy your alone time because you have range of niche interests. Whether it’s a hobby or a new topic you want to understand, your interests are a significant part of your identity—they provide you with a sense of comfort and security. (My sister has a wall displayed with paint by numbers she completed in college.)
• You’re “Hard to Get” At First: People often use adjectives like “quiet” or “intimidating” or “mysterious” when they first meet you. This is because you only reveal your emotions to a select few—you’re cautious about who you let into your little world. For everyone else, you’re a puzzle to be solved. 
• You Remain Calm and Collected: In relationships, you often serve as the grounding force that provides stability and calm. Your partner probably relies on you for a sense of security and peace, especially when they’re in moments of crisis or chaos​.

• You Thrive in Social Settings: Golden retrievers have an innate knack for energizing whatever room they walk into. Your smile might feel contagious to others, often making you the life of the party. This is why you might look forward to new opportunities for socialization​—it charges your battery. 
• You're Warm and Affectionate: People often describe you as “warm” or “bubbly” or “outgoing,” since it’s easy for you to establish meaningful connections. You’re not afraid to share your feelings and wear your heart on your sleeve. You’re easy to talk to and you make people feel understood and appreciated in your presence. 
• You Live for Spontaneous Adventures: Because you love being out in the world, you’d enjoy nothing more than a last-minute trip to Bali or a dinner with friends that turns into a wild night out. When you’re surrounded by the people you care about, you feel like you’re on top of the world—there’s not a plan or party you’ll say no to. 
• You Need to Be Challenged: You have a nimble brain with wheels that are constantly in motion. Whether you’re drawing up a new business venture or outlining an idea for a novel, you like tackling big ideas. This is why you might feel flat or depressed when you’re stagnant; you require a certain level of challenge and reward in your vocation and relationships. 
• You’re the Ultimate Cheerleader: In relationships, you’re likely the partner who offers encouragement and support when it’s needed. You act as their biggest cheerleader with unwavering enthusiasm​ and an innate understanding of what they need emotionally. If your go-to response to a bad day is a big hug and a pep talk, you’re definitely in golden retriever territory​.

At this point, I have to mention that these characters are far from concrete. While I tend to exude golden retriever on the surface, my closest friends would dub me the black cat of our group. I love my alone time, I loathe small talk, and I have a slew of niche interests. Add to that the fact that I’ve assumed the black cat role in many dating dynamics. I’ve gone out with finance bros who think Jay McInerney is an economist they studied in college. When they learn McInerney is my favorite fiction author, I’m suddenly ~mysterious~. This, in turn, is why I believe “introverted cat” and “extroverted dog” are better in theory. In reality, people are more three-dimensional than the TikTok trend implies—and different partners may bring out different cat/retriever traits within you.