Married? Watch for This Body Language, Which Is a Total Red Flag

If you’re married, you know communication is everything—everyone from parents to your couples’ counselor has reiterated that to you time and again. But what if your words aren’t the problem? According to Dr. Terri Orbuch, PhD, a renowned relationship expert, “Miscommunication happens when the message you intend to send isn’t the same one your spouse receives. And when your words don’t match your body language? That’s when the real trouble starts.” Before the major communication breakdown, it’s essential to watch out for this body language red flag: avoiding eye contact. 

Dr. Terri Orbuch (PhD), is a world-renowned relationship expert, Distinguished Professor at Oakland University in Michigan. She is the director of a landmark study, funded by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), where she has been following the same couples for over three decades. She also trains matchmakers in the science of relationships so they can do their matchmaking more effectively.

Avoiding your partner’s gaze can speak volumes—and not in a good way. Dr. Orbuch explains, “Eye contact is a cornerstone of intimacy. It shows your partner, I see you, and you’re important to me. When it’s missing, it can feel like a disconnect, as if you’re emotionally checked out.” 

Eye contact is also kind of a fail-safe against miscommunication in a marriage. Miscommunication happens easily—one spouse receives a message that the other didn’t intend to send. This can happen when there’s a discrepancy between your words and your body language. Says Dr. Orbuch: “[studies] show that when there is a discrepancy between your words and your body language, the truth usually lies in your behaviors (body language). So, your body language reveals a lot to your spouse about what you may really feel and think.”

If you notice these signals in your relationship, don’t panic and run to  divorce court. Dr. Orbuch has some actionable advice.

1. Ask Questions: “If your spouse’s body language seems off, don’t assume you know what’s going on. Ask them directly. Say something like, ‘I’ve noticed you seem tense lately. Is something bothering you?’”
2. Use “I” Statements: Instead of pointing fingers (“You never look at me anymore!”), try, “I feel like we’ve been distant lately, and I’d like to reconnect.”
3. Be Consistent: Your own body language matters, too. If you tell your partner, “I love you,” but you’re glued to your phone, the message gets muddled. Instead, Dr. Orbuch suggests, “Step away from distractions and show them you’re present.”
4. Practice Active Listening: “Good communication requires someone who can speak clearly and someone who can really listen,” says Dr. Orbuch.

Here’s an Example

Let’s say you have been working at home all day by yourself (and enjoying it). Your spouse comes home unexpectedly. You greet your spouse with the verbal message, “Hi, honey. You’re home early! How was your day?” At the same time, however, you don’t move from your computer, you don’t smile or touch your spouse and your gaze flickers back to the “email-waiting” icon on your screen. Your words may say you’re happy to see your partner, but your body language and behaviors are sending a different message. They are saying: “I’m really busy right now. Why are you here?”

In this instance, shares Dr. Orbuch, the message you intend to send is not the same message your spouse receives. They will likely be upset or confused because they will assume you don’t really care about them. They may get angry and say, “You don’t care about me!” or “You always care about your work more than me. I thought you would be excited for me to come home early!” 

What to Do Instead

You: “Hi honey. I love you, but I’m totally swamped at the moment. Can we talk after I get my work done?” 

• Be consistent with your body language and your verbal communication. You want to greet your spouse with the verbal message, or you want to greet them with the same verbal greeting (“How was your day?”), but make sure you step away from your computer and have body language that’s consistent.

Spouse: “I know I’m home early honey, should I leave you alone to finish your work and we can talk later?”

• Instead of assuming you know the hidden meaning behind their message and risk misreading what is really important to them, ask a specific question in order to clarify what they are trying to convey (e.g. “Want to check in an hour?” or “You seem stressed—Would you like a tea while you work?”)

Eye contact may be the biggest giveaway, but it’s not the only one. Dr. Orbuch shares some other cues that might signal tension.

• Physical distance: “Too much space when you’re talking, walking or sitting together can indicate dissatisfaction.”
• Closed-off posture: “Crossing your arms in front of your body makes you seem unapproachable or defensive.”
• Lack of touch: “No hugging, hand-holding, or casual affection can be a red flag.”
• Tense expressions: “Frowning, furrowed brows, or clenched jaws all scream frustration or stress.”

At the end of the day, your body language can make or break how your partner feels understood. And if you’re feeling out of sync? Look them in the eye and start the conversation there—sometimes, that’s all it takes.