How to Explain Sex to Your Kid Without Anybody Feeling Mortified, According to a Sex Therapist

Per the expert, you can start talking about sex without talking about sex at all. “Everything relates to sex because we’re sexual beings,” she says. Um, my two-year-old is definitely not a sexual being yet, you’re thinking. But she will grow into one and the opportunity to address consent will arise well before any actual sex talk occurs. 

One example the expert gives (and that most parents are familiar with) relates to those moments when your young child isn’t in the mood to show physical affection to a family member. Like when Grandpa flew across the country and wants a big hug but your three-year-old is backing away. Well, that’s when you tell your child, that’s OK, you don’t have to give hugs when you don’t want to. “By entitling them to the province of their own bodies and even how we touch them, we really give them that message that their bodies belong to them,” explains Dr. Wise.

Let Them Guide the Conversation

When your children ask about sex, responding with "That’s a great question” not only buys you time to come up with a thoughtful answer, it also reinforces to them that they can talk to you about anything. The experts at Planned Parenthood advise lobbing the ball back into their court by asking, “Can you tell me what you already know about that?” You can then proceed to fill in the gaps in their knowledge without going into TMI territory.

Pediatricians and parenting experts alike advise teaching kids to call their body parts by their actual names (so ixnay on cutesy monikers like “pee pee” and “fanny”). When it comes to the question of how to explain sex to kids, it’s imperative that parents set a clear, straightforward, body-positive tone; after all, this stuff is totally normal and natural! There’s zero need for tiptoeing, shame or embarrassment—on their part or yours.

Have the Talk Early and Often

Whatever you do, don’t squeamishly avoid the topic until they’re eight or nine, or the media and their friends will have probably done your job for you and that’s the last thing you want. In fact, there’s never been a more critical time for parents to step up and start having open conversations about sex, says Dr. Wise, whilst stressing the importance of keeping kids away from social media as much as possible: “It’s toxic. Plain and simple. It’s f***ing up generations.” Personally, I have witnessed the hypersexualization of my nine-year-old due to her interaction with the media and I’m none too happy about it. (Psst: If you’re interested in learning more on that general subject, Dr. Wise recommends reading this book.)

Yep, the most reliable source of information is you. But it’s not as daunting a job as it seems. ”It's very easy to educate ourselves as parents to be the primary source of information, because sex truly affects every part of our lives. If we can keep having comfortable conversations or even uncomfortable conversations about sex as they get older, then they will know that we're askable parents and that we have them under our wings. And we want them to feel like they can come to us about anything instead of going to random sources on the internet where so much of the information is so bad,” says Dr. Wise.

Like everything else in parenting, consistency and repetition are essential. But how do you step into this role of go-to sex ed teacher, you ask?  Dr. Wise recommends that parents “take time to understand their own stuff, what tweaks them and what their own discomfort is about. If they can figure that out then they can get guidance about how to talk to (and listen to) their kids at every stage.”

As for where you can find that guidance on how to explain sex to kids, Dr. Wise strongly recommends this online sex education resource.

Indeed, your openness and willingness to listen without judgment will make all the difference as your child gets older: Kids ages 12 to 14 cite parents as primary influences when it comes to sexual decision making, but suffice it to say that years of work have been put into forming those perceptions. In other words, the sooner you start laying the groundwork for a safe, trusting relationship that encourages open communication about sex, the better. Read on, for an age-by-age guide.

Indeed, sex talks, like many aspects of parenting, revolve around being attuned to your child. For example, “very little kids up to kindergarten or first grade are most likely going to have questions that are elicited by what they're seeing. If they see a pregnant lady or a baby, they’ll wonder ‘how did it happen?’ And that’s when you can say, ‘Well, there was a sperm, there was an egg, there was a uterus. And then when there was a baby, somebody took care of them,’” says Dr. Wise. She also emphasizes the importance of letting your child take the lead. “Keep your responses so simple, but always ask them, ‘did that answer your question?’” If they say yes, then you’re done; if they have more questions, you keep the simple answers coming.

Later on, around age six or seven, kids can grasp a broad understanding of intercourse. If asked about it, you needn’t get too graphic, but remember this is your chance to present sex as a loving interaction, as well as the way babies are made. Kids too often get the impression that sex has nothing to do with emotions (exhibit A: the system of getting to “first,” “second” and “third” base). It’s on parents to empower them to take ownership of their bodies and their sexuality—not to disassociate from or devalue them.

And with that, we’re back to hugs. According to Dr. Wise, “a really good tool as a parent when having this conversation with a kid is to ask their understanding of what a hug is. You want them to be able to know that there are hugs that we can do that are very, very different than the kind of hugs that people do to make babies.” (Author’s note: I definitely introduced the concept of sex to my kids by calling it a very *special* kind of hug that’s only for adults who love each other.)

What to Do If You See Your Kid Masturbating

I actually wrote an article about the time I caught my child masturbating. You should read it (!) but the bottom line is that with younger kids, it’s not sexual in nature; “they’re simply discovering that when we touch ourselves it can feel very pleasurable and relaxing and soothing,” says Dr. Wise, adding that it’s a positive thing for children to learn that “their bodies are places of pleasure.” It’s about body positivity and if a conversation about it feels appropriate, the expert recommends emphasizing that your child has full permission to touch their body however they like in private, but other people don’t get that same permission to touch them.

Obviously, masturbation evolves into something more overtly sexual after puberty, but the most important thing is that you teach your children from an early age that this pleasure should be enjoyed in private. Once you’ve done that, you can just give a gentle reminder to a younger child or, you know, knock before you enter next time if you walked in on your teen. Ultimately, it’s about body positivity and consent.

What to Do If Your Kid Walks In On You Having Sex

This is most likely to happen with younger children who won’t understand what they’re seeing and might get the wrong impression (i.e., that something hurtful is happening). As such, Dr. Wise suggests that you stop what you’re doing (duh) and give your kid a simple, age-appropriate explanation to the effect of “mommy and daddy were showing how much we love each other in a way that only grown-ups do.” Once your child understands that it was a loving act, they might move on and forget about it. Or, they might have more questions, which you can answer in an age-appropriate manner with some help from the handy guide above.

How to Explain Sex to Kids, Summarized

The real takeaway is that talking about sex shouldn’t feel like confronting the boogeyman. It’s a perfectly normal and healthy thing that relates to almost everything in our lives. Start the conversation by responding to questions with gentle curiosity as they arise and let your child take the lead. That’s the easiest way to arrive at an age-appropriate approach to a discussion that’s so important and so needlessly stigmatized.