What to Text Your Partner After a Fight—Whether You Need Space or You’re Ready to Talk

No relationship is perfect, no matter how ready you are for one. Inevitably, conflicts will arise, and you’ll have your first big fight. But before you decide to take a relationship break, try to reconcile. Sure, it’s hard to break the silence, but it’s not a good idea to go to bed angry with each other either. But if you’re feeling not quite sure of how to get things started, here are 30 example texts to re-establish the line of communication. Ultimately, you want to resolve the conflict in person—too much nuance is lost over text. Los Angeles-based therapist Camille Tenerife says the best thing you can do going in is to “focus on understanding their perspective and validating their feelings. Remember, validation doesn’t mean you have to agree.”

Camille Tenerife is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles and the founder of Diversified Therapy. She specializes in career counseling and identity issues in the BIPOC community and multiracial relationships. Prior to opening her own practice, Tenerife worked as a therapist at Lyra Health and the Beverly Hills Therapy Group. She holds a masters degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California.

You’ve just had the *biggest* fight of your relationship, and now you’ve iced each other out. No matter how much you want to continue the silent treatment, it’s best to start talking, says the expert. You may not have been the instigator, but someone needs to raise the white flag and open a line of communication. Tenerife notes: “It’s easy to lose tone in important texts. I would recommend texting one another to arrange a time for a face-to-face conversation instead.” Consider taking a conciliatory approach, requesting a time (and a timeframe) where you can sit down together and talk in person.

What you can say:

• “Hey, I know we both need to cool off. How about we reconvene in the living room in two hours?”
• “Don’t want to go to bed mad at each other. Can we talk after lunch? Around 4?”
• “I think we both said things that hurt each other. Let’s take a 30-minute break and then talk about it?”
• “Raising the white flag. Don’t like fighting with you. I’ll be home at 7 and ready to talk about it if you are.”
• “Even though we left for work grumpy with each other, hope you have a great day. Let’s work this out when we get home.”
• “Hi—probably best if we don’t play the silent game with each other. Are you ready to talk about it?’

Do not panic; this is not the space Taylor Swift sings about in “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”. This is productive space. “I suggest avoiding starting the conversation when you’re not emotionally regulated,” Tenerife advises. “It’s crucial to approach it with the mindset of ‘I’m listening to understand’, not just to respond or argue.” If you think you might snap at your partner the moment they open their mouth, then yes, you need space. Just let them know so they understand that you have an intention of breaking your silence in a reasonable timeframe.

What you can say:

• “I’m going for a run to clear my head. Will be back in an hour ready to talk.”
• “I need some space. I’m going to my mom’s. Can we talk when I get back?”
• “Just wanted to let you know I don’t want to talk to anyone for the next two hours.”
• “Going out for a drive so I can think. Please don’t contact me, but I’ll be ready to address this when I get back after dinner.”
• “Our fight really upset me and I don’t think I’m in a good headspace right now. Please give me space, and I’ll text you this afternoon when I’m feeling ready to talk.”
• “Hey, I’m afraid that if we talk now I’ll say something I’ll regret, or won’t be fully present. Please don’t contact me. I need space and will text you at some point today when I’m ready.”

Also known as The Gottman Method, the “I” language focuses on sharing your emotions instead of placing blame. “For instance, saying ‘I felt hurt by what you said last night’ is more constructive than ‘You’re such a rude person, why would you say that!?’ It's also important to evaluate whether you’re ready to have a meaningful conversation with the goal of understanding your partner and finding a resolution, rather than just venting your frustrations or trying to make them feel bad,” Tenerife explains.

What you can say:

• “I feel frustrated when there’s an expectation that I’m always the one to clean up after we get home from work.”
• “I feel hurt when I am continually blamed for things out of my control.”
• “I feel scared when you yell at me every time we fight. I feel like we should work out our problems with a mediator.”
• “I feel sad when you ignore me after a disagreement.”
• “I feel like I’m not a priority when you frequently choose to go play video games with your friends on our designated date night.”
• “I feel annoyed when you are constantly 30 minutes late.”

In life, compromise rules, and more often than not, you won’t be 100 percent satisfied. But what’s most important is finding that happy medium where you and your partner can exist in harmony, even if you both need to bend a little bit. (The key here is both—if you’re making all the compromises, then something’s not right.)

What you can say:

• “I know you don’t think the house needs to be cleaned as regularly as I do. What if I took care of the daily cleaning, and you do a 2x/month deep clean?”
• “Can we make a pact that before we have a serious conversation, we text each other a head’s up? I don’t like being taken by surprise.”
• “I love spending time with you but want to also see my friends. What if we make every Saturday date night, and I promise to always leave that time open for you.”
• “Could we talk about our budget this weekend? I’d like to propose an allowance system that will help us to spend more freely without feeling like we need to check in with each other for every single purchase.”
• “I know you want to read Junior an extra bedtime story every night, and I love that you want to spend time with him. However, I notice that a later bedtime makes him extra grumpy in the mornings, and it’s hard for me to get him out the door. Can we limit extra bedtime stories to Fridays and Saturdays?”
• “It makes me feel forgotten when I don’t hear from you at least every other day. I’d really appreciate a check-in text at least three times a week.”

If you were the instigator of the argument, it’s time to come clean. No, it won’t be easy, but yes, you’ll feel better afterwards. And remember that an apology must nail the “RRA” rule to be effective: Repent (acknowledge that you were wrong), Reconcile (get on good terms with the person you hurt) and Atone (make it right).

What you can say:

• “I’m sorry I yelled and called you stupid. You aren’t, and I was reacting to emotions in the moment. Next time I feel like I’m going to lose control, I’m going to ask for five minutes to regroup.”
• “You were right—Junior was a little devil this morning because I let him stay up past his bedtime. I’m sorry I didn’t believe how hard it was for you. I like your idea. Let’s stick to extra bedtime stories on Fridays and Saturdays only.”
• “I’m sorry I got defensive about the budget. My parents never kept one and the idea of us having a budget made me feel like I was losing control. But you’re right, an allowance would make me feel more free. Let’s talk about how we’re establishing one.”
• “I’m sorry you thought I was ignoring you all week. I’m not a big texter, but if it’s important to you, I’m happy to communicate more frequently between dates.”
• “It wasn’t my intention for you to do more of the housework and I’m sorry you feel like the maid. I’ll start blocking off time in my week to contribute more to the household chores.”
• “I didn’t mean to spring that big convo about the argument we had the other night. Next time, I’ll text you a head’s up when I want to discuss something serious.”