Taking a Break in a Relationship: Expert Insights, Tips & Advice

Love is easy…said no one, ever. In fact, the typical relationship is filled with moments of inane bickering, financial stress, periodic jealousy and downright boredom. (Ever hear your husband drone on and on about that time in 2005 when he caught a huge trout?)

For most successful couples, there’s a compulsion to soldier on, bite the bullet and stick it out for better or worse. Or, there’s a fight or flight response: If it ain’t working, let’s split up. But is there a middle ground? Can taking a break in a relationship actually be the thing that saves it?

If your relationship has hit a crossroads, and you’re not certain whether you should part ways or keep on keeping on, a “break” (in the iconic parlance of Ross Gellar) is worth considering. I checked in with Jenna Birch, relationship expert and author of The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love, to learn more about when taking a break in a relationship works, when it doesn't and how to take one successfully. 

Jenna Birch is a former author, journalist and relationship coach and columnist who now works at a venture capital firm based in Silicon Valley. Her writing has appeared in Psychology Today, ELLE, Vogue and other publications, and she's the author of The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love.

Unlike a breakup, a break is an agreed-upon period of time that a couple takes away from their relationship in order to reassess their values both together and apart and come to a decision about whether or not they want to be together.

Says Birch, “Breaks should not be indefinite. If you choose to go on a break, set the date when you’ll come back together for a check-in. Anywhere between two and four weeks of no contact or very minimal contact is a good place to start, but it could be longer.”

And while some people may choose to explore casual dating while on a break (ever heard of a Rumspringa?), Birch maintains that the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. She tells me, “During this time, you’re not dating others. You should be dealing with your own challenges head-on, healing any personal wounds and assessing your partner’s place in your life, what they need from you and if you truly want to be in this relationship, period.” 

Per Birch, “A successful relationship break allows you to do a couple things. First and foremost, you can focus on the problem at hand without feeling the constant burden of a disappointed partner. (Some easily overwhelmed people feel crippled to handle their ‘life stuff’ when they feel they are constantly letting down the person they love.) Secondly, you’ll find out how much you really miss your significant other. If it’s been weeks, and you don’t miss them at all, or you’re more productive and happier without them, maybe it’s time to break up. On the flip side, if your partner’s absence suddenly makes you see all the ways they improve your life, you can return to the relationship with a renewed commitment to communicate, show your partner love and work toward balancing the partnership with all other obligations.” In essence, it helps you gain perspective.

It certainly can be, though there are some cons to taking a break (more on that below). As Birch mentioned above, a successful break can provide perspective on your relationship and can help you realize how much you cherish each other. This realization can, as Birch notes, lead to a refreshed commitment to one another.

I know what you're probably wondering: If my partner and I take a break, is it likely we'll get back together? Yes and no, say the numbers. On the one hand, a 2012 study out of Kansas State University concluded that 37 percent of cohabiting (but unmarried) couples have broken up and gotten back together. (The number dips to 23 percent when you look at married couples.) So that suggests there is hope for the “break and regroup” scenario. On the other hand, that same study found that folks who break up and get back together are less likely to report happiness down the road than those who had never broken up to begin with.

While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to the matter, there are instances where taking a break in a relationship is more likely to aid in your eventual reconciliation. “You should consider a break when you’ve lost perspective on the relationship, or something else is preventing you or your partner from giving the relationship the time and attention it deserves,” explains Birch.

She adds, “It’s tough, because partners expect to be prioritized. But it’s not always possible to prioritize your significant other in every day or every season of your life. It’s not that there’s a lack of love, but there is a lack of attention and care. Sometimes, you need to change your perspective in order to get a better view on what you have.” 

1. Something external, like a big move or a job change, has put pressures on the amount of energy you can give one another.
2. You’ve been together forever, especially if you first started dating at a very young age, and have gotten too comfortable. I know one couple who got together during freshman year of high school and had never been apart since. In their mid-20s, they decided to take a break. It’s not that they weren’t good together. It was simply inevitable that one or both of them became curious about what else was out there, and if their relationship was suited to adult life. (And good news: After the break, they came back together, decided to get married and now have an adorable daughter.)
3. One or both of you is experiencing extreme stress unrelated to the relationship. Think: a severe illness or a familial conflict. I spoke to one woman who asked for a break with her boyfriend after getting a breast cancer diagnosis, because she just didn’t have the headspace to manage both her treatment and a romantic life.

1. You can address the problem without feeling the burden of a disappointed partner. Time apart can allow you to process things without the pressure of your partner's expectations.
2. You’ll find out how much you really miss your significant other. (On the flip side, if it’s been weeks, and you don’t miss them at all, maybe it’s time to break up.)
3. A break can give you perspective and allow you to see all the ways your partner makes your life better.

1. You might feel really lonely. Especially if you've been together for a while and are used to cohabitating/sharing every aspect of your life with someone, a break can feel extremely isolating. (This is where friends, family and mental health professionals can help.)
2. You might not both feel the same way after the break. Things can get tricky if, after a time apart, one of you is desperate to get back together while the other has decided their heart isn't in it and relationship isn't right for them.
3. If one person asked for the break and the other reluctantly agreed, the latter might feel resentful that a break was even proposed in the first place. If one partner thinks everything is hunky dory and the other thinks you need space, awkward and hurtful feelings may arise.

The short answer is, there's no "right" amount of time for a break in a relationship; it depends on a ton of different factors unique to your situation. Some couples will gain the clarity they're after in a a week or two, while others may take multiple months to figure out how they want to proceed. The most important thing is that you and your partner clearly communicate what you're hoping to get out of a break and together figure out the length of time that's best for you.

Especially if you're not on the exact same page, this can be a tough conversation. First, choose a time to talk to your partner. Now, pick a location (a neutral coffee shop is always good) and come with your thoughts or journal entries ready to discuss. If the break has made you think you want to break up for good, be firm but compassionate; no kindness is ever done by perpetuating false hope.

But if you do want to come back together, show what you’ve learned and how you’re committed to making the relationship stronger. Per Birch, “When you end your break, let your person know how much you missed them, what they do for you that really adds value to your life and the little, specific things you know you can’t replicate. Be vulnerable and complimentary. Tell them all the ways you love them, and how you want to love them better in the future. Don’t expect anything in return—there’s always a chance they won’t feel the same way—but remember that self-disclosure often promotes closeness and intimacy.” In other words, honesty is key, and a healthy break should leave you with some sadness, no matter where you net out.

Just remember: A break is about each of you exploring what you need. If you tackle the above head-on and both come back at the end of it having missed the other one and seeing a path toward reconciliation, then that’s a sign that you should continue to try to make it work. And if you don’t, well, that’s informative too. Says Birch, “It should be a clarifying and rejuvenating experience. When you come back together, it should be with the intent of forming a stronger commitment if you both want the same things. But be willing to let go if your partner can’t give you what you want or if they do not return with more investment than when they left. After a break, you should feel like you accomplished a lot, emotionally and pragmatically.”

What do you hope to accomplish when you’re done? Do you want more of a commitment from your S.O.? Better communication? A chance to try living alone? A period of time to deal with a family crisis? It’s important to articulate what you’re hoping to get out of the break, so your partner can mull over the questions that need to be answered—and hopefully provide you with some of his or her own.

Before temporarily going your separate ways, it's important to come up with guidelines for the break. Are you going to go no contact, or will you still be communicating? Are you free to explore dates (or even just hook ups) with new people? Setting ground rules ensures that you're on the same page and hopefully makes it so neither of you will unintentionally further hurt the other because you weren't clear about what exactly a "break" means to you.

This is especially important for people with anxiety or abandonment issues, since it gives assurance that they’re not being ghosted and that they will have clear communication at some point in the future. Two to four weeks is usually a good timeline for your first check-in, depending on what you think you need. 

This may be difficult if your reasons for a break have to do with stress or illness, but to the best of your ability, provide yourself with as much self-care as you possibly can. Have you fallen into unhealthy habits? Missed a month of workouts? Need a facial or pedicure? Need to call your mom? Do it. Fill your life with positive activity so your primary focus is you and try your best not to dwell on your missing relationship, which may be uncomfortable, but isn’t necessarily bad. Stay busy, check things off your list, and allow yourself to organically recognize what makes you miss your partner the most. This will motivate you to bring more effort back to the relationship, should you choose to give it another go. 

This is one of those ground rules to set before the break. Maybe you both agree it's beneficial to stop talking for a certain period of time, or maybe you think meaningful, productive conversations can and should still happen while you're apart.

The decision to go on a break is not an easy one, and you're likely both hurting a whole lot. Give each other grace and remember all the reasons you love each other and have chosen to take a break versus breaking up altogether.

It might sound woo-woo, but by writing down how the break is going and what you’re feeling, you’ll be able to sum up your thoughts at the end of the trial separation. Are you totally devastated and missing your better half? Energized by seeing friends you typically don’t get to hang out with? Disappointed that you’re kicking ass at work but can’t tell your boyfriend about your wins? Write about it in your journal and, on the eve of your first meet-up with your partner, read back (or summarize) your entries. If you’re honest and take the activity seriously, you’ll end up with a lot of clarity that will help the two of you move forward.

The length of a break is dependent on a host of factors, but once you both feel enough time has passed to talk about how you've felt while apart, have an open and honest discussion about what the break was like and where you think your relationship is headed. Whether you both missed each other terribly and are ready to resume your relationship, or you've both felt less burdened and happier and choose to end things once and for all, a thorough discussion of your thoughts and feelings is necessary.

If you’re really hoping to make things work, counseling or therapy can enable you to work through your problems rather than avoid them. Sometimes an unbiased third party is just what a couple needs to provide an outsider's perspective on what's happening in your relationship.

As noted above, taking a break in a relationship can be a productive way to reignite your love for one another or a sign that a permanent break up is what's best, depending on your situation as a couple. There are a number of factors that will determine whether or not a break is right for you and your partner, and just as many factors that will determine whether your relationship is meant to carry on post-break. Follow the expert's tips above for having the most successful break possible and understand that while a break isn't always going to end with you coming back together stronger than ever, it can be a helpful tool for gaining perspective.