I’ve Been in a Situationship for 3+ Years—and I Have Zero Regrets

Three years ago, I had sex with “James" on our first date (there was a bottle of rosé wine and shots of Tito’s involved). We’ve been in a situationship ever since. We have great banter, fun dates and lots of sex. But we also have long spouts of silence, hot and cold consistency and way too many unanswered questions to count. I had had conflicting thoughts. On one hand, this guy was cool AF. On the other, he’s unavailable. I told myself I could either woman up and cut him off…or I could take this opportunity to see what casual dating was really all about. Obviously, I went with the latter. Here’s why, three years in, I don’t regret it one single bit.

When I started seeing James, I was 22 years old. I had a very narrow point of view when it came to dating. “Date to marry or not at all,” was my motto. So, when I dated someone, I was all in from the beginning. Forget forming a roster or a deep bench! So, if they weren’t stepping up to the plate 24/7, I would be furious. And when it ended, I’d be in pieces: “How dare you waste my time!” (Even if we’d just met, and it’d only been a month?!) I was stressing myself out, and for what? I was never going to end up with any of those guys in the long run, and I didn’t even want to; I just felt like I had to.

Being in a situationship has forced me to be more flexible, and way less stressed. For instance, before, I would’ve crashed out if we hadn’t been texting and calling each other all the time, but now I don’t question it or let it bother me. On the flip side, it just gives us something to talk about when we see each other.

The sporadic check-ins with James also give me the freedom to date other people. At the end of the day, I want to settle down with someone, so our situationship isn’t going to last forever. And it’s not cheating since we’re not together. In a way, he’s like my security blanket (someone I can have fun with while I’m not serious with anyone else). And I don’t have to worry about James going through my phone and losing his crap if he finds out I’m dating someone else. While he prefers not to know about other people I’m dating, he assumes I am because we’re not exclusive. So, I’ve learned to stop putting all my eggs in one basket, in fact, I’ve had two boyfriends during the course of our situationship. Why is that a positive? See, before I got into this situationship, I would not have seen that the ball was in my court. In other words, being in a situationship has allowed me to grow from being a secret damsel in distress to a secret hot girl.

Three years ago, the men I dated had all the power and totally controlled my emotions. But since I’ve embraced my situationship, I take advantage of doing what I want, and put myself first. And if I’m not feeling him, he loses access. Basically, I get to have my cake and eat it, too, and he gets to do the same (I’m not a hypocrite). If I meet someone who gives me everything I need along the way? I’ll definitely miss James, and thank him for the time we had. But at the end of the day, I have no regrets.