The One Phrase Every Girl Mom Needs to Have in Her Arsenal, According to an Expert

I know from personal experience that raising a confident girl is not the easiest thing to do. My 9-year-old daughter has already reached an age where carefree childhood things have started to fold to social and cultural norms. Am I pretty? Does he think I’m cute? I’m not cool if I don’t wear lipgloss and carry a phone…

As a parent, it’s a startling and not-so-happy shift to witness, but not an entirely unfamiliar one—namely because, in the recesses of my mind, I have memories of experiencing some version of all this myself. Needless to say, mothers who model strong, positive behaviors can really help impressionable girls find their voice and stay above the fray; but words, particularly when spoken at the right moment, hold a lot of power, too. 

So what exactly can mothers say to their daughters that will really help them navigate that whole growing-up-a-girl thing? With that question on my mind, I took all my musings to a pro, parenting expert Jennifer Kelman—a mental health provider on JustAnswer and a licensed clinical social worker with more than 30 years experience providing counseling for relationship, parenting, and children’s mental health issues—and asked what phrase girl moms can say to their daughters that will really make a difference.

Most of what I say to my tween daughter is met with eye rolls and groans, but when I asked Kelman if there’s anything I can say that would actually be well-received and impactful, she didn’t hesitate to provide a succinct response. Per the expert, the most meaningful phrase for girls to hear consistently and at almost any age is: “I’m proud of your strength and your values.”

Kelman explains that this affirmation is so important because “young women often struggle with self-esteem, feeling confident within themselves and knowing the power that they have.” As such, consistent reminders of “their inner strength and the values they walk around with are hugely important,” says Kelman, adding that “this is crucial for young girls, especially during adolescence when sometimes they give over parts of themselves in order to fit in.” (Just an aside, but I was so hellbent on getting my belly button pierced when I was 14 that I had a friend attempt to do it with a sewing needle heated over a candle. The piercing was not successful, and I’m glad for it…but I do still have a pinpoint-size tattoo to remind me of that wanting-to-fit-in feeling.)

So, should you be a walking, talking Hallmark card? Nope. The expert points out a significant caveat when it comes to using this phrase—namely that, “it is not good enough to do it where it would seem disingenuous, but only when your daughter has done something that truly highlights her strength and power.” Same goes for the values part of the phrase; it should be spoken in moments when you know your child has “navigated a difficult space at school, for example,  yet held true to the values you’ve given them and come out stronger as a result.”

In other words, don’t start blowing smoke up your daughter’s bum. Just pay attention and use this phrase in any and every situation that really warrants it, so you can give your girl the boost she needs to really build her own sense of self.