Middle school is a time when kids are going through a lot of changes—physically, socially and emotionally. It’s also a particularly challenging period for parents, since tweens seek more independence and it becomes harder to know what exactly they need from us. That said, both girls and boys start to feel the effects of societal pressures during their middle school years, and they still need good parenting to get through it (even if they’re unlikely to admit it).
Boys, in particular, can be tough to talk to about this all. (Ever tried to ask an 11-year-old boy how his day was?) I asked Dr. Sanam Hafeez, neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, to share her take on what parents can say to their middle school boys that will really make an impact. Her answer? Parents should consistently tell young men that talking about your feelings makes you strong, not weak.
Per the expert, it’s important to deliver this message consistently because “middle school boys often absorb societal messages that discourage emotional expression….[and] suppressing emotions can lead to stress, anxiety and difficulty forming healthy relationships.” It’s also a phrase that addresses other issues that crop up for boys during these years. “Many boys tie their self-worth to external validation, such as social status, sports performance, or material possessions,” Dr. Hafeez says. So by encouraging emotional expression, you are “teaching them intrinsic self-worth.”
Yet another benefit of finding ways to incorporate this phrase into the conversations is that it steers them away from the kind of peer pressure that might push them towards unkind or bullying behavior and “fosters empathy by teaching them to value integrity.” In other words, there’s a fine line between that Mr. Tough Guy bravado and, well, just being a jerk.
