Kids Love to Touch Their Private Parts—Here’s How to React Like the Cool, Calm Parent You Are

You’re riding the subway with a very tired tot in tow when you notice that said child has started “itching” a certain part of their anatomy. The public display of, er, self-affection is mortifying. Do you A) slap the kid’s hand away from the forbidden region B) freak out and yell, “what are you doing? Stop touching yourself!” or C) state in a calm and level tone that it’s best to explore private areas of the body in a private place. If you answered C, you’re on the right track. Still, it can be a pretty dicey discussion for parents to have with their young kids, which is why we tapped clinical psychologist Dr. Bethany Cook for a full rundown on how to react when you’re caught with your pants down (and your kid’s hand is down his). 

Parents should try to keep in mind that touching one’s private parts is a completely natural thing to do, whether it’s for pleasure or to keep oneself clean. It’s the former that tends to make parents feel uncomfortable, though. Per the expert, when you have these feelings of discomfort regarding your child’s self-exploration, it’s important to remember that “children are not sexual beings. They are simply curious detectives who may accidentally stumble upon the fact that touching themselves in certain ways produces pleasurable feelings.” And, well, there’s truly nothing wrong with that. 

Of course, no parent really wants their kid to be pleasuring themselves on the playground. (Awkward, much?) As such, your instinct might be to blurt out “don’t touch yourself!” but Dr. Cook tells us that’s not such a great idea. For starters, there’s no need to forbid natural behavior when you can adequately address the act in a healthy, positive way by teaching your kid boundaries. Plus, issuing a decree of this kind can actually backfire in a pretty big way—namely because it draws attention to the behavior and shames the child in one fell swoop. (More on why that’s a problem later.)

If you are the parent of a small kid, you’re probably already familiar with the ubiquitous boundary-testing phase, in which they intentionally engage in behaviors that make you squirm—so it should come as no surprise that the psychologist suggests playing it cool as a cuke when the behavior crops up at an inopportune time. “For young children, especially, drawing attention to it (negative or otherwise) may pique their curiosity more and cause the behaviors to spike,” says Dr. Cook. In other words, if you want Johnny to stop touching his junk during dinner with the in-laws, take a deep breath and don your best poker face, friends.

OK, so you don’t want to make a scene, but the behavior will still need to be discussed at some point. According to Dr. Cook, “Once your child heads to daycare or school, regardless of their age, you’ll need to have a conversation about when and where it’s ok to touch their private parts.” (Bedtime, no big deal; diddling during circle time, not so much.)

We touched on this already (pun intended) but shame is not a productive part of any conversation. Again, Dr. Cook emphasizes that “this exploration is innocent until a parent shames a child who has no reference for what the parent is talking about.” (You know, because it’s not a sexual behavior to them, despite your different frame of reference as an adult.)   Instead, “kindly show your child where they can go to do this,” says Dr. Cook, adding that home should ideally be experienced by kids as a safe place to learn and explore all kinds of things, genitals included. 

If the awkwardness of your child’s self-exploration still has you feeling a bit tongue-tied, Dr. Cook has some easy phrases you can pull out to get the point across in a constructive way.

• We need to keep our hands out of our pants when we’re in public.
• If you need to adjust or itch anything in your underwear it’s best to do it in private.
• It’s important to keep pants and/or underwear on in the house now that we’re getting older.
• I don’t mind if you touch yourself. That being said, it's really only appropriate for you to do in private.
• If you’re wanting to explore your body that’s fine. Do it in private please.

That said, she urges parents to neither yell nor whisper these statements, but rather “say them in a basic, matter of fact tone, as if you’re asking them to pass the salt.” Roger that.