The Deepest, Darkest Secrets of the Zodiac Signs, According to an Astrologer

You’re technically an adult, but you’re the zodiac’s baby when it comes to expressing your rage. And now that gorgeous tree ornament of an elephant wearing pants made of Swarovski crystals will be lost to posterity forever. Worst part: You can’t even remember why you were so mad in the first place.

When your friend lent you her cozy, drapey, luxurious wrap that probably cost hundreds of dollars, you immediately thought to your yourself, “Yeah, she’s not getting this back…” A lifetime of planning your outfits around never letting her see you wear it is totally worth it for an investment piece that you acquired for free.

Sitting on gossip ’til you die is your definition of hell. After all, if a secret doesn’t fall on someone else’s ears, is it really a secret at all? By your logic, it’s your job to telephone a secret just to keep it alive. You probably even keep a diversified mental Rolodex of Virgos and Scorpios on retainer to receive and contain all the tea-spilling damage you’ve created, simultaneously giving them way too much dirt on you, of course. But your motto remains: These lips were meant for talking.

She may have insisted—between sobs—that she and her boyfriend broke up mutually, but as soon as you saw tears roll down her cheeks, you were already on your way to call his boss with a litany of “client complaints” using a burner phone you just happen to have handy at all times. Hey, all is fair in love and war being a good friend.

You’re so into being the star of your own life that you’ll accept even negative attention. Sure, you’d prefer to be loved rather than hated, but if the choice is reality star villain or canceled, well, we’re not here to make friends anymore, are we? And if everyone decides to hold an intervention for your bad behavior? It hurts, but at least you feel seen, and you’ll show up for any spotlight.

Virgos, you’re a self-flagellating sort, it’s true. So that tiny little misdemeanor you committed as a child still informs all your present-day goody-goodyism, which is your own personal, eternal atonement. If only you believed in forgiveness as strongly as you do punishment. Just try to remember: It was gum.

You invented frenemies, Libra, because somewhere along the way in your quest to be loved by all, you found a few people you really can’t stand. Instead of simply accepting that not everyone is for you, you kept them around because you still want them to like you. So, now you’re besties, even though you get on each other’s nerves and compulsively call each other “sweetie” to cover up the sublimated rage. But we can all hear it, trust me, sweetie.

Go ahead welcome the new neighbors with a Jell-O mold and ask your pleasantries. But let’s be honest: You already know everything short of their social security numbers. You’ve gone deep in their digital footprint. In fact, you probably already have third-party confirmation and various corroborating evidence they didn’t even realize was out there. And you can’t say anything. Nor do you want to. That’s what makes your poker face so impeccable, and that’s why you never get caught.

More often than not, you Sagittarians are bankrolling your wild, carefree, adventurous life with semi-regular cash infusions from your parents or partners or friends or GoFundMe's or what-have-yous. Sure, some of you make bank—you are smart and ambitious, after all—but living large can mean living large paycheck to large paycheck. Good thing you’re the luckiest sign, so it always works out.

As a Capricorn, you’re known for your professional integrity, and your worst nightmare is feeling like a fraud. You usually conduct yourself with high ethics, so the one time you took a shortcut is really going to haunt you. You probably have a crisis PR team on standby. But let’s be honest, you know better than anyone, Cap, a 3.99 is no 4.00.

You go through a lot of phases, Aquarius (round-brush bangs, libertarianism, Hanson, etc.), and sometimes the most embarrassing perceptions end up sticking around. It’s not that you’re too arrogant to update your worldview; it’s that you hate being trapped by your past. After all, your two favorite things are the future and being right. So let’s just keep our fingers crossed that your quote in the student newspaper has been archived for good.

When you were half an hour late for dinner because you got caught up talking with a kindred stranger with an excellent dog tattoo, you blamed it on traffic. But in that moment, you believed it. In that moment, for you, it was actually true that traffic was bad. If anyone has the power to change reality, it’s a Pisces, but no one actually does, so better keep this superpower close to the chest. And actually—please don’t tell yourself you have a superpower, because you’ll actually believe it.

Kiki O'Keeffe is an astrology writer in Brooklyn. You can sign up for her newsletter, I don't believe in astrology, or follow her Twitter @alexkiki.