‘Negging’ is a new term (derived from the word negative) that describes a type of toxic behavior that almost everyone has encountered at some point in their life—be it from judgmental family members, mean girls at school or insensitive romantic partners. So, what is negging, exactly? The short answer is it’s any kind of communication that’s designed to put you down or make you feel insecure. There are different reasons why a person might come off as ‘negging,’ but it’s worth noting that, in more severe cases, this behavioral pattern is associated with emotional abuse, most likely from an individual with some not-so-pleasant narcissistic personality traits. Read on to learn everything you need to know about what negging is, how it can harm you and how to identify and respond to it when it’s happening.
What Is Negging? A Mental Health Expert Explains What It Is—And Why It Can Be Toxic to Your Relationship
Hint: It seems nice but feels bad
Meet the Expert
Jennifer Kelman is a mental health expert on JustAnswer, where she has provided online support to those in need since 2012. In addition to her work on JustAnswer, Kelman has been a licensed clinical social worker for more than 30 years and maintains a private practice specializing in relationships, parenting, and children’s mental health issues. She is also a children’s book author and has lectured extensively and appeared on news and television programs across the country.
What Is Negging?
According to Kelman, negging is a pretty broad term that can be used to describe the behavior of someone who’s, well, being negative. But it delves deeper than just the way a person might act if they’re in a bad mood, have had a crappy day or just aren’t feeling particularly peppy. “Negging in a relationship generally indicates a person who’s insecure with themselves and thus tries to bolster themselves by putting a person down,” says Kelman, adding that “the put-downs are not always done in the most obvious, direct ways.”
What Makes Negging Harmful?
The fact that negging involves subtle insults is hugely important—namely because this approach can be the most damaging. If someone were to walk up to you and call you ugly, you’d probably be like “OK, **** you. You’re rude.” Negging, on the other hand, is more insidious because it involves insults in disguise. Kelman illustrates this distinction with an example: “say you get dressed to the nines before a date with your boyfriend and you’re feeling great about yourself. When you walk out of the room, your partner says, ‘remember that dress you wore last week? You looked really good in that.’ And the result is that you’re left scratching your head and wondering if your partner was trying to tell you that you don’t look good in the outfit you’re currently wearing.”
Negging “keeps you guessing, and it is done with the intention of creating or maintaining an unhealthy power dynamic in a relationship.”
— Kelman
Indeed, negging is designed to plant seeds of doubt, insecurity and general confusion. You weren’t just insulted, right? Or were you? You might not be sure, but you’re sure that you don’t feel as good as you did a few minutes before. “Negging keeps you on your toes, it keeps you guessing, and it is done with the intention of creating or maintaining an unhealthy power dynamic in a relationship,” says Kelman. In other words, it’s a form of emotional abuse, closely associated with gaslighting, that can really warp your sense of self and knock your confidence, while compelling you to continue seeking the approval of your abuser. And yes, the perpetrator is the one with the insecurity issues, but if they have it their way, you’re going to feel as bad as they do, too. To that end, negging is a highly effective manipulation tactic that’s subtle enough to keep the abuser beyond reproach.
10 Signs of Negging
1. They Give Backhanded Compliments
Backhanded compliments are one of the hallmarks of negging. “Someone says something nice to you but attaches an insult to the compliment. And both things are true. You’re really getting a compliment, and at the same time, the other hand is coming in and smacking you right after it,” explains Kelman. What’s worse is that, even if the insult landed harder than the compliment, you’d be hard-pressed to get that person to cop to it. Instead, you’re likely to hear, I was just giving you a compliment, jeez!
Example:
- “Those jeans really elongate your stubby legs and make you look great!”
- “You really aced that test! I’m so proud of you for finally doing better than just average.”
- “Wow! You landed the job! That interview must’ve gone really well…I didn’t know you had it in you.”
2. They Compare You to Other People
People who engage in negging just love to make comparisons. Unfortunately, they’re never favorable ones. Instead, the comparisons are designed to highlight your flaws and make you feel embarrassed and inadequate. See below for examples—and be sure to take note of the similarity between backhanded compliments and insulting comparisons, because a lot of these negging indicators are very closely related.
Example:
- “Oh, you look great when you wear that kind of makeup! But have you seen so-and-so? I love the way she does it.”
- “These floors are dirty. I don’t understand why you don't have time to vacuum when [insert name of close friend] can take care of her kids and keep the house spotless.”
- “You’re trying to refresh your resume? You should really ask so-and-so for help. She’s a strong writer with an even stronger career.”
3. They Say Things Designed to Make You Doubt Yourself
Again, these things all bleed together, but one recurring theme when it comes to negging is self-doubt. The person responsible actively wants you to feel insecure. They’re likely motivated by insecurity, jealousy or both…and they definitely don’t want to see you enjoying some well-deserved confidence.
Example:
- “I’m surprised you’re going to apply for that internship. It seems like it would be too stressful for you…”
- “That gift you bought for so-and-so is just going to gather dust.”
- “I know you really wanted to [insert project] this year, but let’s be honest, you don’t have the follow through.”
4. They’re Dismissive of Your Ideas
We’re getting White Lotus vibes here. (Season one, am I right?) Basically, if someone close to you is shutting down, shrugging off or otherwise dismissing your ambitions—or even just your suggestions and ideas—you are likely experiencing some serious negging. That said, I’d be remiss not to mention that it’s OK for couples to have practical conversations that involve expressing doubt about decisions that impact both parties. Still, if you’re being consistently shut down or don’t feel heard at all, you can consider it a red flag.
Example:
- You: “Thanks for coming with me to a really authentic restaurant outside the resort.” Them: “Sure, it would’ve been a great idea, if not for the cab fare and lack of air conditioning.”
- “It’s really cute you want to start your own business, but there’s no way you’ll ever make money doing that.”
- “There’s no reason to go back to school and take on that commitment. I make enough money for both of us, so you can just relax.”
5. They’re Prone to One-Upmanship
You come home with some great news to share; some kind of accomplishment, big or small, that you’re really proud of. Alas, what you thought would be a happy celebration of your success story starts to feel a little bit like a pissing contest. It doesn’t matter if it’s your SO, your friend or your mom—if the person in question immediately shifts the direction of the conversation onto themselves and their own prior achievements, you’re likely dealing with negging. The effect? “All of a sudden, you went from feeling great about what you just achieved for yourself to being diminished and negative about your achievement,” explains Kelman. In other words, your healthy ego just got deflated by someone else’s unhealthy one.
Example:
- You: “This story I just wrote turned out really great and my editor said it’s performing so well!” Them: “That’s cool. I remember how excited I was when my work was published in Food and Wine and Saveur. I should really get back into writing again. I was so good at it.”
- “Oh, you’re going on a four-day business trip to Mallorca? I remember when I was working in PR for a Spanish company, and they wined and dined me across the country for a whole month. Want to see the pictures?”
6. They Ask Questions That Feel Like Insults
When it comes to negging and manipulation, insult questions are one of the most transparent transgressions. The idea here is that when the person doing the negging insults you with a question mark at the end, it’s relatively harmless. Just an innocent inquiry, right? A well-meaning conversation starter? Not quite.
Example:
- “Don’t you think that dress is a little too small?”
- “Do you really think you have the multi-tasking skills required for that kind of work?”
7. Their Idea of a Joke Is More Like a Diss
“Another telltale sign of negging is the subtle teasing putdown, because what they’re trying to do with that teasing is to get you to fall in line with how they want you to look or act,” says Kelman. If you call them out or say that your feelings were hurt, you’re sure to be met with something to the effect of “lighten up,” “it was just a joke” or “don’t be so sensitive.”
Keep in mind that teasing and ribbing can still be totally harmless and even healthy in some relationships. Kelman tells us that what sets negging apart is that “the teasing behavior is a manipulative one designed to exert dominance or power in a relationship,” whereas healthy teasing respects boundaries and doesn’t occur when the person on the receiving end isn’t laughing at the joke. Bottom line: If the jokester in question specializes in insult comedy—and you’re the primary target but don’t want to be—you should probably get tickets to a different show.
Example:
- “I’d never take Emma to a restaurant so fancy. The way she eats, you’d think she was raised in a barn!”
- “Oh, don’t expect Katy to understand this. She only went to a state school.”
8. They Insult You Directly but Call it “Constructive Criticism”
Per the expert, “in a loving relationship or friendship, there really is no constructive criticism that’s needed. Negging is often disguised as ‘constructive criticism,’ but most of the time the other person hasn’t asked for it, doesn’t want it and doesn’t need it.” And when you understand negging for what it really is (i.e., a way to assert power or dominance in a relationship) this makes perfect sense. Two people who consider themselves equal—peers, if you will—don’t take it upon themselves to dole out unsolicited criticism and then label it as constructive. That doesn’t mean you can’t confront your partner about issues—the difference is whether you're addressing a problem that affects your relationship...or if you're just nitpicking. (On the flip side, if this happens to you and your initial feeling is something along the lines of um, nobody asked you, then there’s a good chance that the oh-so-helpful person is actually just negging.)
Example:
- “If you just improved your organization and planning skills, these trips would go a lot smoother.”
- “You really need to work on your step count. You’re getting older and packing on the pounds. I’m just worried you’re not motivated enough to get active.”
9. They Minimize or Dismiss Your Feelings When You Confront Them
Perhaps the worst part of dealing with negging is that it’s so hard to effectively call out. In fact, that’s the very nature of the beast. This type of emotional and verbal abuse is so cleverly concealed with backhanded compliments, so-called jokes and the like that when you do confront the offending party, they don’t even have to admit any wrongdoing—and they likely won’t. According to Kelman, it’s very typical for people who engage in negging to “try to minimize and deflect, such that the behavior just continues.”
A person who is unintentionally negging will listen to your feelings from a place of kindness (i.e., “I’m so sorry that hurt your feelings. I won’t joke like that anymore”), whereas a toxic person has a conscious or unconscious desire to use this communication style as a means of gaining power and control. The latter type will likely dismiss your feelings, and possibly even gaslight you, when you acknowledge the harmful behavior.
Example:
- “God, you’re so insecure!”
- “Why are you so sensitive? It was just a joke!”
- “See, this is why I can’t talk to you about anything!”
10. They Play the Victim When You Call Them Out
Deflection and defensiveness are par for the course when it comes to a toxic person with a negging communication style, but it might really take you by surprise when they go one step further and turn the tables on you. In severe cases of negging where real emotional abuse is present, the individual will sometimes respond to being called out on their own bad behavior by spinning a story in which they are the victim. This only adds to the confusion and self-doubt that the real victim of negging is already experiencing.
Example:
- “No matter what I say, you always find some way to make me feel like such a bad person.”
- “It’s like I can’t say or do anything right with you.”
- “Maybe you just don’t like me, because I feel really judged right now.”
How to Respond to Negging
The truth is that anyone can be guilty of accidentally negging from time to time. (For the record, I tease my fiancé relentlessly about his absentmindedness, and he makes fun of me for being a languishing princess. We have fun with the jokes and still intend to get married.)
As such, it’s fair to say that this communication style is only problematic, abusive even, when it becomes a recurring habit, or if the person on the receiving end is really negatively affected by it. The best litmus test as to whether negging is a problem in your relationship is simply to tell the person how you feel when it happens. Or, as Kelman puts it, “always go for the direct response.” If they don’t adjust their behavior accordingly, then there’s a good chance they will keep doing that damage with little regard for your feelings. And that’s the biggest red flag of all.
The Bottom Line
Negging is, as it sounds, an inherently negative communication style that involves backhanded compliments or subtle insults that cause confusion, self-doubt and hurt to the person on the receiving end, yet are very hard to hold a person accountable for. If you’re experiencing this kind of treatment on a regular basis, it constitutes emotional abuse and you would be wise to rethink the relationship you have with the person responsible for the negging—assuming you’ve already confronted them with your feelings and seen no change, that is.
