8 Signs You're About to Have a Toxic Holiday Season (& How to Flip the Script)

1. You Have a Million People to Shop for & You’re Not a Millionaire

• What to Do: Think outside the box, gift-wise

Holiday shopping is pretty much always an expensive endeavor. But just because you might not be in the position to splurge on fancy presents for friends and family doesn’t mean you have to show up to the gift swap empty handed. There are quite a few zero- or low-cost options, from whipping up a batch of delicious holiday treats (I'm partial to no-bake sugar cookie truffles) or DIY-ing a gift like a hand-knit beanie or a photo album to offering free babysitting services for a night or making a small donation to a charity in their honor (for my friends in the tri-state area, here's a list of NYC charities to consider). It is, after all, the thought that counts.

2. You’re Diametrically Opposed to Your Family (on Pretty Much Every Issue)

• What to Do: Have conversation starters at the ready

Whether it’s a rant about the 2024 presidential election or deeply personal questions about when you and your spouse are going to give your parents grandchildren (what a weird way to put that), uncomfortable questions are an unfortunate hallmark of the holidays. And as much as I'd love to advise you to obliterate your distant cousin in a debate about immigration policy, a holiday gathering is not the time. So when Aunt Karen brings up her objections to a livable minimum wage, it’s best to have a few ‘I’m changing the subject right now’ questions locked and loaded. Here are five creative options I like to keep in my back pocket.

If diversions don't work, have an exit strategy at the ready. There’s a time and a place to engage in tough conversations with people who hold opposing views, but the Thanksgiving dinner table is not that place. For conversations you know aren’t going to go anywhere positive, think of a few let’s-shut-this-down statements to keep in your back pocket when Uncle Matt brings up his thoughts on the second amendment. Naiylah Warren, LMFT, a therapist and Clinical Content Manager at Real, told me back in 2022, to say something like, “I don’t see us seeing eye to eye, so let’s change the subject.” If all else fails, she says it’s totally fine to say, “I need some fresh air, I’ll be back soon” or “I need some solo time, I’ll see you later,” and excusing yourself from the room altogether.

3. You’re a Perfectionist (Even Though You *Know* Something Will Go Wrong)

• What to Do: Cut yourself some slack

Expectations are just premeditated resentments. That saying originated within 12-step programs, but it really applies quite broadly. Think about it: If you go into anything with sky-high expectations, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed. I'm not saying to go into the holidays believing that they’re going to suck, but try to remember that perfection isn’t the goal.

Rachael Todd, a burnout and spiritual coach and founder of Return to Flow, gave me simple but invaluable advice for perfectionists in a previous story: “Use your ideals as guides, not absolutes, and aim for 80 percent rather than 100 percent.” Your Thanksgiving dinner probably won’t resemble a Norman Rockwell painting, and that’s totally fine. As long as you spend the next month and a half surrounded by people you love, you’re golden. 

4. You’re an Introvert & There’s Way Too Much on Your Calendar

• What to Do: Set boundaries with your loved ones

Especially for introverts, the holidays can be mega-stressful. All those cocktail parties and cookie swaps and multi-course dinners? No thanks. To avoid burnout, work on setting boundaries with your friends and family. Remember to prioritize yourself and your sanity, and that it’s OK to say no from time to time. Maybe you go to your parents’ house for Christmas Eve dinner but politely decline their invite to open presents with your nieces and nephews the next morning.

“Sometimes people can feel rejected or uncared for when someone is setting a boundary with them,” clinical psychologist Kibby McMahon told me in 2021. “Make sure that person knows you care about them and you need more boundaries at the same time. Setting and respecting boundaries is a normal part of any healthy relationship, so make sure you communicate what they mean to you while you are asking for them to change their behavior.”An important part of self-care is knowing your own boundaries and respecting them.

5. It's Your First Holiday Since Losing a Loved One

• What to Do: Lean on your support system

Grief sucks pretty much all the time, but it can be extra painful around the holidays, a time that's normally filled with fun, friends, family and love. Jenny Schreiber, clinical director of Experience Camps, a national non-profit organization that provides camps for children who have experienced the death of a loved one, previously told Executive Editor Alexia Dellner that the support of friends and family is crucial when it comes to navigating this tough time. “Talk with your family or friends about how to make the day manageable and, even, meaningful,” Schreiber says. Remember: People want to help (they probably just don’t know how). Call your bestie when you need a shoulder to cry on or ask guests to bring dinner over this year. “If children are involved, it is especially important to include them in the conversations so that their thoughts and feelings are respected and validated.” Read more of her tips for navigating the holidays while grieving here.

6. You’re Sober/Sober Curious & It Seems Like Everything Revolves Around Drinking

• What to Do: Have sober strategies in place

‘Tis the season for spiked eggnog and mulled wine and festive punch bowls. If you’re sober—or even just trying to imbibe less—this can cause a ton of added stress. You don’t want to be a buzzkill, but you also want to stay true to your goals and what you need to be healthy and happy. Having a plan in place will provide you with some peace of mind as you embark on holiday festivities. This plan should help you avoid any potential triggers and can include attending a meeting amidst the craziness of holiday parties, ensuring your sponsor or other support system is available to be on-call should you need them or feeling empowered to remove yourself from a situation if it’s beginning to feel like too much. For more tips, check out this helpful list by the folks at the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.

7. You Struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder

• What to Do: Take preventative steps to combat bad feelings

Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, is a type of depression that’s triggered by the change in seasons, and per the American Psychiatric Association, it affects roughly 5 percent of U.S. adults. And yes, even if your holidays are jam-packed with festive, upbeat activities, you can still feel sad, lonely and tired. If you're prone to feelings of depression when it's cold and dark out, it's smart to arm yourself with psychologist-approved tips for coping. A few years ago, I spoke to Barbara Nosal, PhD, chief clinical officer at Newport Academy, who shared a number of tips with me, from opening your blinds first thing in the morning to reap the benefits of natural light to making sure to keep doing the things you love, even if you don't feel like getting off the couch. Spending time with friends or keeping up with hobbies, per Nosal, fills "an intellectual, creative or social need, as well as builds self-esteem and self-confidence—bolstering against or lowering the intensity of SAD symptoms.” Read more of her advice here.

8. The Endless Barrage of Bad News Is Making It Hard to Get into the Spirit

• What to Do: Be mindful about how you're using your phone

We all doomscroll from time to time, I get that. But after a while, endlessly reading through bad news can wreak havoc on your mental health (trust me, I talked to neuropsychologist Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D, about what happens to your brain when you doomscroll a few weeks ago). If you're finding it hard to push negative images out of your mind for long enough to enjoy the lighting of the menorah, you might want to reevaluate your social media use. In the long term, ongoing exposure to stressful content can have more long-standing effects, from chronic anxiety to mood swings. “If you’ve been using your phone to keep tabs on the news, checking in with friends or following celebrities on social media, taking a break can help your body to recover and get into a better mental place,” Hafeez says. Especially around the holidays, when you want to be as present with your friends and family as possible, taking a step back and knowing when to put your phone (or the TV remote) down can help you live in the moment.