Relationship FOMO Is Real. Here's How to Deal When Everyone Around You Is Coupled Up

You love your friends, you really do. But if all of them are in relationships and you’re not, it can be hard not to feel like the odd (wo)man out. If you’ve ever felt some type of way about being the token single friend, you might be experiencing relationship FOMO, a phenomenon that’s similar to milestone FOMO, which psychiatrist Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, explained to me a couple years ago: “Milestone FOMO describes the experience of feeling like you are behind or inadequate compared to your peers who are accomplishing milestones that you have not yet achieved. For example, if starting a family is important to you, you might experience this during the holidays when you are around your siblings who all have children, but you do not yet.”

In comparison, you might feel stuck or behind, somehow. If you’ve ever felt this way, there’s good news: There are ways to keep relationship FOMO from getting you down. I recently spoke to Octave therapist Leigh Hall, LMFT, for advice.

Leigh Hall, LMFT, is a clinician based out of Octave’s clinic in Southern California. As a clinician, she focuses on using mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral techniques to help her clients reach their goals and learn to cope in healthy ways. 

First of all, let me be clear that it’s OK to feel some sadness if you’re single and everyone around you seems to be in relationships—that doesn’t negate that you’re genuinely happy for their happiness. Hall says, “It is completely normal to feel envious of friends and family members who are in relationships when you're single, or to feel moments of sadness for yourself while also being happy for your coupled-up loved ones.” She explains that envy can be an uncomfortable emotion, but it's one that reminds us of what we value, and of what our hopes and dreams are. “Similarly, sadness alerts us to the fact that we may be missing something and can motivate us to seek comfort and support.”

So, what are some expert-approved tips for dealing with these feelings?

Reflect on, and Write Down, All of the Reasons That It Can Be Great to Be Single

In addition to having more time to focus on hobbies, other relationships and self-care, Hall shares that there are all kinds of other, smaller, day-to-day benefits of not being in a relationship, including no nightly fighting for blankets in bed or being kept awake by someone’s snoring, no bickering over who decides where to go for dinner, no arguments over how to load the dishwasher (“Trust me, as a therapist, I hear about this one a lot,” she quips). “Reflecting is a great tool because it helps you get clarity on what you need and desire. By writing down the benefits, you can focus on the positive aspects, which will in turn help you feel more content about where you are.”

Plan Events with Other Singles

“Look for activities that can be done in groups and might be more interactive (game nights/cooking parties), as opposed to going out for dinner or drinks with a couple,” Hall tells me, adding that spending time with other singles will help you celebrate your independence and take the pressure off so you can enjoy yourself. (If you don’t have a lot of single friends, she recommends using social media platforms like Meetup.)

Consider Setting Boundaries and Using Assertive Communication, If Needed

Every time you and your old roommate hang out with her husband, they’re lovey-dovey to the max. It was cute at first, but now it just feels kind of alienating. It’s OK, Hall tells me, to voice how their actions are making you feel. “If you're with a couple who continually engages in PDA or whispered conversations between themselves, explain that you feel uncomfortable and gently ask them to be more mindful of their behaviors,” she says.

In Moments of Intense Emotion, Use Mindful Self-Compassion

Here’s what Hall suggests. Try placing a hand over your heart, or crossing your arms and giving yourself a gentle squeeze, then:

• Acknowledge that this is JUST a moment of pain—think or say to yourself, “I'm feeling lonely,” or “I'm experiencing envy/sadness.”
• Recognize that you are not alone. Even if all of your closest friends are in relationships, there are millions of other single adults out there. 
• Take a moment to wish yourself happiness and fulfillment. Say something to yourself like, “May you have peace,” or May you be free from suffering.”

Again, it’s only human to occasionally feel left out, envious or otherwise down if you’re single and everyone around you has a partner, but with the right tools (like those listed above), you can better prepare yourself to handle those not-so-happy thoughts.