33 Questions to Ask Your Partner Instead of the Dreaded ‘How Was Your Day?’

It’s a basic, boring question—and one said on repeat to your partner each time you reconnect after a long day: “How was your day?” The response is usually, “Fine. Yours?” Then, “Fine.” And just like that, a question that’s meant to be an open-ended conversation starter becomes an intimacy dead end. So, how do you make catching up with each other more meaningful and relationship-affirming? To begin, you’re going to want to reframe your original question. Here’s why.

According to The Science of People, the “how was your day?” trap begins when this question becomes a logistical check-in as opposed to a chance to glean deeper details about your partner’s experience (who they are and how they’re changing as they navigate their life). Unless you pepper in a series of follow-ups, it almost always warrants a vague response or one-word answer.

The solution? Specificity. You want to choose a question that will force your partner to say something deeper or—at the very least—solicit more details from them about their emotional experience. The following questions are alternatives to the dreaded “how was your day?” and ones that encourage a combination of specificity, but more importantly vulnerability and openness.

• If your day turned into a movie, who would you cast?
• Will you remember any specific part of your day a year from now? Five years? How come?
• Did anything surprise you today?
• Did you read/listen to anything interesting today?
• Did you take any photos today? What of?
• Was there any juicy office gossip from today?

• What do you wish you did more of today?
• What do you wish you did less of today?
• If you could guarantee one thing for tomorrow, what would it be?
• Did anything make you feel frustrated today?
• What are you most grateful for about your day?
• When did you feel appreciated today?
• What inspired you the most today?
• If you could do any part of today over again, what would it be and why?

• What made you laugh today?
• Did you receive any good news today?
• What was the best conversation you had today?
• Tell me three good things that happened to you today.
• What was the best part of your day?

• How many cups of coffee did you have today?
• What did you have for lunch today?
• What is something you did today that you’d love to do every day?
• Did you do something kind for anyone today?

Whether you’re reconnecting in-person to catch up about each other’s days or simply checking in over text, adding a flirty tone to the questions can make it that much more fun to respond. It’s also a great way for you both to take your mind off any stressors bubbling up from the day. Some sample questions to ask? Read on.

• Aren’t you going to ask me about my day?
• How many times did you think about me today?
• How easily could I convince you to call in sick tomorrow and spend the day with me?
• Are you totally drained from your day or do you still have energy for me?
• What have you missed most about me today?
• Hey honey, are you having the most amazing day?
• How many times did you think about me today?
• What’s your ideal after-work plan, just me and you?
• Do you miss me? I miss you!
• You looked so cute going to work today. Send a selfie?

A little flirting goes a long way towards keeping a relationship fresh and loving. That said, there’s a time and a place for everything and flirty questions are most effective under certain circumstances. Of course, you know your partner best, but from my experience the best time to use flirty questions is when you’re having a casual text exchange, as they can really serve as a pick-me-up, say, if your partner’s work day is dragging on. I also find flirty questions very effective when I’m unwinding with my partner in the evening and trying to set a romantic tone. Date night is also an obvious time to flirt, but one or two over a regular weeknight dinner can really spice things up, too. After all, sharing a meal with someone is an intimate thing to begin with, so the flirty questions should be pretty easy to work into conversation.

The sample questions I provided above are a good place to start when you’re looking to keep conversation fresh in a long term or evolving relationship. Still, you can surely come up with plenty of your own if you know the key to success: be specific. Questions like ‘how was your day?’ are so ineffective because they can be met with one word answers, so it’s best to really draw on detail you already know about your partner’s work/school/family life to spark conversation that really gets them talking (and connecting). For example, my partner is an after school teacher and he’s told me the names of some of his students, so when I ask about his work day, I inquire about them individually (i.e., how did Johnny behave today? Did Lucy learn anything new? What were the highlights of your lesson plan?)

That said, it’s important to note that asking the right questions—the kind that encourage open sharing and spark lively conversation—is just the first step. It’s crucial that you ask such questions when you are in a place to listen actively. In other words, you should be listening intently (no eyes glazing over) and taking the opportunity to ask follow-up questions that will keep both you and your partner engaged. Finally, variety is the spice of life, so mix things up a little so the subject matter of your inquiries doesn’t start to feel too routine.