The One Phrase You Should Never Use When Breaking Up with Someone—And What to Say Instead

The date is boring, the chemistry is missing and you’re daydreaming about fixing your smelly washing machine instead of how your date’s toothbrush would like next to yours. Yep, you’ve come to the point where you need to break up with someone. Here comes the default text: “I just don’t have time for a relationship right now.” BZZZZZZZZZ. Whether your relationship is two weeks old or you’ve been going on six months, the lie detector has gone off—and they know it, too. Below, I’ve chatted with two relationship experts about why this is the worst phrase to use when breaking up someone and what to say instead. 

• Lindsay Tran is “The Real Love Alchemist,” a dating coach and breakup mentor specializing in helping her clients go from bad relationships to real love using subconscious healing modalities. Through her personal experience and energy work, she helps her clients break toxic relationship cycles and create their dream relationships.
• Shan Boodram is a certified sex educator and intimacy expert with a M.S. in Psychology. Boodram is Bumble’s sex and relationships expert, the host of The Marriage Pact on The Roku Channel, the host of the top podcast Lovers and Friends the workshop facilitator on Netflix's Too Hot to Handle, and the author of the best-selling book The Game of Desire. She is a member of the American Sexual Health Association and is based in Los Angeles.

Saying you don’t have time for a relationship when you’re actively dating…cop out! Plus, it leaves the door open for potential future communication—which isn’t what you want. You just want to wiggle out without confrontation or making someone feel bad, whether it’s because that makes you, in turn, feel guilty, or because you’re just conflict avoidant. But there’s no need to panic—those are all natural and valid responses.

“Wanting to spare someone the pain of romantic rejection is completely understandable if we’ve experienced that pain ourselves at some point,” Tran tells me. “However, as good as our intentions may be, not being honest about our feelings isn’t always the kindest thing to do.”

According to Bumble’s research, vagueness is a turnoff, with about 64 percent of female respondents saying they’re prioritizing emotional clarity and setting confident boundaries. “These attempts at a softer rejection send mixed signals and leave the other person confused or holding onto false hope for future contact when time could permit,” Boodram adds. In other words: Transparent dating is in. No one wants the uncertainty of feeling tied to someone they’re interested in without a clue of when they’ll be ready or not. If you don’t want to hang around hoping someone changes their mind, don’t do it to someone else.

If people want all your cards on the table, how do you communicate that you’re just not that into them without ruffling feathers? Tran and Boodram recommend the following examples, with the latter explaining: “These phrases establish boundaries while acknowledging the other person’s effort, creating a sense of closure without leaving room for ambiguity. By being clear with who you went on a date with that you’re not interested in pursuing further, you’re not just being kind to the other person—you’re also modeling the respect and honesty you’d want to receive in return.”

• “I enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think we’re a match romantically. Wishing you all the best.”
• “I had a great time, but I didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for. I hope you find what you’re looking for!”
• “Thanks for meeting up, but I realized we’re not on the same page about what we’re looking for. I really appreciate your time.”
• “It’s been great getting to know you but I’m not feeling the connection I’m looking for. I wish you all the best.”
• “I think you’re an amazing person but I’m not feeling a romantic connection.”

It can feel scary to be direct, but, according to Tran, you have to remember that if someone’s offended by your (polite) honesty, it’s a “it’s not me, it’s you” situation.

“If someone responds negatively to your honesty, that’s their lack of emotional maturity, you’ve done nothing wrong,” she says. “You can walk away knowing you did the kindest thing possible in this case, which is giving someone the truth. Don’t hesitate to use the block button if someone is lashing out at you.”

Cheers to transparent dating—and finding the person you actually want to hang out with.