My Boyfriend Expects Me to Be a Good Cook, But I Refuse to Learn—Here's Why

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I remember thinking, “Finally, a guy who’s going to give me the princess treatment (besides my dad)!” Less than 72 hours after our first date, he asked me on a second one and sent me flowers with a note to seal the deal: “I hope these make you smile because that’s what I do when I think of you.” Little did I know he had no intention of keeping up the chivalry once he discovered I couldn’t do the one thing he was taught that women should always do: Cook. But do I blame him for expecting me to be in the kitchen? No. I blame his parents. But I know that might sound harsh, so allow me to explain.

Growing up, I was taught that a guy should treat you like a queen (otherwise, he’s probably not that into you). And when I say treat you like a queen, I mean he should accept and love you for who you are. In other words, I was taught that women are the prize, not in a cringy way that minimizes us to an object they must win over, but more like it’s a privilege to be with us, no matter what our flaws are. That said, after a wonderful honeymoon phase, my boyfriend became obsessed with the fact that I don’t—or more like can't—cook. Like, I'm so bad, I leave the stove for five minutes, and everything is burnt. I never hid this from my boyfriend, however. He knew from the beginning when I attempted to make us omelets (one of the few dishes I don’t totally F up). He said it was “edible” and gave me a pat on the back for trying. I took that as a slam dunk, because at least I didn’t burn it! Needless to say, as time went on, he would complain that I was never in the kitchen, even though he was totally capable of cooking a nice meal for us or himself. “It would be nice to have a meal when I come over,” he would say. “This isn’t what I’m used to—my mom wouldn’t believe the type of treatment I get when I’m here.”

So, what did I do? I tried to step up the cooking to make him happy. I know; I hated myself for it, too. When that was an epic failure, and he grudgingly accepted that cooking might not be in the cards for me, he started to question what I bring to the table. I thought, cocky much? Where is this all coming from? It’s 2024! A way to a man’s heart can’t just be through his stomach anymore...right? Well, I got my answer after he told me about his family dynamics.

While my mom didn't teach me how to cook for a man, he grew up with women cooking for him (from his mom to his aunt and grandma). So, he hasn't been shy about telling me his expectations, which were really his family's. “I want someone who cooks, cleans and cares for the family, ” he said. He also told me the women in his family were caregivers and nurturers. However, my interpretation was that they were at the mercy of their men, and was I going to get on board or not? I started to wonder: did he know me at all?

I’m a terrible cook! I’m not the most nurturing person in the world. I have high expectations (um, thanks dad). The one “traditional” thing I do, though? I clean, and TBH, I feel like that's the most important thing of all, but does he? Nope. Either I’m in the kitchen, or I’m less of a woman. Thankfully, Uber Eats exists.

Even though my boyfriend still chastises me for not cooking (among other traditional "womanly" duties), I have absolutely NO intention of becoming a knock-out version of Martha Stewart. I’m not saying that I won’t ever attempt to learn to cook (especially if he stops questioning me and embraces me for the things I actually do), but I can’t reward him for making me feel like there's something wrong with me just because I can't cook. It’s 2024. I don't have to be in the kitchen if I don't want to be, so I hope he likes takeout.