I’m a Perpetual Ghoster—Friends, Boyfriends—Whoever—You’re Not Safe, and I’m Not Sorry

When it comes to cutting people off, some people prefer to end things face-to-face, others like doing it over the phone or from a safe distance a la text. Me? I prefer to disappear from a person’s life without a word. Call me immature or a narcissist, but I’ve been in several situations where I felt like I had no other choice. Ghosters get a bad rep, but for me, it’s all about reclaiming my power and cutting off my energy when I’ve had enough. Allow me to explain.

I was returning home after a semester abroad, and all I could think about was how I would never have to talk to my abroad friend, “Sarah,” again. We were friends before we went on our travels. She was perfectly nice. But for some reason, abroad, she was a bully. She deemed someone "nerdy" and started pranking them. In one instance, she'd leave water traps outside this guy's door so when he'd leave for class, he would make a huge mess. Once that got old, she printed out old photos from his Facebook, wrote ‘Loser’ on it and taped it to his door. I called her out, but she continued. Even when the administration stepped in and the student confronted her, she didn't apologize. Needless to say, I was counting down the moment until I hopped on my connecting flight and never spoke to her again.

And that's exactly what I did. She reached out once, but I didn't follow up. It felt like a dark cloud had been lifted from my shoulders, and I wasn’t about to invite it back in. And a conversation definitely wasn’t going to change anything (she was who she was), which is my rule of thumb when it comes to ghosting.

Before ghosting someone (be that a friend or someone I’m dating), I always ask myself, “Will a conversation change anything?” For instance, I was dating a guy for seven months, and we were really hitting it off. When we got into our first fight (five months in), he said cruel things—things he knew would hurt me to my core. Even though we made up, I couldn’t totally let it go. After a while, I started seeing him for who he really was (a jerk), and instead of telling him how I felt, I decided to protect my peace and draw boundaries (aka pull a Casper). After all, he had already shown me on more than one occasion that he wasn’t capable of having a productive conversation that didn’t involve low blows. Yeah, it may have brought us closure, but it would cost me my tranquility, while it would likely cost him nothing.

I can go on and on about different yet similar scenarios where a conversation or a heads up didn’t feel necessary based on the events that had led me to want to remove them from my life. Like when my mom’s friend (who I thought of as an aunt) started using me for free babysitting or when my male friend felt me up without asking for my consent. But basically, I go ghost when I know speaking up will 1.) brush up against my boundaries, and 2.) if it won’t make a difference because of who the person is. As the saying goes, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them,” and act accordingly even if that means leaving them on read.

If you’re thinking of cutting someone off without an explanation, you obviously have a reason. Maybe they’re a toxic friend or a manipulative boyfriend. Whatever the case is, don’t let *anyone* make you feel bad about pulling a Houdini if you feel like that’s what’s best for you. The truth is, not everyone deserves or even needs a conversation to move on. While it might be the “adult thing” to do, your peace and boundaries matter most. So, go with your gut and do what you have to do. The world’s oldest person did, and it worked for them.